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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Reluctant to take in nephew

284 replies

Coffeefirst22 · 14/01/2024 19:03

DH and I have been together for 3 years and we have a newborn (4 months) we also have my children 9&7 from a previous relationship who live with us full time. We got together very quickly but we have a very strong relationship.

BIL and gf have recently split up and have a 2 year old (plus she has 2 older children) Gf has said she doesn’t want her kids anymore but BIL said he won’t cope with him and isn’t in a position to have him yet as he is currently sofa surfing and most recently moved in with his parents (my in laws) on their floor as they have 1 bed bungalow.

There is social services involvement due to neglect and a couple of other reasons and she has been told to improve. MIL has asked us to take the youngest in temporarily because we have stable jobs/relationship and I’m on maternity leave so I can care for him.

I’ve seen him once as a baby. DH thinks he has additional needs. We have no idea how to care for a child with trauma plus we have busy lives (even on mat leave).

Is this even legal to take in another persons child? What would happen if neither parent wants him back? We live over an hour away from them and neither drive so I doubt would visit. DH says we need to consider it as we are family but I just don’t believe that social care will remove him from his home (from what has been said secondhand to us) and even so I don’t believe we can offer him the attention he is going to need. We have our hands full.

I don’t know my in laws very well I haven’t spent much time with them but I think presumptuous to think we would just say yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeefirst22 · 14/01/2024 21:02

@Mudflaps thank you for sharing

OP posts:
Postapocalypticcowgirl · 14/01/2024 21:02

I agree with those who've said that the first step is talking to the social worker, if you are considering this at all. I also do think that it is okay to say that you don't think you'd be able to cope with it at the moment.

If your partner was able to get time off work, would that change things for you?

I think there are lots of unknowns, and as others have said, for the child to come to you, and then the placement break down may well be the worst of all worlds, so it is probably best to only do this if you are sure you can commit to this in the long run- especially for a child who has effectively been rejected by both his parents already.

I think, if this idea has just been broached, you need to have a serious sit down chat with your partner about all of this, ideally without any children present if at all possible. Questions I'd want to discuss would include:

-How long does he see this being for? Something that may go on for a few weeks is different to months is different to indefinitely?

-What happens when you go back to work? What happens if your nephew can't cope with childcare in the way your children can? Can you afford childcare for him?

-Can you afford another child full stop? If not, what support would you need in order to do this?

-Is he expecting to facilitate contact with either parent? This may be something that social services would suggest/expect.

-What about the impact on your own children? Both the impact of bringing another young child into the house, who may have SEN AND the impact of your nephew maybe one day returning home, and your children suddenly losing that close relationship?

Mywingshurt · 14/01/2024 21:02

Harsh because I don't know the back story, but it just seems that this arrangement would enable your BIL to continue with his less than acceptable parenting whilst absolving him of any guilt because his boy is with family.

I wouldn't do it unless there was a guarantee that it was short term with a clear plan and a BIL desperate to get his son back.

CoffeeLover90 · 14/01/2024 21:02

ttcat37 · 14/01/2024 19:58

We kinship cared for a time. Before this I would never have dreamt not to take on a family member’s child. It was a nightmare. The easy child we knew became extremely challenging, pushing our mental health and our relationship to their limits. Ultimately due to their behaviour we couldn’t keep them safe anymore and they had to go into foster care. Social services were absolutely awful.
Please think really carefully about whether you have the capacity to look after someone else’s child especially if they are troubled. It is a thankless task. We feel extreme guilt for how it ended.

I couldn't leave this unsaid, you've nothing to feel guilty about. What you did was extremely brave and selfless, it may not have gone as you planned but you tried. I couldn't do it.

SquirrelHash · 14/01/2024 21:04

I think you could get a special guardianship order but it shouldn't be taken on lightly. Once you take him it will be dreadfully difficult to give him back. Don't let other relatives decide how easy or not it will be for you!

CoffeeLover90 · 14/01/2024 21:07

OP, I think they say it's better with family because there's often a relationship there. That's not the case for you. Foster carers are used to this, they know how to handle everything, they'll often take in one at a time. In your home I'm thinking this child won't get the attention he needs, and I really don't mean that in a nasty way. My heart goes out to him and her other two children.

Fitandfree · 14/01/2024 21:13

Dalriadanland · 14/01/2024 19:08

You will get paid to do it by the way.

No she wouldn't - not as family

Lavenderflower · 14/01/2024 21:13

In all seriousness, social service may not deem it in the best interest of the child.

MeridianB · 14/01/2024 21:13

Adelaff · 14/01/2024 20:48

I feel cross on your behalf that your MIL has made the suggestion and put you in this situation.

For me, this would be a hard no. Two older kids plus a 4 month old are plenty to be going on with. I would not have capacity to take on a 2 year old with potential additional needs on top of that. And whatever your DH might think or say about doing his fair share, you will be the primary caregiver by virtue of being on mat leave and because of course you will. Are you prepared to stretch yourself thin at the expense of your other children, not to mention your own mental and emotional wellbeing?

Bottom line is, you don't want to. Feeling guilty about that is never going to be a good enough reason to do it. You need to tell your DH that you don't have capacity. As PP have suggested, BIL needs to go to the council with his child and declare himself homeless.

