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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Friend from the past asked if she could stay with us for 6 months

130 replies

RollyPol · 08/04/2024 22:29

An old friend (were out of touch for 16 years, shared accommodation in student days in London) who is a locum biomed scientist got an offer to work for 6 months in a hospital near to mine. She asked if there is a room she can stay in whilst working there. She did not say anything about paying for the room, but I don't want a lodger anyway, I just want peace and quiet with my dc and dh. They don't know her and I don't think they want a stranger in the house. What do I say to her? I don't think I want anyone who is not a family member with me for 6 months either.

OP posts:
downsizedilemma · 08/04/2024 22:30

This is a no-brainer - just say no.

Justsomethoughts · 08/04/2024 22:31

there are some family members I wouldn’t want living with me for 6 months. It’s a huge ask!

CountFucula · 08/04/2024 22:32

‘No. That won’t work for our family set up. I’d love to see you when you are in the area though! ‘

ChancersWife · 08/04/2024 22:32

‘Oh that’s great news about your placement, unfortunately it’s not a great time for us / we’re not in the position to have visitors at the moment but here’s a link to the local Facebook site where I’ve seen people have luck with this kind of thing. Let me know when you’re settled in and we can go for a coffee and catch up.’

LongCareerOfNearMisses · 08/04/2024 22:33

Did she literally ask "is there a room I can stay in" meaning "do you know of any available accommodation" or did she actually say "in your house"?

Nudgethatjudge · 08/04/2024 22:33

Say no, hope she finds somewhere.

Shes asking a question and I doubt ahe really thinks you will be saykng "yes that would be amazing"
You could say you'll have a look for potential places (to be kind/ease any guilt you shouldn't feel)

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 08/04/2024 22:33

After some thought, this idea doesn’t work for me or the family.

Northernsouloldies · 08/04/2024 22:33

Hmmmm....No.
That's cheeky as fuck and you haven't saw her in 16 yrs.

RainStreakedWindows · 08/04/2024 22:35

"That doesn't work for us I'm afraid and I don't know of anyone looking for a lodger at the moment but if I hear of anything I'll definitely let you know. Hoping we can have a catch up over coffee or wine when you are in the area".

Original poster
RollyPol · 08/04/2024 22:37

LongCareerOfNearMisses · 08/04/2024 22:33

Did she literally ask "is there a room I can stay in" meaning "do you know of any available accommodation" or did she actually say "in your house"?

Do you have a room in your house I can stay in?

OP posts:
MoveOnTheCards · 08/04/2024 22:39

If her question was ‘is there somewhere I can stay?’ then just send her any recommendations or air bnb links that might be of interest to her.

If her question was ‘can I stay in your spare room?’ then a simple ‘no, our room’s not available, but it would be great to see you when you’re working in the area’ would surely suffice.

MoveOnTheCards · 08/04/2024 22:40

Ah cross posted! @RainStreakedWindows suggestion is a good one. Short, to the point and shuts it down immediately.

NoSquirrels · 08/04/2024 22:41

RollyPol · 08/04/2024 22:37

Do you have a room in your house I can stay in?

Show quote history

‘Sorry but we couldn’t put you up. It’ll be great to catch up when you’re working here, you must come for dinner sometime.’

If you can’t say no to this, what do you say no to?

AuntMarch · 08/04/2024 22:41

What did you say, and why wasn't it just "We can't accommodate, but I can help you look for a room somewhere else if you want me to ask around?"

SheilaFentiman · 08/04/2024 22:42

Totally agree - quick and clear no.

I doubt she’s expecting a yes, but she may have thought “ah, worth a shot”

You could offer to take a look at your hospital notice board for any room ads?

MsGrumpytrousers · 08/04/2024 22:44

Sorry, no.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 08/04/2024 22:44

"Do you have a room in your house I can stay in?"

Unfortunately I don't, sorry.

Job done.

Out of touch for 16 years?! She's a CF. SAY NO.

ShortLivedComment · 08/04/2024 22:47

I don't think it was cheeky to ask but it's obviously perfectly ok for the OP to decline. Some people wouldn't have minded and might be grateful of some extra cash.

YeahComeOnThen · 08/04/2024 22:47

RollyPol · 08/04/2024 22:37

Do you have a room in your house I can stay in?

Show quote history

@RollyPol just say 'Sorry, I don't! All occupied. it'll be great to see you & catch up properly though.'

SheilaFentiman · 08/04/2024 22:47

She’s not really a CF, she’s an Asker - she assumes that the other person will give a clear answer to suit them

Unless she pushes on OP’s no, in which case she is a CF

mammaCh · 08/04/2024 22:47

Why are you even posting this?surely you'd just reply "sorry, but no".

Absurdgiraffe · 08/04/2024 22:48

I have had a similar request.

My response was that I was not looking for a lodger and I hoped she found something suitable.

exexpat · 08/04/2024 22:48

"Sorry, we can't put you up, but I can ask around to see if any of my colleagues are looking for a short-term lodger." Or send her a link to spareroom.com.

howtofixteeth · 08/04/2024 22:48

There's nothing wrong with her asking - some people would be happy for the extra income / company.

It's not an unreasonable query.

But it shouldn't be asked with any expectation you'll say yes.

Just say it doesn't work for you.

DrJump · 08/04/2024 22:48

That's a lot. If you felt able you could offer a week. Or if that's too much just offer to catch up.