Reluctant to take in nephew

[Coffeefirst22]

DH and I have been together for 3 years and we have a newborn (4 months) we also have my children 9&7 from a previous relationship who live with us full time. We got together very quickly but we have a very strong relationship.

BIL and gf have recently split up and have a 2 year old (plus she has 2 older children) Gf has said she doesn’t want her kids anymore but BIL said he won’t cope with him and isn’t in a position to have him yet as he is currently sofa surfing and most recently moved in with his parents (my in laws) on their floor as they have 1 bed bungalow.

There is social services involvement due to neglect and a couple of other reasons and she has been told to improve. MIL has asked us to take the youngest in temporarily because we have stable jobs/relationship and I’m on maternity leave so I can care for him.

I’ve seen him once as a baby. DH thinks he has additional needs. We have no idea how to care for a child with trauma plus we have busy lives (even on mat leave).

Is this even legal to take in another persons child? What would happen if neither parent wants him back? We live over an hour away from them and neither drive so I doubt would visit. DH says we need to consider it as we are family but I just don’t believe that social care will remove him from his home (from what has been said secondhand to us) and even so I don’t believe we can offer him the attention he is going to need. We have our hands full.

I don’t know my in laws very well I haven’t spent much time with them but I think presumptuous to think we would just say yes.

Don't do it. Not if you feel like you can't. It's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to you own children, and if you feel like you're only just coping at the mo, adding another child with additional needs isn't going to do you any good. And if you're struggling, your children will struggle.

How do know you’d take in a 2 year old on top of 3 kids?

I have been in a very similar situation to the child but in my teens.

If you don't want to, don't do it. You aren't being selfish etc. You are just being realistic.

The child can go to a temporary foster placement instead with people who are trained, paid, and willing.

I'd take him in a heartbeat. Try speaking to his SW to find out facts first hand. Find out what the DC needs are. What level of support would SS give him? Would he get play therapy to help him to understand his Mum and Dads absence? He would need this.

Ah that's harsh all around but flipping hell, so sad for that baby 😔

Local authorities are just crying out for lovely foster careers with a caring heart like yours.

So many children out there with nowhere to go.

It is easy to get involved - https://www.gov.uk/becoming-foster-parent

It only takes 4 - 6 months so by the summer your first child could move in.

Do come back and let us know how you get on!

I think it's absolutely fine to say you can't cope.

However, I also think it's very reasonable to want to know the full situation before you make a decision. At the very least, it's sensible to ask MIL for a contact at Social Services, and say you've been asked to look after the child, and you'd like to discuss your options with them.

Social services may not even think it's a suitable placement, which saves you from being the bad guy.

Once upon a time I would have without hesitation. I'd have felt it was the right thing to do and how I could I not? I've learned over the years that life isn't so simple and my attitude there didn't even consider what was best for me. I was raised by a martyr mother who never taught me it was okay to not always do 'the right thing' (because it's not always the right thing) and to always put other people's needs and feelings first.

Presented with that same situation now, I would consider it but not hesitate to say no. I have learned it is okay to say no, that my needs matter, I don't have to stretch myself to over capacity to sort out problems that aren't my responsibility and it's okay even if I just don't want to at this point in life.

This child isn't an orphan (I think I'd still do it then) but has parents. They will also be in your life. His father needs to sort himself out and step up to provide a home for his son.

If you can't/won't, then maybe MIL can step up. I find it's easy for people to have a lot of say when they aren't having to take on the work involved.

💕

why is it down to you-he has 2 parents and your ils aswell why cant they do it together

So his own father won't cope but it is thought that a couple of virtual strangers will?

How has BIL ended up on his parent's sofa?

Why can't he work & pay for childcare as many mothers do?

absolutelty valid to say no.

we cared for dn for a few months as their parent had an accident and needed rehab and the other parents coudn't step in.

it nearly broke us. and that was a) knowing dn very well b) no sen c) knowing it was very temporary

no support from authorities whatsoever. they were just glad not to have to deal with short term foster care.

