Reluctant to take in nephew

[Coffeefirst22]

DH and I have been together for 3 years and we have a newborn (4 months) we also have my children 9&7 from a previous relationship who live with us full time. We got together very quickly but we have a very strong relationship.

BIL and gf have recently split up and have a 2 year old (plus she has 2 older children) Gf has said she doesn’t want her kids anymore but BIL said he won’t cope with him and isn’t in a position to have him yet as he is currently sofa surfing and most recently moved in with his parents (my in laws) on their floor as they have 1 bed bungalow.

There is social services involvement due to neglect and a couple of other reasons and she has been told to improve. MIL has asked us to take the youngest in temporarily because we have stable jobs/relationship and I’m on maternity leave so I can care for him.

I’ve seen him once as a baby. DH thinks he has additional needs. We have no idea how to care for a child with trauma plus we have busy lives (even on mat leave).

Is this even legal to take in another persons child? What would happen if neither parent wants him back? We live over an hour away from them and neither drive so I doubt would visit. DH says we need to consider it as we are family but I just don’t believe that social care will remove him from his home (from what has been said secondhand to us) and even so I don’t believe we can offer him the attention he is going to need. We have our hands full.

I don’t know my in laws very well I haven’t spent much time with them but I think presumptuous to think we would just say yes.

No disrespect but afair from your own thread, you have 1 kid, no money, a partner you don’t live with who doesn’t want to see you when his son is there, and shortly to become homeless. Are you really in a position to take on a 2 year old with potential special needs?

Do you have your own 4-month old?

If you already had a relationship with this child and knew and loved him, then it would be the obvious solution, if you both felt willing to take this on. But you are effectively no different from any other foster parent, except that many foster parents have experience of taking in children who have suffered some sort of early trauma and would be much more likely to be able to help this little boy.

@Anna8089

Please do not try and guilt trip @Coffeefirst22 into this.
There are 4 children to consider here, including a very young baby.
We know nothing about the Ops personal circumstances, whether they have the financial resources or the room for another child.
They have no relationship with this child, just because they are related does not mean everything will be fine and dandy.

I am both an adoptive parent and now a foster carer. I am strongly of the view that the best place for a child is with birth parents who love and can care for them, or where appropriate with another member of the birth family. Sadly its not always possible, for many reasons. That does not mean that birth family who cannot take children should be castigated for their decision.

A few years ago I was asked to consider taking my son's half sibling, who was 2 at the time and had additional needs.
After much heart searching I decided I could not do it. The new baby was 14 years younger than my son, we had never even met him, let alone have any relationship with him. They looked nothing like each other - the little one is white, my son is mixed race.
And yes finances were a huge consideration - I had my son to think about and my own financial future - SWs kindly said I would be OK on benefits. If I'd said yes to a 2 year old when I was in my early 50s my working like would have been over. I would have been a very poor provider for both of them and would guarantee myself a retirement in poverty.

Not so easy is it when you look at it like that.
An adoptive family was very quickly found for him. And this really was the best thing for him.
@Coffeefirst22 I would recommend that your DH, not you, find out exactly what the situation is with social services, whether they intend to remove the child from parental care and what the longer term plan might be. Also what BIL intends to do to get himself off that sofa. If he really doesn't want to care for his child and the mother is deemed unfit, he may have to face up to losing his child.
You also need to consider what could happen if mum changed her mind at some point in the future- she could make life very difficult.
You really can't make a reasoned decision without all the facts.

But please do not feel pressured or guilt tripped into saying yes. You have to consider the needs of all 4 children.
If it comes to it, a 2/3 year won't wait very long for an adoptive family.where they will be loved and wanted.
Don't forget adopters and foster carers put a lot of thought into deciding that's what they want to do and have lots of training, they aren't just dumped on out of the blue.

Good luck with whatever you decide

One newborn is hard enough work. You also have two bigger kids who need you. You absolutely do not have all the information you need to make an informed choice about this poor little kid. Like exactly what his special needs are and how much time, transport, money is involved in getting him the help he needs. What help is available to you and your existing family to provide everything for this child, and specialist counselling for your family to integrate. Also what happens if Mum or Dad decide that they want to be a parent again? I can’t imagine how heart-wrenching it would be if you were forced to return a child to parents like this.

It's sad but if you don't feel you can cope with taking on this child then you shouldn't. All this guilt tripping people to take on other folks responsibilities is simply not on.

It doesn't sound likely to be a temporary situation, if both the child's parents are willing to abandon him this way. You have your own children, barely know your husband's nephew, and this is a massive commitment. I wouldn't accept it lightly. It won't be helpful for the child himself to be juggled around any more than must be, so unless you're willing to keep him for as long as it takes (possibly permanently), I'd think long and hard before making a decision.

You shouldn't feel guilty, whatever you choose. His parents have created this situation, not you.

Your brother in law absolutely needs to step the fuck up. Sofa surfing or not he needs to look after his kid when the mother can't/won't. Poor kid!

honestly would sleep on a bed of nails if it ment keeping my child with me. I just cannot fathom out some peoples mindset!

poor kid, his dad should start working and rent somewhere else so he can live with the kid, if not kid's mum can ask for support to social services and look after her child.

@Mirabai fair point to be fair to you 😂😂 however. My partner would take my kid if I for some reason couldn’t care or if I died, he wouldn’t send our child into the care system. I also would take a two year old in with special needs single handledly without a partner to stop them going into care, because my life will get better I will find a home and I would find a routine and also provide a life for that child like I do my own. I’d provide it with childcare so j could work. My mum would support etc etc etc. i would make it work. So stop trying to tell me I wouldn’t. My 4 year old niece is severely autistic non verbal and bites etc. if for what ever reason my sister her parent couldn’t have her. I’d set her up a bed and a place to live no drama ON MY OWN.

