Thoughts on 18yo daughter having her boyfriend stay over in our house regularly

[hafflesnaffle]

She says he can stay in spare room and nothing will go on. He lives some distance away. Im wary though and worried neighbours and relatives will gossip and this lad will be getting his ‘feet under the table’. And also having to police that nothing is going on! Daughter reckons i need to come into the 21st century! How have others dealt with it?

But you’d be ok hearing it whilst you were cooking dinner and your dd was going at it in her bedroom as long as he doesn’t sleep over? 😂😂

She is 18. It’s her house too, she lives there! Of course you should let him stay. Otherwise what’s going to happen is she’ll just start staying over at his house, or move out the first chance she gets, and you’ll see a lot less of her anyway.

I’m also confused by what you mean by “get his feet under the table”. Don’t you like him? If so that’s a different issue.

Both my sons have had their gf’s stay for a few days and I never hear anything.

I don't allow my young adult kids to have partners over. I am happy with that. I also don't charge rent. They are happy with that.
If either is unhappy they can move out.

Just because they sleep together doesn't mean the 'things' are going on. Just sleeping ?

Are they ever left alone in the house? Or are they always chaperoned?

Sorry - do you mean girlfriends/boyfriends aren’t allowed in your house at all?

Often. No chaperoning.

I do allow my young adults to have partners over. I am happy with that. I also don't charge rent.

Not sure what the point you're making is. Do you think parents should start charging rent if their kids wanted to have someone stop overnight? Or no sex under a parent's roof should be rewarded with no rent?

I also don't want to live with anyone but my own DC, which is hard enough. Even if they pay rent. Most of my friends in London who allowed partners are now desperately trying to evict them. Some friends have gone from a family of 4 to a family of 6 seemingly with no discussion.

You sounds extremely old, but surely can't be as you have an 18 year old.
As long as they're not having wild, loud sex why are you so disturbed by this? She's 18!
Would you prefer her to do it in safety, at home, or elsewhere outside where she could be putting herself in danger?
It's nothing to do with respect. You're not respecting her at all.

@IAmKerplunk DDs bf comes over sometimes for a meal but they are not allowed to stay. Same for DS.

So then they will be getting up to stuff.

I went from a family of 4 to 6 when my ds girlfriend moved in. It was in the pandemic and she couldn’t go back to her parents house (elderly relative there) and the uni’s had told them to go home. So she stayed here. It wasn’t planned, it was an unusual time and it certainly doesn’t mean my younger dc can move partners in. As it turned out she was an absolute delight who helped out so much and I miss her now that her and my ds have bought a house and moved out. But it’s not a path I would necessarily choose again.

I’m going to say it again- why do people think their teens only have sex at night? Not when you nip to the shops? Not when you are cooking dinner? Not when you are watching tv? Teens are full of hormones! They take their chances where they can regardless of the time of the day.

Ok. If you say so.
I am pretty sure they don't though as I am in and out all day at unannounced times, as is DH.

As for them having sex in parks- as MNers always claim randy teens do- I don't think they did. Both went away to uni so had opportunities there.
DS is moving out next year and he can do what he wants in his own house.

No

Trust me - teenagers take opportunities. And so what? They’re not doing it in public, they’re not arguing to have their bf/gf stay over and they are not making you uncomfortable because you are not aware/can’t hear them.

eta and they will tell you till they are blue in the face that they don’t do anything

Anyway OP, you sound a bit odd..But nearly all of MN will tell you you have to allow your DCs partners to stay over.
I am.here to say you don't have to if you don't want to.

Some of us don't.

Ok @IAmKerplunk we will have to agree to disagree.
There are many ways to parent and we all choose our own boundaries. That's mine.

Uh yea why does he need to stay in a separate room? She’s an adult. If you don’t mind him staying it’s no one else’s business. My neighbours wouldn’t care one little bit!

So if your parents stayed over….. they’d be in separate rooms too?

Yes, because of ‘shenanigans’. The horror!

The neighbours caring is weird. Wondering if this is a windup.

Just be careful you are not expected to provide food, laundry, cleaning. Tgat would be more important to me. They will be having sex so why are you so uptight.

Of course. I respect anyone’s parenting (with obvious caveats) I’m just always interested in the thought processes behind different views. I know, raising 4 very different dc, that I have had to adapt my parenting to each child. That’s why I find threads like this interesting incase there is a point of view I hadn’t considered that I should consider for any of my dc. But in this case it just seems to computer says no. Which of course is entirely the op’s prerogative.

Do you have a point in mind for when it would be allowed? Is it an age or a marital status thing?

I'm particularly interested because my mum was a puritan, and I wonder if I'd ever have been allowed to share a bed under her roof if I'd never married, or didn't reach an age she deemed appropriate for potential intimacy without being married.