Thoughts on 18yo daughter having her boyfriend stay over in our house regularly

[hafflesnaffle]

She says he can stay in spare room and nothing will go on. He lives some distance away. Im wary though and worried neighbours and relatives will gossip and this lad will be getting his ‘feet under the table’. And also having to police that nothing is going on! Daughter reckons i need to come into the 21st century! How have others dealt with it?

They are going to do it anyway. Speak to her about being safe. I wasn't allowed boyfriends to stay over, I ended up rebelling and eloping which ended badly

Do you mean SEX?

"Honestly you write like you were born in 1950."

Those of us born in the early 50s, were late teens in the early 70s. We had a lot of fun in the 70s...

If she was 14 you would have a point 18 is ridiculous she's an adult

So they will find somewhere else. Why does it matter what the neighbours think about her having a boyfriend?

Where would you prefer?

This sounds mad to me.

I'd rather my dd was safe at home than somewhere she felt nore vulnerable and less comfortable and safe.

If they're going to have sex then I would rather they were safe and comfortable and able to talk to me about any worries.

If he just visits for the day you know they can just as easily have sex in her room during the day? Or are they not allowed in her room together at all? Or if you nip to the shops they will use that 10mins for shenanigans- or will they be chaperoned at all times?

Because of high rents on flat shares and bedsits, unless young people in their teens and 20s leave home to go to uni, increasing numbers of young adults will remain at home at ages when many of us would have been able to move out. I feel sorry for them not being able to afford to rent their own space.

You obviously have incredibly old-fashioned ideas and values @hafflesnaffle . I won't comment on your age or generation because many much older people are not old-fashioned or narrow minded in this way. You can obviously make the decisions you want to in your own home, but I expect it will have repercussions. Do you really concern yourself with 'what the neighbours might think'? Did you have an incredibly restrictive upbringing yourself?

Young people are going to have sex with their boyfriends / girlfriends whether you like it or not.

I’d rather at 18 it was somewhere safe and comfortable - meaning they are much more likely to have safe sex as not in a rush, and it’s more likely to be a pleasant experience for her!

If you are able to have adult conversations with her about safe sex, respect for your home, what a healthy relationship looks like it’s setting you both up well for a strong relationship into her adulthood, where she will feel she can come to you with any worries.

As PP have said set your ground rules - you can ask that he stays in the spare room if you wish, even if you know fine well they will make their way into each other’s rooms when you’ve gone to bed (if they feel they have to sneak around they’ll be quiet!). Set a max number of nights per week / keep to weekends - especially if she’s at college or doing A Levels.

If she’s old enough to have boyfriends stay she is also responsible enough to help more around the home eg change hers and the spare beds, wash towels, clean any bathrooms they use, plus contribute to cooking / food shop if she’s working.

@Ell099

If she’s old enough to have boyfriends stay she is also responsible enough to help more around the home eg change hers and the spare beds, wash towels, clean any bathrooms they use, plus contribute to cooking / food shop if she’s working.

Or better still, ask him to strip his bed and put his towels for washing.

I’m several years older than you, OP, and seem to have missed that memo.

Do you have sex in your house, OP? I mean, is it a householder thing, so because your name’s on the mortgage, you can bonk your way around every room at will, swinging from the light fittings and ululating?

You seem really uptight about this OP. Are you ok??

I remember being 16 and having a boyfriend over in the day. My dad said we weren’t allowed in my bedroom. No problem - he took the dog out for a walk so we shagged in the shower instead 😂

People don’t just have sex at night! And teenagers will find any opportunity so if you don’t want shenanigans going on in your home then you can never allow a boyfriend to visit. Do you really want to go down that road?

Are you my cousin!?? She insists on my very adult (have their own DC) DC calling her Auntie! She also insisted her DD was married before her DGD was born. Full white wedding with the bride 7.5 months pregnant! It’s nuts.
Yes, I agree that the family does not want to hear and my DC have always been respectful and have rarely, if ever, had sex whilst we are in the house and, likewise, we would never have sex in our DC’s homes!

If you don’t want them sharing a room in your house that’s your choice. But if you make her boyfriend unwelcome they may just not come to you at all. My son has his girlfriend over regularly and they share a room, but they’re not allowed at his girlfriend’s parents. All fine, they just never go there. The neighbours will not care a jot, nor should they and you shouldn’t care what they think.

I have never heard my kids having sex. I presume they’ve mastered doing it quietly like me and their dad.

Is this really an ’ethical dilemma’?!

My parents let me have boyfriends stay over. I don’t think they ever heard us have sex though

What makes you think you'll hear it....unless you are into noisy sex so presume your daughter is too.

What am I reading?

Seriously, your DD is 18 - an adult. She’s having sex w her bf which is normal.

Why don’t you get to know the lad when he stays over instead of him being a ‘stranger’?

Why will the neighbours give a toss? They probably won’t even notice.

My dd - older and gay - had her (now ex) gf stay a few weeks ago and there wasn’t even a discussion of them sharing or not. It would’ve been the same for a boyf. Idk if they had ‘shenanigans’ because I didn’t hear anything and it’s not my business!

You really do need to get in to the 21st century. My DM was like you, was never allowed to have now-DH to stay over so I just stayed at his a lot and then we moved in together after a year. My DM was happy to host dh for dinner, have him round but no sleeping over, but this was in the 90s and she was an older mum so I sort of understood. The times have moved in now in the past 30 years

Why on earth do you care about the neighbours?!
My only thought is that if he stays regularly, he needs to make a contribution towards food and rent (as should your daughter, if she's earning).
You might as well accept them sharing a room, because if not in a safe environment then they will take their opportunities in unsafe places!

What age is acceptable for adults to have sex in their parents home op? Totally agree you and others shouldn’t have to hear it. Is this a no sex before marriage thing for you?

Staying in the spare room seems reasonable. You need to start to trust her.

I don't get what you mean by "getting his leg under the table" though. V. strange train of thought.

You care more about neighbours gossiping than you do about 'allowing' your adult daughter having a normal grown up sexual relationship? And why on earth should he have to sleep in a separate room?

Your poor daughter. 🙄

Well, your house = your rules, I suppose, but the flip side of this is that they will go elsewhere. If his parents are prepared to be more welcoming and accommodating, then they will start spending most of their time there. You may not see very much of her.