Poor little love. What a start to life, having two bloody shit parents. They’re both disgusting. What sort of person decides they don’t want their children anymore? And as for your BiL, staying at his parents might be overcrowded but it’s still stable and secure; it’s not as though he might have to spend the odd night in a doorway. Shame on the pair of them.

I have a DN approaching the same age and I’d take him like a shot, but there are no additional issues, we’re very close and my circumstances are very different to yours. In your position I can’t be sure I’d feel the same. It would mean everything revolving around a child who isn’t yours and your own children potentially taking a back seat. Such an awful position to be in. You certainly shouldn’t be negatively judged if you decide against it.

You're at a very big disadvantage in this as all the information is going through the MIL- I would ask if you and your DH could meet with the social worker yourselves. The proposal that your MIL has made may not actually be viable. You'll also need information on the childs needs; and what sort of wider support will be available in order to make an informed choice.

I have had caring responsibilities for a traumatised stepchild - however hard you think it’s going to be x that by 100 and add in the fact you will not have the same feelings/bond with this child that you have with your own children, which helps you weather the storms somewhat of bad times with them. Not something to be done on a whim or because in laws have idealised the outcome in their desperation to help. It’s tragic for the child, but unless you commit your life to turning his life around, it’s going to be ruinous to your relationships with DH and DCs, your physical and mental
health, work etc. You could also compound the trauma if you take him in and then have to give him up because you can’t cope.

I’m on team don’t do it.

OP why don't you talk to the social worker, disclose your situation with a 4 month old and PPD , no real relationship with the child. You might actually also find out what's going on. If it was just housing social care would work with the local authority to address that rather than place a child in foster care. You may well not be assessed as suitable anyway and having a conversation doesn't give you any obligation but it will give you the facts so you can make an informed decision.
FWIW I work in a field where children are issued removed from the family home temporarily or permanently , and kinship care is often very complicated and difficult, you're right to not just dive in head first. That doesn't mean it can't work but you don't have to sort out BILs mess.

I remember a thread a while ago about a similar situation, and the OP of that one was getting absolutely harassed by a social worker who saw her as an easy solution. Speaking to them now may result in the same for OP.

@notlucreziaborgia thats the thread ive linked upthread

OP YANBU and don't let the drama queens on this thread who aren't being asked to turn their lives upside down and take in another DC make you feel so guilty that, against your better judgement, you agree to take this little boy in.

You and your DH are strangers to this DC. You are related, yes, but since he doesn't know you from Adam I don't see that as being particularly relevant. If you were his Aunty and Uncle and he'd spent lots of time with you and your kids it would be different. Foster parents are trained and generally experienced and they are professionals who do a job - you are none of those things. You are a parent yourself with three DC and a job (even if you are currently on ML). You are not in a good position to support this DC. So don't let others guilt you into agreeing, if you don't feel you can do it.

That is bloody awful . How horrible.

Aha I missed that. Yeah, the advice saying ‘talk to a social worker’ is likely to result in OP finding herself under even more pressure to take him.

@notlucreziaborgia I agree I remembered that thread as soon as i started reading this one and the appalling behaviour of that social worker.

You won't be doing him any favours if you take him in and can't cope. You barely know him so the right thing for him would be to go into care with a foster carer who knows how to help a traumatised child. You also have to consider the huge amount of disruption a traumatised child might bring to your children. I'm speaking as someone who has brought up adopted traumatised children. You need to be able to focus entirely on the traumatised child.

You have three children of your own, they are your priority.
You haven't been spoken to by Social Care yet - certainly wait for that first. However, it is perfectly okay to put your family first, they all need you, and not the disruption that comes with another child.
Let MIL take the child in, he would benefit from 1:1 at first.
You can say to your husband that it's not a Not Ever, but with a 16wk old it's definitely Not Now.

Is it even legal. Are you joking. Must be middle class as this is such a standard me me me reply. Poor child. I know the care system, its awful . You have a chance to turn this kids life around at only 2years old. But you would rather he went in the care system. I think this such a selfish response. So much for family . It used to be standard that family would help . The responses as well are truly awful. You send this kid into care and I hope it ways heavily on your conscience.