Thoughts on 18yo daughter having her boyfriend stay over in our house regularly

[hafflesnaffle]

She says he can stay in spare room and nothing will go on. He lives some distance away. Im wary though and worried neighbours and relatives will gossip and this lad will be getting his ‘feet under the table’. And also having to police that nothing is going on! Daughter reckons i need to come into the 21st century! How have others dealt with it?

Well where then?!
carry on like this and you won’t be seeing much of her
why can’t he stay in the spare room?
you’re being controlling and it will push your DD away
(And I have older teens so I know how they think)

Well then she’ll have her ‘shenanigans’ elsewhere. Thats your right to enforce - it’s your house. But she’ll be 100% safer under your roof than wherever else they’ll find to shenanigan (excellent word not used often enough)

You seriously think the neighbours will even bat an eyelid at an 18-year-old's boyfriend staying the night??

If you are concerned about them having sex then have a conversation with your daughter about being safe and respectful of you and others in your house.

She is an adult. Honestly there's nothing to do or worry about.

Your comment about him getting his feet under the table suggests you don't like him which I suspect is at the bottom of this.

So are the rules that any visitors to your house aren’t allowed to have sex? Is it just your daughter? What about when she’s in her 30s, perhaps visiting with her husband and children - still not okay?
You sound very puritanical, so at least follow your own logic through to see what the actual issue is for you. Because at the moment, you sound like someone from the 50s who can’t cope with the idea of young women growing up and being sexually active.

Is this some kind of joke? They are adults? Is it not her home too?

So where do you propose they go to have sex? Would you rather he got a hotel room she could go back to?

She’s right, you need to come into the 21st century. What’s so wrong about them having sex in your house? Where would you rather they had sex?

Respect for the household! None of us, her sibling included, want to hear that going on whilst trying to sleep!

Do you not have sex in your own house then?

Why?
What is the problem with your adult or older teen children having a sex life?

Thankfully we are no longer in your day.
Trying to police the body of your daughter who is legal adult is what is disrespectful.

It’s completely your choice. Mumsnet is very pro allowing adult children to have their boyfriends / girlfriends etc over to stay but lots of people - like me - just say no. My daughter is 22 and has never been allowed to have boyfriends to stay, it hasn’t damaged our relationship and I think it’s one of the (many) reasons she wanted to go to university so that’s not a bad thing! I just don’t want to wake up in the morning and find people I don’t know in my house. That’s it. It’s my house and my rules. If she wants to have people over she needs to move out or stay at theirs.

When I was younger my Mum was very laid back about who I brought home, she didn’t really care and I think it contributed to me getting into some far more serious relationships than I would have done otherwise because it was just so easy to invite people back. So this is also part of it for me.

Who gives a toot what the neighbours think?
Why are they relevant? Do you care more for the happiness of Mrs Higgins next door, than you do the happiness of your own daughter.

Your dd is 18, an adult, she has a steady boyfriend. She is not proposing bringing random men home. I cannot see any issue.

If your concern is that they would have sex in your house, would you rather they had sex Al fresco. They will both be much safer at home.

If you continue with your Victorian mindset, you will drive her away. Don't let that happen.

Why not? She's a consenting adult, it's her decision to make, not yours. I'd allow him to stay over in her room without giving it a second thought.

If you want an ongoing healthy relationship with her, you need to respect her for the adult she is.

How old are you? Are you single?

They are consenting adults! When you say 'shennanigans' i assume you mean sex, which is a normal and healthy part of life. As for 'yes but not under my roof' whats the alternative - in the back of a car? In a public place? Those were my options growing up with strict parents, surely its better in the privacy of the home environment?

Imo its fine to lay down ground rules - with my teen/adult kids those are no 1 night stands/people we dont know. Anyone who stays needs to be in a relationship and we need to have met them and agreed in advance, and discretion is essential - no one wants to hear anyone elses intimacy. You sound old fashioned and repressed OP.

Do you think your daughter can't be trusted? Could you have a sensible adult conversation with her where you explain you would consider her having sex when you're home to be disrespectful and she agree not to?

Well they're 18, where would you prefer they did it? Because they will be doing it and I know that I'd prefer it was in the comfort and safety of their own home.

I'm baffled by your attitude. She's 18, you don't get to decide if she has sex, that's basic respect.

Worried neighbours will gossip??? Where do you live?

Why is it disrespectful though? There are plenty of ways a son can disrespect his mother but having sex is not one of them.

I want his relationship with his girlfriend to be based on respect, I want them to treat each other well and with kindness and learn how healthy relationships work.

Hopefully you never have sex then 😂

It's up to you if you are not happy with him staying over.