Thoughts on 18yo daughter having her boyfriend stay over in our house regularly

[hafflesnaffle]

She says he can stay in spare room and nothing will go on. He lives some distance away. Im wary though and worried neighbours and relatives will gossip and this lad will be getting his ‘feet under the table’. And also having to police that nothing is going on! Daughter reckons i need to come into the 21st century! How have others dealt with it?

I’d feel the same. I think I’d be ok with separate bedrooms to be honest.
Thing is it’s unlikely to be her only boyfriend and I wouldn’t want a stream of young men in and out of my home. I dated a fair bit in my day, not sex but lots of dating so if they all stayed over 😬😂
I had one serious boyfriend stay over and we were respectful and then obviously DH has stayed over when we visit/ at Christmas/ we live close so it tends to be special occasions.

If she's not having sex in your house where will she be having it? At his house or somewhere outdoors where she's vulnerable and could actually get in trouble with the law?
I'd prefer my kids to be somewhere safe and where they could potentially get help if needed (if they felt unsafe, pressured, needed emergency contraception, etc)

She’s an adult! How bizarre. You’ve let her know that you don’t want her having sex under your roof so presumably if she does so it will be quietly and she’s going to clean up any mess. What’s the problem?

It's her house too. You might not be comfortable with it, that's fair enough. You can set respectful boundaries, that you both can agree on.

I don't really have a problem with this. I show respect for my son by not having audible sex when he is home and I would expect him to behave the same. That doesn't mean he can't do it when I'm out or theoretically very quietly when I'm sleeping!

My DC wasn’t 18 til late August as was youngest in the year but, after A levels we relaxed the rules and now they’re a 20 year old they can have their partner stay over anytime they are home from Uni.

I am not sure I would encourage partners staying over if A levels exams are not done and over. It’s a stressful time and tbh I was glad my DC’s focus was on their A levels!

Me and DH are heavy sleepers we don’t hear anything but they are on a separate floor to us too! I don’t even hear them come in at 4 am after a night out!

Well as you say, it’s your house
If it means enough to you to drive a wedge in the relationship you have with your daughter, then you crack on

Personally, as a mum to 2 now married children whom I have a great relationship with (and with both their partners), I’d not think it even remotely worth making this into a hill to die on.

So you would sooner they have sex in the park or in a doorway?

Can you explain exactly what is disrespectful about two people having consexual sex? If the concern is it disturbing your sleep, would quiet or silent sex be okay?!

Christ.

Yes it does sound like you need move into the 21st century if you are saying things like ‘back in my day’.

Presumably if you have several children then you had sex in your house while the eldest was asleep in bed in the same house?

She is an adult. Young adults these days will struggle with CoL and to move out, so either show HER some respect and let her have her bf over, or help her financially to move out so she can have some freedom.

You say you want respect but right now you don’t deserve it.

DD is right. My DS is nearly 18, as is his GF. Once she is 18 she will be welcome to stay in the spare room. The only policing we will do - knowing that there are plenty of ways for YP to ‘mess around’ - is to have the talk about them being careful and respectful of each other, and to discuss that you are not ready for them to be intimate in your home yet. Then you have to trust your child and the 18 years of parenting you have done.

back in my day

What century was your day?

So much weirdness about your posts:

• your neighbours won't think twice about your daughter's boyfriend visiting
• in what way will him staying over get 'his feet under the table'?
• you dont trust your daughter since you feel you have to 'police' her.

Here's my suggestion:

• say yes to him staying in the spare room
• trust them and or turn a blind eye
• set a maximum no of nights per week (1, 2 or 3)
• tell your daughter that only established boyfriends may stay (eg relationships of at least six months)
• put her in charge of spare room laundry
• if you do unclench far enough to agree to them sharing a room, remind her to be discreet (you dont want to hear or see anything, no wandering around the house in their underwear)

I do think it is a difficult transition really and we had younger dc so at the beginning we had separate rooms which was respected as far as i knew, so if they were bed hopping it was not obvious. However now younger ds is 18 i would be ok with a partner staying in their room but not one night stands. I think to keep her safe, and show her trust and respect I would let him stay in her room. Both sides need to show trust.

