My friend self-invited herself and got upset when rejected WWYD?

[ORLt]

A good old friend, on hearing I have to go abroad to sort out probate - in all likelihood several trips - (not a relaxed holiday) messaged me and I quote: 'Next time you are going, I am coming for a week'. I answered 'No, I want to be in .... by myself'. She answered 'suit yourself, I will to go .... with Emily'. A few weeks past and she messaged: 'When are you going? I insist you take me with you for a week'. My answer was 'I don't want you there. I shall go on my own'. (Sorting out my late mum's belongings and probate, not in a mood for entertaining guests). She wrote 'that is as rude as **ck.' and then she wrote a few pages on how insensitive and rude I was, how that country had memories for her, which was important to her and how I was rude to many people over the years (we have no friends or contacts in common, she can't verify even if I was). She went on to say I am non-PC and should be pulled up about it. I am in shock - was I supposed to say yes? Is it rude to say no to somebody who self-invites twice?

Blimey she’s batshit!

OP if you’re at all bothered about saving this friendship I would message along the lines of: “I’m sorry if I came across a bit blunt saying I didn’t want you there. It’s nothing personal, I don’t want anybody there. I want to be alone while I sort out my mum’s belongings and deal with probate, that’s the purpose of my trip.”

She's really rude.

You owe her nothing. She sounds desperate as if you're selling this will be her last chance for free accommodation.

Either block her, or tell her, I am going to sort my late mother's estate, it is not a holiday and will be a sad time for me, I need to be alone. All the best. Then block!

Wow. That’s harsh. And she accuses you of being insensitive? You shouldn’t have to explain yourself. She asked once and you said no. She has boundary issues by coming back a second time ignoring your previous response. Cut her loose. I hope you get your mum’s affairs sorted without any more drama.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, I was incredibly close to my mum and I’m familiar with people thinking a few months had gone by and I should be over her death. The reality is your friend is not really a friend, she is rude, insensitive and selfish. I would tell her in no uncertain terms how disappointed you are with her lack of sensitivity. What a petulant child she is, ridiculous behaviour and you don’t need that shit.

You have excellent boundaries and dealt with this rude, pushy user extremely well. Good for you. Now it is time to block her and move on with your life without her in it. Her rantings at you are insane. How dare she speak to you like that? She is incredibly rude.

Well, she is batshit crazy, but both the response you sent, and the one you wanted to send were rude. A better response might have been, "No, this will be an incredibly difficult time for me. I very much need to do this on my own. I cannot, in any way, host another person during this time."

How awful for you..i know the feeling of sheer grief when both my parents passed away i cant imagine what i would have replied..to someone so blatently cruel towards you...its not on and i certainly wouldnt be dealing with her or anyone like her...she is an arrogant woman. With very little empathy...if she had said for example..look i.m worried and concerned about you...can i acompany you as a good friend for support..well different words..but even then youre still entitled to say no just say no firmly..and anymore nonsense tell her she has blown a good friendship ..but some people just do not get it .narcissist comes to mind with her antics. Hope you stay strong when you get there..xx💕💐

I don’t think you were rude. Just clear and firm which was appropriate when she asked a second time.

no longer a person you need in your life.

Dear X , Thank you for making it easy for me to realise that our friendship is over. Please don’t contact me again.
Best wishes…

I am afraid I would reply to her along the lines of... I cannot believe you have been so rude, pushy and insensitive to try and blag a holiday and be very mean to me at this difficult time for us. Sorting though my mothers things will be hard enough and emotional and is something I want to do by myself without distractions. You have shown your true colours and, quite frankly, are not much of a friend. And then I would block and never deal with her again.

But that's me

WTAF!

You were not rude OP. You were clear and to the point. All you did was fail to apologise for saying no which is what some people expect others (but only women, men are allowed to just say "no") to do. Don't worry about it.

She on the other hand sounds batshit. If she thinks you are so rude and "non-PC" and this bothers her she won't want to go on a trip with you, so I guess her not going should work for both of you.

Wow! How self absorbed, manipulative and insensitive is your ‘friend’ !

Stand your ground and I’d be blocking her at this point.

