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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Friend from the past asked if she could stay with us for 6 months

130 replies

RollyPol · 08/04/2024 22:29

An old friend (were out of touch for 16 years, shared accommodation in student days in London) who is a locum biomed scientist got an offer to work for 6 months in a hospital near to mine. She asked if there is a room she can stay in whilst working there. She did not say anything about paying for the room, but I don't want a lodger anyway, I just want peace and quiet with my dc and dh. They don't know her and I don't think they want a stranger in the house. What do I say to her? I don't think I want anyone who is not a family member with me for 6 months either.

OP posts:
ShortLivedComment · 09/04/2024 07:22

WaystarRoy · 09/04/2024 07:17

It is weird some people don’t realise how rude this sort of request is.
I noticed on Linked In that a friend from Uni had got a job in Bermuda and mentioned it to another friend who said (seriously) great - now you can go and stay with them for holidays, even though we haven’t seen each other for almost 15 years…. I’d never do that, but she couldn’t see why I wouldn’t…

Your example is totally different though. In the OPs case the friend just asked if she had a room.

ZenNudist · 09/04/2024 07:22

Just because you have a spare room doesn't mean you have to let some random person who hasn't even been much in your life use it. It's very bizarre they would ask. Just say no and don't worry about it.

DrJoanAllenby · 09/04/2024 07:50

Is there any reason why you sound so resigned and reluctant to immediately say, NO?

It's a bloody cheek of her.

LenaLamont · 09/04/2024 08:04

chrisfromcardiff · 09/04/2024 02:09

Nope. Absolutely not.

Show quote history

Fair enough!

I’ve had a number of friends arrive from
my home country and we’ve happily put them up overnight or over a weekend to adjust to jet lag before moving to their new homes.

IronyFor · 09/04/2024 08:06

I think I’d assume she meant a room to rent rather than such a huge favour. But either way, just say no, no drama.

DurhamDurham · 09/04/2024 08:12

Just say no, don't start to come up with excuses, if she isn't happy it's no big deal. You've grown apart anyway over the last 16 years.

Lots of people have spare rooms, doesn't mean they want t lodger.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 09/04/2024 08:15

TheCheekyKoala · 08/04/2024 23:01

Just reply any of these …

no, sorry.
Afraid not.
No I don’t.
Sorry, no.
No.
Dont want a lodger, sorry.

Edited

Id also go with the last of these. ‘We are not taking in a lodger right now.’

HermioneWeasley · 09/04/2024 08:16

You don’t need to offer her free accommodation OR offer to find her a room, or meet up with her or ANYTHING else.

she’s an adult who has a paying job. She can sort her own accommodation as she presumably does for each contract.

Branleuse · 09/04/2024 08:16

Tell her that you've asked around and you don't know of any spare rooms going, but you would love to go for lunch and catch up, and you can advise her about certain areas to avoid. Maybe the hospital can help her find accommodation.

RainStreakedWindows · 09/04/2024 08:18

I'm sorry but this is not an ethical dilemma. It's an obvious answer. No. There are a million ways to say it.

Change the way you look at it. Are you ok with upsetting your husband and kids and making them uncomfortable in their own home for 6 whole months? They trump your friend that isn't even part of your life anymore.

burnoutbabe · 09/04/2024 08:22

RollyPol · 08/04/2024 22:54

I know this is silly, but I DO have a spare room, and she knows it, we spoke about our living arrangements last time we spoke, I just don't want her to stay with us for 6 months.

What about offering it to her for a week /few days to flat hunt? Else say you need the room longer term as say husband snores or you have guests coming occasionally.

But a few days to help her find the area is helpful.

burnoutbabe · 09/04/2024 08:26

One reason I said yes is because if this is a friend you used to live with then you know her quite well. The girls I lived with at university are the only people I have ever shared with bar partners and parents and I have let a few stay for a week or two at various points (ie moving houses or starting new jobs in my area)

So it's different to someone else you haven't seen for 16 years if you lived together once.

But saying no also valid.