@Mirabai im
more disappointed in the parents of the two year old to be fair there the ones I feel disgusted in.

im just glad this isn’t my situation because it can’t be easy however I’d still never send a 2 year old to care if I could make a difference to their life which not going into care would do so.

The OP will do what she wants and will have to live with it so I can leave thag here. I know im a good person who would do everything I could for an unwanted baby even temporarily while the parents sorted their shit

100% this!! Bil needs to take responsibility!

It is very unlikely that they would be any support for any care needs. Those care needs may well place the baby or other children in danger.

It's clear that many people on this thread have no understanding of the difficulties a child may have in this situation. They may have experience alcohol and drugs in the womb, parents who use alcohol and drugs, exposed to chaotic lifestyle, risky sex, abuse, neglect, poor maternal mental health and whatever else he's experienced from the father, who refuses to accept responsibility for himself or his child.

It is likely that this child will have an attachment disorder and need specialised care that OP cannot provide with a younger child in the family.

OP, you have your own difficulties with PPD. You have to know your own limits. There are options for this child but you are not one of them. Even if you could manage the chid, inviting the parents' chaos into your family is a huge mistake. They will come!

Ultimately, I don't see anyone putting so much emotional pressure or manipulation on the father. It's easy to target a new mother, though.

These are lovely sentiments.

But the reality is that the mother may not want “treatment” . And even if she does, it may take years to get it and years to fix things. The child doesn’t have years.

It’s also possible or even probable that she will meet another man and have another baby with him, which make it even more unlikely that she will want this child back.

The father is showing no signs of trying to get his shit together. And the longer his child is cared for by someone else , the less often he sees him and the longer he lives as a carefree single man, the less likely he is to ever want his child back.

Remember that 50%’ of fathers stop contact with their children within 2 years of divorce / separation. And that’s mostly men who are functional, who hold down jobs and have their own homes, so doing a lot better than the Ops BIL.

Sadly is no chance at all that the Op will be able to get the child therapy, unless she has the money to pay for it privately. She is also very unlikely to get any help from SS, as PP who have done it have pointed out.

As long as the child is being adequately cared for by a family member, SS will do absolutely nothing to help.

We would all like to hope that things will work out Ok, that the parents of this child will ask for help, get it and make good decision for their child. But the best predictor of the future is the past.

It’s not fair to this child to gamble with his future, in the hope that a miracle will happen and parents who have been inadequate for two years will suddenly change now. Or in the next 8 months before the Op goes back to work FT.

If neither of his parents can care for him, would be better for the child to go to foster care now with a view to finding an adoptive placement for him. That’s a lot more likely at 2 than it will be in a few years time.

I do not think the OP should be feeling guilty. The simple fact is the boy is likely to better off with experienced foster parents who can meet his needs.

I don’t know how you’d manage it. I have a baby and he takes up a lot of my time. I really couldn’t cope with a child especially one from such difficult circumstances as you’d want to give them the attention they deserve and to make them feel welcome. Obviously everyone is different and some people manage better than me but I think it’s fine to turn it down to get the child into a better situation where they’re given more attention. If you do agree then you have to be sure as it’d be much worse if they end up in care if you can’t cope.

Do you work? Because I find the thought of juggling a fourth child with work extremely stressful just thinking about it. The nursery drop offs would add more work.

Perfect! Sounds like you would be just right to be a foster carer. I’ve given the link upthread so easy peasy to get started.

Loads of children out there who need you.

You could have one moving in by the summer!

@ThomasinaLivesHere Exactly. I don’t know why one adult (BIL), (perhaps with support from MiL and FIL) is less able to cope with one child than two adults (OP and her DH) who also have three other children to care for.

It doesn’t add up and sounds as if the reality is that BIL doesn’t want to care for his child.

@mummy21blueeyed how sad that in all of your last post you say "I" and "my" so many times. Yet fail to appear to consider your own child at all. Or whether you are the best person to care for this child. So selfish wanting to charge in like so many on this thread to "save this poor child" and be the answer, when you are not even thinking about your own child.

Martyrs abounding like mad on this thread. Why should a 2 year old ( with 2 parents) needs come above the 3 children OP already has?

@mummy21blueeyed

Your posts are incredibly naive.

Please do not imply that the op is not a good person ( unlike your good self of course ) because whatever you seem to think, this is not a simple situation with an obvious solution

I dont think you should feel bad. It would be different if you had a relationship with him and knew him, but you dont and he doesnt know you.

Obviously his father needs to step up here but otherwise he would be better to go to foster care where he could get total support. My friend is a foster carer and so kind, caring and empathetic. So sad for him poor boy

@Mumofteenandtween grow up. I didn’t say I’d go and foster any child. I’m not ever going to do that because I am happy with my own one child and hopefully if life does go in the direction I want I will have another of my own in 3/4 years time. Again if a family member struggled to care or could no longer I would put myself forward. Not like I’m going to run to Childrens services tomorrow and offer myself up. We all know it happens and everything inbetween but I don’t know them I don’t know the kids in care but I would know of my family member going in which would mess with me for life. Again I’d expect my partner to have a serious chat with his brother about sorting himself
out for his child. He’d have the support to get housed

From what was posted by another user i dont think the court would place a child into mummy21blueeyed care.

There are lots of children in foster care now waiting for someone with your empathy , feelings of care and sadness. Why don’t you apply to work as a foster carer or even adopt a child with special needs? You could put some of your wonderful feelings into action and actually help a child.

Personally can’t imagine just having a biological child as you have done @mummy21blueeyed and selfishly putting your own lifestyle and wants over the needs of all these children in care who desperately need a home.

But that’s just me.