Reluctant to take in nephew

[Coffeefirst22]

DH and I have been together for 3 years and we have a newborn (4 months) we also have my children 9&7 from a previous relationship who live with us full time. We got together very quickly but we have a very strong relationship.

BIL and gf have recently split up and have a 2 year old (plus she has 2 older children) Gf has said she doesn’t want her kids anymore but BIL said he won’t cope with him and isn’t in a position to have him yet as he is currently sofa surfing and most recently moved in with his parents (my in laws) on their floor as they have 1 bed bungalow.

There is social services involvement due to neglect and a couple of other reasons and she has been told to improve. MIL has asked us to take the youngest in temporarily because we have stable jobs/relationship and I’m on maternity leave so I can care for him.

I’ve seen him once as a baby. DH thinks he has additional needs. We have no idea how to care for a child with trauma plus we have busy lives (even on mat leave).

Is this even legal to take in another persons child? What would happen if neither parent wants him back? We live over an hour away from them and neither drive so I doubt would visit. DH says we need to consider it as we are family but I just don’t believe that social care will remove him from his home (from what has been said secondhand to us) and even so I don’t believe we can offer him the attention he is going to need. We have our hands full.

I don’t know my in laws very well I haven’t spent much time with them but I think presumptuous to think we would just say yes.

It used to be standard that family would help

It used to be standard that WOMEN would help. Corrected for you!

How terrible sad. Think hard before you commit. I once took in my DH half brothers DC who was 6 months. It was an emergency situation and It all got a little messy. I looked after the DC for well over a year as their DM had walked out. She returned and took the DC. It broke my heart at the time and with hindsight we should have gone through SS for the DC best interst.
good luck.

Maybe you could care for the poor child?

@bombardelli excuse me? Do you not have a heart or any kind of empathy or feelings of care or sadness for a 2 year old. I’ve got a 2 year old sleeping next to me right now which is my own child and I’m so glad I should never find myself in this position however I know If I wasn’t able to look after my child I’d have my sisters there to take care of her.

i also feel sad because no child should go unwanted in any family. I feel sad that two parents are giving up on their two year old again. I could never imagine putting a lifestyle infront of my child. I also have nieces and a nephew If I needed to take them in I would no matter the struggle. But that’s me with my heart

If you don't have him, he'll go to lovely Foster parents. He will need one to one, with someone who understands his special needs. It's not bad to place a child with a Foster family. My daughter's friend is living with one, and they're lovely.

How do we know anything? We just decide🙄I just would! Needs must & that’s what I would do. Granted, not everyone would & that’s ok. However, I can only speak for myself & there’s no way I could let this poor child enter the care system.

Why? She didn’t create this situation, and she’s no more responsible for solving it than you or I are.

Thankfully people can decide on the course of their own lives, and beholden to any ‘but FAAAAAMILY’ wailing. What OP wants for her own life, and the lives of her children, matters.

@Beautiful3 but this is where I disagree,

once In Foster care the baby will never come back out until old enough and then will be frowned upon their entire life for being in care for no fault or their own. They will wonder why their whole birth families didn’t love them enough to help take them in to keep them close. I geniunely don’t see how anyone with a heart would allow or want a two year old to go into care.
i couldn’t. A 2 year olds life is just shaping. They are learning. I just don’t see how it’s even up for discussion I know my whole family wider including cousins would help if my sisters or mum couldn’t.

the op and her partner know the family.
they know mum dad etc. they know everything and they could piece
tbis child’s life together better than a stranger could

His parents are a disgrace, poor boy, he's not your responsibility, please say no to having him. His parents need to grow up and take care of their own child, shame on them.

@Mirabai you just know what kind of person you are and know that you would rather do everyrbinf you can to stop a baby your related to entering the care system which is damaging in the long run.

i know I’m with the other lady and wouldn’t even need to ask my partner we’d just be straight into offering ohe home and tiem
to this two year old if it was us. This is what a forum is for she came for advice

In Foster care the baby will never come back out until old enough and then will be frowned upon their entire life for being in care for no fault or their own

NO! THIS happens because of the ridiculous obsession we have with class in this country. Ditto the attitudes towards social housing tenants.

And while im on the subject of housing its VERY telling that no one has suggested the GF should give up the house for another family if the kids go into care. Y"know like the tenants whose kids have left home are told to OR the pensioner in a three bedroom house is told they should!!

All those who say they would make it work - at what cost? The OP clearly mentally and emotionally is not in the right space to do so and has 3 children of her own to think about - two of whom are currently having to deal with a mum with ppd and a new sibling. OPs priorities are her children and her mental health - then anything else. And anything that could jeopardise those needs to be carefully thought through.

Given as well they have no relationship with the two year old and that he is likely to need get experienced care they are simply not the right choice. Kinship placements should be prioritised if they are the right choice it is not here. Yes there can be some bad foster placements but there can also be some amazing ones (some are mumsnet posters, one in particular sticks out as being absolutely amazing).

the BIL needs to step up here or the mother needs some support as well. And your MIL needs to support him.

How many kids do you have currently?

“BIL said he won’t cope with him and isn’t in a position to have him yet as he is currently sofa surfing and most recently moved in with his parents (my in laws) on their floor as they have 1 bed bungalow.”

But if BIL keeps him and presents to social services as homeless, they will help with housing. It may be temporary accommodation such as a b&b for a while but after a while he should get a council place. So that excuse is bull shit.

BIL needs to realise he made a child and that he needs to grow the hell up. MIL should be reading him the riot act.

It may be better for the kid to enter the foster system than go to an already overloaded household who may end up resenting him…

1. but if I had 3, or 4 or 2, my response would still be the same. Just because you don’t feel the same, doesn’t make you right.

I wouldn't do this. My time with my little DS on mat leave was very prescious to me and good for my DS, I wouldn't compromise it when the BIL has washed his hands of his own kid. It would be a different story if they had died and we were considering whether to permanently have this little boy as part of our family, but when there is a dad who just can't be bothered, no way.

I would do anything to keep my young nephew out of foster care. Your imperfect home setup is still a million times better than the care system.

Painful dilemma, but I would not take the child. Three kids, one of them a baby, in your home already. A 2yo with AN is going to create way too rich a mix. Social services probably need to find specialist care. I would feel horrid but I would say no.

@mummy21blueeyed My close friend is a social worker for children. A lot of the time children go into a Foster family temporarily. When the parent(s) get back on their feet and prove they can care for the child, they get the child back. Op might be stuck with this 2 year old indefinitely. I worked with special needs children, they are incredibly hard work. Op had already has a baby and other children to consider. Also she will be going back to work after her maternity leave, how is she going to pay for the nephew's nursery fees?

@Peaceandquietandacuppa Yes and the BIL’s reluctance to do everything that he can to keep his child at present makes me suspicious that he has no intention of looking after him, I.e., his poor child will be dumped with his brother and the OP long term-and then they’ll be guilted into being responsible for him long term.

I see. Well come back when you have 3.

Easy to say, rather harder to do.

This is ultimately an hard situation however you wouldn’t need to ask me twice although I’d get my partner to have a serious chat with his brother and try and tell him to pull his finger out. I know you’ve said he has needs but you’ll get support for that via nursery etc. it’s not as if he needs round the clock bed care for being autistic, they actually need support love guidance and patience including routine and boundaries thinfs a normal home offers

My opinion is valid if I have 1 or 10 & unless you’re MNHQ you can’t tell me what to do🤣