My parents met at university. In the holidays my dad went to stay with my mum. They were very carefully chaperoned the entire time. So they went off “for a walk” to the nearby woods. Thankfully they have never shared the details of what they got up to! 😂

All fine until 6 months later when that particular woods was on the National news. Some bloke who had been attacking “courting couples” had just been caught.

Strangely my parents were just fine about letting me do whatever I wanted in my own bedroom once I reached adulthood.

Also worth bearing in mind OP that she is not going to want you to hear her having sex anymore than you do. After all the fuss you’ve made I doubt she will anyway unless you are out but to adults in an established relationship should be allowed to share a bed.

is ‘your day’ the Victorian times?

I doubt the OP’s mind is going to be changed, even if she did start this thread for some affirmation.

I’ve allowed my teens to have sex under my roof for a simple reason.
As long as sex is safe, consensual and at that age ideally in a healthy relationship, it’s safer them having sex here with access to condoms, bathrooms, than hiding out fields and parks or other places my friends and I creatively used.

How old are you? I’m 57. I don’t think it was widely thought of as disrespectful ‘in my day’. What age would you think it would be ok to allow consenting adults to sleep together?

I agree it’s not ideal to hear loud moans of pleasure and rhythmic bed thumping against the wall, but most offspring would rather die than engage in such loud lovemaking, surely?

Are your neighbours normally very interested in you and your house?

She's no longer a child. She's an adult.

"Back in my day."

How old are you?

I’m 50. It was seen as disrespectful ‘in my day’

However I’ve decided that maybe I don’t have to have the same attitudes as my parents and that, on reflection, it probably led me to accept lower standards in my own relationships in adult life.

I therefore decided that 30 years later, I can decide for myself what respect looks like.

I would like him to bring his mugs and glasses down and pick his towels up however

I think that the OP's attitude (which my parents also had) makes sex into a 'dirty' thing. It also makes the child withdraw from the parent because the child feels that the parent thinks they are 'dirty'.

I had hoped that this attitude was dying out and young adults were treated with respect these days, but it appears not.

Ah well, the OP's daughter will get to know the backseat of a car pretty well then.

My parents never let any boys stay in my house.
It led to me finding very unsuitable boys/arseholes and saying/lying to say I am staying with friends but really staying at theirs.. and then moving out at 18.
I find peoples whoes parents were more relaxed had healthier relationships with nicer men/boys as the guys would be merting the parents. As my boyfriends never came round then my parents were unable to 'police'them at all and so I went out with a succession of absolute fuckwits without any input from my parents.

There’s something about the tone of op’s answers that makes me suspect this thread isn’t genuine but op, taking you at your word, it’s your house and your rules, and if you are not comfortable with your dd having her bf over to stay, then that is your prerogative!

Certainly if you feel you can’t trust your dd and her bf, and you would constantly have to police their behaviour, I would suggest it’s better not to invite him,

Just because something is deemed legal by the state, eg sex at sixteen, doesn’t mean it’s ideal. What’s the rush?

Also, it’s fine in theory to state that your seventeen year old’s sex life is not your business; but it soon would be if a pregnancy arose out of it.

Most eighteen year old’s are not fully functioning adults in many areas of life, so I don’t understand why parents are supposed to support and encourage them to engage in an activity that could have profound consequences on their life that they are not yet ready for?

My view on this is that a family home, especially if it houses younger siblings, is not the most appropriate environment for teens to explore their sexuality and that is better done at university or when they are of an age they can afford to contribute towards, or pay for trips away, or for their own accommodation. Call me old fashioned; I don’t care! My adult dc never seemed too upset about it either.

Having said all of the above, I fail to see what your neighbours have to do with this decision?