Thoughts on 18yo daughter having her boyfriend stay over in our house regularly

[hafflesnaffle]

She says he can stay in spare room and nothing will go on. He lives some distance away. Im wary though and worried neighbours and relatives will gossip and this lad will be getting his ‘feet under the table’. And also having to police that nothing is going on! Daughter reckons i need to come into the 21st century! How have others dealt with it?

I would prefer my son to have sex in his own bed rather than in his car, which would be the alternative, but each to their own I suppose

Do you mean DC's partners staying over? Never. Not going to happen unless in an emergency.

Marriage is still a long way away but yes, I would allow husbands or wives to stay over assuming I had room. I hate house guests though so would hope they only stay a night or two!

I suppose it seems puritan and stupid to some. I am not white British and my parenting comes from a different place.

I might add that my 80- year-old mum often stays over for a month at at a time and would be uncomfortable with partners in the house. No doubt some will ask why she stays for so long and the answer is because we all love her to stay!

Back in the 80s at 19 I asked my Mum if my boyfriend could stay over (in my room).

My godmother (who lived with us) had a few comments about fornication going on under our roof, but she was born in 1901!

Nobody else knew or cared.

I had to sleep in spare room at his parents house - to set a good example to his younger sister who scoffed when she heard, as she was no saint even at that age (17)

I’m not white British either, but I don’t dial in my parenting from the 19thc!

That's great for you then, if you are happy that way. I wouldn"t be. Neither would DH. And as it's our house, it's our rules.

What if your dc choose not to get married? At what point would it be ok? When they had dc?

I brought my boyfriend home at 18. Still together 30 plus years later…..

Absolutely fine by me. I couldn't give two hoots what my neighbours think about anything that goes on under my roof.

I am more than happy to accommodate my DC's partners. I have never heard anything and would have a conversation. If that would ever happen.

My ILs were not religious. I was not allowed to stay with my OH. We have only been with one another. Even in my 30s and were living together, we were not allowed in the same bed/bedroom. We don't stay there now. We will visit and stay elsewhere or book a hotel.

This is less about respect and more about your judgement. This isn't a moral issue for me. I would rather my DC were here than elsewhere. I'm surprised people have such old fashioned views.

When they were younger, I asked to make sure their GFs parents knew they were staying over and that we were ok with it being in the same room. Am

But hasn’t she been considerate? She’s proactively suggested that he stays in the spare room which indicates that she’s aware of and respectful of your views. There’s nothing in your original post which suggests to me that she’s got a history of being untrustworthy or disrespectful.

If you have very nosy neighbours I suppose you could let it be known that you’ve invited him as a guest and he’s in the spare room and let the nosy neighbours spread that around between themselves.

It sounds like she’s thought this through carefully, will have spoken to him about it and has indicated to you in suggesting the spare room that they respect you of views and won’t be up to shenanigans/noticeable shenanigans. Isn’t that good enough?

There is no one in our family who has had DC outside marriage. Could happen but super unlikely, so I will worry when it does. Maybe if my DC are still unmarried and want to bring their 40 something partners over I might change my mind! Not now in their teens and early 20s though.

My DD is well aware of how women often get fucked over when they have kids outside marriage. And she's very pro- choice- fervently so- so quite unlikely to have an unplanned baby. DS doesnt want children.

I appreciate you answering. I like hearing other people’s views especially when they differ so far from my own. It’s how we all learn and progress isn’t it?

Hahaha. I suggest you read it again. 😂

You talk about respect, but it seems you don’t respect her much if you are more concerned about what the neighbours think than your adult daughter feeling accepted in her own home.

I’m sure the neighbours will have even more to talk about if she’s brought home by the police having been caught shenaniganning in the park / a car / an alley.

Cop on OP for goodness sake. There is no good reason that he can’t stay in the spare room on occasion as she’s requested. As demonstrated by the thread the majority would be fine with him sleeping in her room as long as boundaries were respected (no walking around in underwear, looking after their own laundry, being quiet etc).

In the late 90s when I was 16/17/18 I was staying at my boyfriend’s parents’ house sometimes, other times he stayed at our house. We’d been together a decent amount of time for that age and our parents didn’t want us shagging in bus shelters, frankly.

OP your house your rules, however this could be to the detriment of your relationship with your DD
my mum had this rule so i stayed over all the time at my BF's so my mum never had any relationships with any of my boyfriends but by the time she relented it was too late

If mumsnet was around in the 1980s this is the sort of thing my mother might've posted, even down to the "getting feet under the table" comment. But then she was born in the 1920s to parents born in the Victorian era, so for that I could forgive her. She was very much of the no sex before marriage/no living in sin era. Even she allowed serious boyfriend to stay in the spare room without question though. I am quite surprised at this level of puritanical control in the 21st century.
My dcs have all been sufficiently respectful to only have relationship partners to stay, and I have never heard a thing.
My line in the sand would be moving in for anything other than a short term arrangement, perhaps that's what op means when she talks about getting feet under the table.

This has to be a joke?

Shagenigans?

So you dont trust her word?

Do you live next door to Mrs Mangel?

My dd’s friend shags her boyfriend in her car in the school carpark because her mum doesn’t like him staying over. They’re also 18. Would you rather they did this?!

Id be far more concerned that clearly you have family and neighbours that would discuss a young womans sex life tbh. Thats beyond creepy. I hope she moves out soon for her sake (am sure she will!)

As a matter of interest, what age will it be ok for her to share a room with a partner in your home?

Certainly not in her teens, she’s just becoming an adult, she’s a very ‘young’ 18 maturity wise. Once in 20s and a long term relationship I wouldn’t have an issue. You don’t magically become an adult at the stroke of your 18th, just because the law says so, many don’t reach proper adult mental maturity till 20s.

Well, OP, if you don't allow this, they will be shagging in cars or parks or bus shelters, so you must!