You need to write the above to her, if you decide to answer her at all.

She lived there, but doesn't speak the language? She just wanted a tour guide and someone to glom onto for a trip she could make all about her. Unbelievable. smdh

I am so very sorry for your loss. I've been where you are at and it's a difficult and long process. I do wish you had someone who could go with you and just support you, help you and not need to be cooked for, talked to except when you wanted or guided around town like a tourist on vacation.

Again, you have my sympathies.

I think that explaining too much to OP's loony friend would have just given the friend ammunition to try and wear her down until she agreed to have friend go with her. Then, once there, would have whined and wheedled until OP went off on her in a foreign country. This way, all the middle stuff was eliminated from needing to be dealt with at some point.

Agree with above. There are some people you just have to be blunt with as they'll want to enter a massive debate with you if you give too much information.

How are you getting on OP?

Really grateful for everybody's point of view. Took all of it on board, seriously. Both messages of 'you were right' and 'you were rude'. I see where both types of messages are coming from. I blocked her, because several pages of critique of me came on the same day, but intermittently, so I found I was reaching for the phone quite a lot, and it was distracting and unsettling. So I blocked her. I am not upset about being called 'rude' in relation to her, but very upset about realising the person harbours such contempt and disgust towards me - 'my vile non-PC things I say', the many people I was rude to over the years (not a friend/contact in common). I had no idea of the real feelings and this is scary as I thought we were friends. She did not want to spend Christmas with her husband and his family and I invited her (before the messages), to the displeasure of my husband and child (not keen on non-family being with us at Christmas). A bit bewildered really, as it was unexpected, the messages about my vileness, I mean.

Why didn't she want to spend Christmas with her husband and his family? That's very strange.

She is not keen on in-laws and her husband's kids from his previous marriage.

It sounds like you're well out of it OP

You've got good boundaries but you need even better ones with people like her. I suspect she's ground you down a little over time without you noticing.

At Christmas you had two choices. Either she had Christmas with her own family, including the ones she doesn't like and she got pissed off.
OR she had Christmas with your family, so your husband and child were pissed off at having a stranger there and for no real reason too (she wasn't eg bereaved and going to be alone at Christmas).
By inviting her you put her feelings above those of your own family. Why? Your own family weren't being unreasonable and your frienemy didn't need you. I can't help wondering if she invited herself on that occasion too, or at least dropped heavy hints that she wanted you to invite her.

I doubt she truly thinks those things she said in her pages of critique. How can she say you've been rude to people when she doesn't know any of your other friends? I'm not defending her. She's chosen her words purely to try to hurt you and has focused on what she thinks are your weak points (fear of being perceived as rude) whilst trying to gaslight you into doubting yourself and whether you've done the right thing.
There's a whole heap of projection in there too, she is the rude one, only rude people invite themselves on other people's trips. I'll bet she's like this all the time, so it's her who's rude to many people and all the rest of it.

Well done for blocking her and getting her toxicity out of your life.

Thank you! Do you know what? I have not even noticed what I did by this invitation - coming to think of it, she never asked directly for the invite, she was only saying, on repeat, how awful and unbearable, the prospect of spending Christmas with the husband and his children and relatives would be, I have not even noticed what happened here, that I was manipulated into inviting her. Strangely, when I have a look at other people's threads, I go like 'is it not obvious?' and I shake my head, and when it comes to myself, I don't see the obvious. My husband is a 100% Brit, he probably noticed the manipulation, but never said a word, just was massively relieved when she said she was not coming. Btw, now coming to think of it, she kept us in suspense whether she was coming or not, I was forced by my husband to ask her if she is coming, to make seating plans, 2 days before Christmas. She then said she was not coming. Thank you.

And she dares to call you rude!

That sounds like a 'her' problem to fix not a 'you' problem to fix for her.

I hope you're doing better now and that the probate issue is in hand. Sending you lots of support at this stage.

@LookItsMeAgain - Thank you!

I realise most of this thread is a few weeks old, so maybe things have moved on by now, but honestly I'd call time on this friendship. She is beyond rude, and I wouldn't stand for that.