Thoughts on 18yo daughter having her boyfriend stay over in our house regularly

[hafflesnaffle]

She says he can stay in spare room and nothing will go on. He lives some distance away. Im wary though and worried neighbours and relatives will gossip and this lad will be getting his ‘feet under the table’. And also having to police that nothing is going on! Daughter reckons i need to come into the 21st century! How have others dealt with it?

They will be having shenanigans if they want to have shenanigans, whether in your house or wherever. Your daughter is an adult, and if she is in a committed relationship, then I don’t understand what the issue is? Treat her like an adult and she will behave like an adult; treat her like a naughty child and she will react accordingly.

Who makes this shit up?

Everyone seems to be assuming that they will be having sex but that might not be the case. I remember having a conversation with my DD when she was about 19/20 and assuming (wrongly as it turned out) that she and her then bf were in a physical relationship and she was quite insulted that I thought that. So your fears about 'shenanigans' OP might be misplaced especially as she only asked for him to stay in the spare room.

It isn’t the sex part which was the issue for me. I say they’ll stay two days max, but it creeps up to 3, then 4. They are eating your food, half the week. There is a queue for the bathroom, at least for some. They don’t contribute to the housework. They often take up a car parking space. Think through all these things. You don’t need to play ‘cool mum’ if it’s not convenient for you.

Yep! And I know this will sound petty, but suddenly I was going through double the amount of toilet rolls! I was wondering what the hell she was doing with them,y DS's girlfriend had moved in and was now doing good knows what with my toilet rolls 🤣

DDs boyfriend practically lives here. I’d rather keep her close.

And yes, the bills definitely go up!

My boyfriend was allowed to stay over every Friday night and Saturday when I was 17 and sleep in my room. I went on to marry him and we've now been together 23 years.

Why do you worry about what your neighbours are thinking and policing him?

In fact, thinking about it, my grandma let me and my boyfriend sleep over at her house in the same bed when I was 17 too - and she would be 92 now!

This thread has so many different views OP. However as with most things in life if something feels wrong for you then go with that. You are uncomfortable with her boyfriend staying over let her know.

My dd says parents are so strange. This is what she hears generally from her friends. She said parents say yes to to letting them stay home for hours in their own but overnight is a big no!! She says it makes no sense!!

They are absolutely going to find a way anyway, i totally agree. Let likely to be safe too.

Were you born in the 1800s. I was married at 17. She is an adult and you sound completely suffocating - I would be looking to move out if I were your daughter.

Isn't that part of the issue. If they are adult they can have sex but they can also find their own accommodation.

Is it that easy these days?

The other day my dad and I worked it out - he bought a house in 1979, a 4 bed detached house on the edge of a nice village for about £30,000. In today’s prices that is approx £150,000. His house is now worth £450k. Plus his deposit back then was ‘only’ £500. Look at house prices now! Does any parent really want their dc to have to rent a house (which makes it harder to buy one) just because you don’t want to think about them having sex?

My dd and I have worked out that to be able to afford to buy even a 1 bed flat she will need to live with me till she is 29/30. If it means she can buy in 10yr are time then, as long as she is respectful, I will cope with it if she brings a boyfriend home.

Your DD is an adult & it's not really fair that she can't invite her BF to stay over & sleep in the same room as her at her home. Yes it's your house, but it's also her home. Why do you consider it disrespectful for her to have sex in her own home? I'm sure they'd be discreet if they did sleep together, that's if they even decided to have sex. The thought that her parents may hear them might put them off. You could have a conversation with her letting her know your expectations if he stays in her room & trust her. Is it disrespectful if you & your DH have sex at home if your kids are home or are you such a pearl clutcher you'd never consider it?

where would you rather she had sex?

Housing is relatively more expensive but things like cars, holidays and clothes are relatively less expensive. Swings and roundabouts.

I am certainly not against youngsters having sex just that they need to be aware of adult responsibility. The 'I want it now' generation aren't prepared to wait for anything and that includes sex.

Go back in time and people were more sensible and waited for things until they were in the right place financially and emotionally l.

Ha ha were they? Unplanned & secret pregnancy/single mums is a tale as old as time and people certainly didn’t wait until they were living independently to have a sex life 😂 Families of 10/12 dc all in one bedroom meant people were having sex even when they couldn’t financially/emotionally afford it. And yes there is contraception these days but my point is, is that people who want to have sex will have sex - and not just between the hours of 10pm-7am!

It’s not really swings and roundabouts though is it? It’s a lot harder to buy a house now than it was to buy a car in the past when they were more expensive.

And if they do that is OK as long as they take full financial responsibility should the outcome be a baby. If they haven't taken the necessary steps to move out, I struggle to see how they would suddenly afford a property big enough for 3.

Parents who accept your kids having sex in your house are you alo prepared to have a baby living with you?

I was realistic that my ds is sensible and in order to buy a house that would suit him and his gf for the next 10-15yrs (cost of moving is a lot!) and that meant him not moving out until he was 25 but still having a healthy relationship with his gf (who also lived with us as a leftover from covid). But honestly? If the gf had got pregnant it wouldn’t have been ideal but having seen their planned goals for the future career wise and house wise and how respectful they were whilst living with me then yes - we would have made it work with a baby for a limited time. Though I am smiling to myself as ds gf is very anti dc 😂 probably having lived with my ds and my 3 other dc for 5 years 🤣 Maybe that was the best contraception for them!

eta you don’t just get pregnant from having sex at home - you do realise that don’t you? You can get pregnant in a car and up an alley - probably more likely as I imagine you are feeling more rushed and take less care!

Times have changed, but your house your rules, it'll be the local park or wherever for shenanigans

Oh fhs I think we need to give our teens more credit. My parents did not agree with my bf staying over and we didn’t resort to shagging in parks! Not all teens are completely devoid of common sense and self control you know!

My bf and I instead earned enough money to go on holiday and we worked hard and eventually we bought a flat together. And we are still together forty years on.

I just don’t accept this binary narrative that it’s either have them stay overnight in your home once they turn 16, or they will have sex behind the allotment sheds! My teens wouldn’t dream of having sex in a public place!

There are different possible scenarios such as delaying having sex until they are responsible enough to study away from home, fund a holiday, or live independently.

I’m not a prude, but sex isn’t solely about pleasure; it’s also about potential disease and potential pregnancy. I certainly don’t think that all sixteen year olds are ready to handle those possible outcomes. And many teenage girls are certainly not confident enough to handle pressure from boyfriends to have sex. So call me old-fashioned but I don’t always think that making it seamlessly easy for them is 100% the right thing to do either.