I agree with this, OP.

It would be way too much. The people volunteering you for this won’t be doing the work. This is a really important time for you and your newborn and family.

I feel very sad for the little boy but you’d also be inviting two dysfunctional (and possibly unwell/drug-using) adults into your lives.

Your PILs need to step up now. Please don’t feel guilty.

momonpurpose · 14/01/2024 21:13

DisforDarkChocolate · 14/01/2024 19:15

That is an awful lot to ask especially as this would be seen as kinship caring but you have no bond.

MIL should be the first option if she is known to the little one. Her son has other options for housing.

This. Honestly as sad as this is its not your mess to fix

Skybluecoat · 14/01/2024 21:15

This child has a father who can take care of him.

I would imagine accommodation would be found to enable him to house himself and child if it’s not possible to stay with MIL?

HidingFromDD · 14/01/2024 21:21

I would have taken on any of my nephews/nieces but the difference is that I had an ongoing relationship with them, the support requirements would have been bereavement and the impact on my children could have been assessed at the start. In your position I’m sorry but I’d have said no.

bombardelli · 14/01/2024 21:24

DH wants to offer you out as a foster mum because he knows you will be the one doing the work.

If he can find a way to take time off work for months and take care of his nephew then he can do it, but you should not be guilt tripped into it.

Original poster
Coffeefirst22 · 14/01/2024 21:27

Thank you for your responses.

I would really like to say that we could take him in no matter what.

However we don’t know the full situation we only have what BIL has told us and what MIL has asked us. We have no idea how close social services are to rehoming the kids.

I have suffered with PPD which we haven’t disclosed to the in laws so on the surface we probably look like we can handle the situation. I’m not sure that I would be mentally able to cope.

There are so many things that this thread has highlighted to me.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 14/01/2024 21:31

I absolutely would do this, without question. I would make it work.

MrsMarzetti · 14/01/2024 21:32

Tell your partner he will have to give up work to help, he will soon change his mind. This is a sad situation but you are not the solution.

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 21:33

There’s no way I’d allow a family member go in to the horrid care system. That poor child. It actually has hurt my heart. I can’t believe your partner isn’t doing everything he can for his nephew. He needs support and love and no one wants him. it’s your life but if this was my niece or nephew or cousin I’d be there in a heartbeat offering myself up.

bombardelli · 14/01/2024 21:33

StarDolphins · 14/01/2024 21:31

I absolutely would do this, without question. I would make it work.

But you are not in OP’s shoes.

bombardelli · 14/01/2024 21:34

mummy21blueeyed · 14/01/2024 21:33

There’s no way I’d allow a family member go in to the horrid care system. That poor child. It actually has hurt my heart. I can’t believe your partner isn’t doing everything he can for his nephew. He needs support and love and no one wants him. it’s your life but if this was my niece or nephew or cousin I’d be there in a heartbeat offering myself up.

It hurts your heart? Tad dramatic. Pretty sure it’s OP’s hurt here, not yours.

StarDolphins · 14/01/2024 21:35

bombardelli · 14/01/2024 21:33

But you are not in OP’s shoes.

Show quote history

Well clearly not, obviously. If I was, I would do as I stated. Isn’t that the point of an online, opinion forum?

Orangeoranges42 · 14/01/2024 21:35

I think you perhaps can’t take the nephew you in. But hopefully can help get the BIL in a better position with finding house, etc or whatever he needs to be able to look after his child himself.

deffo try and speak to social services so you hear from the people on the know not third or forth hand.

what a difficult position xx

bombardelli · 14/01/2024 21:37

StarDolphins · 14/01/2024 21:35

Well clearly not, obviously. If I was, I would do as I stated. Isn’t that the point of an online, opinion forum?

Show quote history

It’s easy to say what you would do, doing it is different.

JenniferBooth · 14/01/2024 21:39

martyr syndrome

Mirabai · 14/01/2024 21:40

Absolutely no reason why BIL can’t sort out accommodation for the pair of them and take care of his own child. MIL can help out if she’s that bothered about it.

Yep. I don’t know why MIL is pressuring OP and her DH instead of BIL!

notlucreziaborgia · 14/01/2024 21:40

Coffeefirst22 · 14/01/2024 21:27

Thank you for your responses.

I would really like to say that we could take him in no matter what.

However we don’t know the full situation we only have what BIL has told us and what MIL has asked us. We have no idea how close social services are to rehoming the kids.

I have suffered with PPD which we haven’t disclosed to the in laws so on the surface we probably look like we can handle the situation. I’m not sure that I would be mentally able to cope.

There are so many things that this thread has highlighted to me.

I wouldn’t engage at all with social services, or indeed anyone looking at you to do this. Don’t leave yourself open to emotional blackmail and pressure. Taking him in when you don’t want to, because it’s expected of you, isn’t going to be in anyone’s best interests.

You didn’t create this situation, and it isn’t on you to solve it.

I’m also from ‘a Mediterranean family’, and however nicely people like to dress that concept, what that usually means in practice is that the nearest woman gets dumped on and is expected to suck it up without complaint. I’m also childfree, and would say no to this. You’re allowed to determine your own life.