TomeTome · 09/04/2024 08:32

Just say “God no, I couldn’t live with a lodger it would drive me crazy. Do you want me to ask around to see if anyone is looking for a house share? I can’t wait to meet up when you are here.”

backthere77 · 09/04/2024 08:36

RollyPol · 08/04/2024 22:29

An old friend (were out of touch for 16 years, shared accommodation in student days in London) who is a locum biomed scientist got an offer to work for 6 months in a hospital near to mine. She asked if there is a room she can stay in whilst working there. She did not say anything about paying for the room, but I don't want a lodger anyway, I just want peace and quiet with my dc and dh. They don't know her and I don't think they want a stranger in the house. What do I say to her? I don't think I want anyone who is not a family member with me for 6 months either.

Say no unfortunately not but have you tried blah blah
Don't feel guilty she knows the impact and just taking advantage
Of you.
Not your problem.
Our dd always having people staying in her room at our house not living here but I hate the lack of privacy.

backthere77 · 09/04/2024 08:38

Don't offer temporary accommodation as other suggesting either as will get prolonged.
Be firm from start.

SheilaFentiman · 09/04/2024 08:41

She isn’t taking advantage! She asked a simple question. That OP is struggling to give her a simple answer isn’t the friend’s fault.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 09/04/2024 08:42

ShortLivedComment · 09/04/2024 07:15

How on earth is this an 'ethical dilemma' or even a dilemma of any kind. She has asked if you have a room for her to stay in and you don't want her to stay so you reply 'No, sorry'. Why is that a problem?

If you fancy you can explain and if you want you could offer alternative options.

Lots of people rent out rooms in their home. She wasn't rude to ask.

This.
Mumsnet makes such heavy weather of things sometimes.
And also some people on here seem to live by all kinds of unwritten, unspoken rules but if you transgress them even by asking a question you are a terrible person.
She is not a cheeky fucker fgs, she just asked!

Lurkingandlearning · 09/04/2024 08:45

”I haven’t heard from you in 16 years and now you want to move into my home for six months. I admire your confidence but it’s a no to that. You can treat me to a night out if you want though 😀”

I wouldn’t really want to meet up with someone that cheeky but I can be very petty 😬

fightingthedogforadonut · 09/04/2024 08:45

Some excellent advice on this thread.

Op, you don't need to give a reason why the answer is 'no' beyond saying "that won't work for us".

Stravaig · 09/04/2024 08:53

I wouldn't take it so personally (unless there's a backstory ofc). She's probably contacting everyone she's ever even vaguely known who lives in the right area.

It's common enough for people on the move for short clearly-defined periods of intensive work or study to look for a lodging situation. Some people who are very settled in their own lives quite like hosting in these circumstances. A breath of fresh air meets rootedness and security, positive for both.

Just say no, clearly. Don't rope yourself into helping her find somewhere else, or offering a temporary few nights, unless that's what you genuinely want to do.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 09/04/2024 08:55

Even if you had 4 spare bedrooms it is OK to say no to a lodger!

She asked the question on the off chance. She asked the question, it’s ok to answer.

Just say “Congratulations on the post, sounds fab, sorry, can’t offer to help on the accommodation front but I’ll ask around”.

LakeTiticaca · 09/04/2024 08:58

Just say you have no spare rooms. Wouldn't the hospital help her to secure accommodation?

DrJoanAllenby · 09/04/2024 09:12

It would annoy me that she was white devious about asking as she had previously chatted to you about your having a spare room which you innocently gave her the information not knowing she was fishing for info so she could ask you another time about staying there and out you on the spot because you'd already told her you had a spare room.

Bobbotgegrinch · 09/04/2024 09:23

RollyPol · 08/04/2024 22:54

I know this is silly, but I DO have a spare room, and she knows it, we spoke about our living arrangements last time we spoke, I just don't want her to stay with us for 6 months.

You don't have a spare room, you have a room.

You may have loads of family coming to stay in the next 6 months, maybe you use it because your husband snores like a freight train, maybe you work from home in it.

Your friend knows none of this, and what's more doesn't need to. You just say "Sorry, that wouldn't work for us", and then don't elaborate further.

honeylulu · 09/04/2024 10:02

You do have a spare room but not one she can stay in for 6 months (or at all) so the honest answer is still no.