My friend self-invited herself and got upset when rejected WWYD?

[ORLt]

A good old friend, on hearing I have to go abroad to sort out probate - in all likelihood several trips - (not a relaxed holiday) messaged me and I quote: 'Next time you are going, I am coming for a week'. I answered 'No, I want to be in .... by myself'. She answered 'suit yourself, I will to go .... with Emily'. A few weeks past and she messaged: 'When are you going? I insist you take me with you for a week'. My answer was 'I don't want you there. I shall go on my own'. (Sorting out my late mum's belongings and probate, not in a mood for entertaining guests). She wrote 'that is as rude as **ck.' and then she wrote a few pages on how insensitive and rude I was, how that country had memories for her, which was important to her and how I was rude to many people over the years (we have no friends or contacts in common, she can't verify even if I was). She went on to say I am non-PC and should be pulled up about it. I am in shock - was I supposed to say yes? Is it rude to say no to somebody who self-invites twice?

Thank you, I was not born in the UK and if you say it sounds incredibly rude, it must be true, I needed an impartial opinion.

If you are so awfully non PC why the hell would she want to come with you abroad, travel with you?
She's talking nonsense because she didn't get her way, ignore her.

Thank you for saying this - I had this doubt, I needed an impartial opinion.

You don’t need impartial opinions to decide you don’t like something and don’t want to tolerate it. You’re very much in the right here, but even if you were being complexly unreasonable, you still wouldn’t have to be friends with this person or go on holiday with them.

Just tell her that this is not a holiday, it is for you to sort out family business and the last time you checked your family tree, she was not on it. Any further comments on the matter will lead to you blocking her.

I am so sorry for your loss, Ihave a friend who left it 10 yrs before she could sort out her parents' home. It was tough and I had to be quite brutal when she was thinking about keeping a couple of her mother's evening dresses for her sons... however, we did do it and she felt a little lighter when we finished but it was definitely tough.

She sounds rude and pushy

It's not like she is trying to help you, just freeload

And so sorry for the loss of your dm.

Was she "insisting" to support you...

As in she saw you try and deal with this two years ago alone, saw that you couldn't cope, and was saying "I won't let you do it alone again, I'm coming to support you even if you are too stubborn to admit you need the help to do this with you"

For you to essentially say "no, it's fine"

And she said "I insist I'm not taking no for an answer it was so hard for you last time and I will not let you suffer alone again I'm coming"

I think perhaps there was a language barrier here, you took her words at face value, when she perhaps meant them in the above context.

@ORLt There’s no time limit on grief. Every single one of us handles it differently, and even having once experienced it, you never seem to handle the next death the same as the previous one.
Don’t be hard on yourself, you are doing the best that you can when you can.

Thank you.

OP it sounds like you don’t have a lot of experience asserting yourself. Whether that id cultural ir familial only you can say. But from a UK/American point of view, culturally speaking, her requests were absolutely outrageous and when you didn’t give in she went right on the attack snd even tried to destroy your comfort snd safety with your friends. She is displaying one of the traits of malignant narcissism, by the way—when you didn’t submit and she couldn’t get what she wanted from you she devalued you and attacked your social standing and other friendships.

Sorry you are going through this

Like you I needed 2 years before I was able to sort through, and throw away, my mum's stuff

It's hard

Be kind to yourself

Don't engage in silly conversation like asking for a list of people you insulted. Just ignore (if necessary block) this insensitivity friend of yours

Sorry about your mum, it isn't easy.
As for you batshit 'friend' she needs to shove the 'unpc' rubbish where the sun doesn't shine and fuck right off.
I'd love to meet her tbh on your behalf.....

A suggested response to "friend"

You have behaved appallingly.
The trips I make to x is in order to sort out probate rather than a relaxing holiday. I am not obliged to let you come with and I tried to make that clear.
Your response is even more outstandingly rude than the initial and subsequent tone-deaf requests to join me.
Your accusations of my own inappropriate behaviour are malicious and ridiculous.
Please reflect on how much pain your ill behaviour has caused me at an already difficult time.
Please also never contact me again.

And so sorry about the loss of your mother.

This person has well and truly over stepped the mark. I found it difficult enough dealing with parts of probate 3 years on and kept avoiding it, when I got down to some stuff just sat and cried - I wouldn't have wanted someone there with me having a holiday, thats for sure.

id reply

You go and visit x country whenever you like, have a fab time down memory lane. I will be visiting solo as have work to do and it would spoil your time away. Which in turn you'd voice your disappointment and I can't handle that right now.

@Pinkyhere that's a great response!

OP if your 'friend' thinks so little of you (based on the things she's accused you of), she's dodging a bullet by not going away with you - so win win.

She's not a friend you need in your life. Does she bring anything positive to your friendship?

Total cheeky fucker. Well done for maintaining your boundaries.

Don't forget this

I had a friend who helped me with my mothers designer clothes and items. I gave her lots for a local charity. I later found out she sold them herself. Naturally we are NC.
I understand taking a kind friend with you, it's tough work. But someone who attacks you has a hidden agenda. Even if it's free bed and board. Let her get her own holiday.

She's rude as fuck.

When she made this demand was she also expecting you to pay for her flights etc?
Is she thinking she might get the chance to benefit financially now you're dealing with your late mum's estate?

She's exploiting your bereavement for a free holiday. Not much of a friend.

I had a manager who would do this. When I was trying to discuss one thing she'd deflect it onto my perceived faults (which she couldn't back up). She's trying to distract you from her behaviour by making you feel guilty about what she says you've done.

She's a loon.

She sounds demented. Don’t engage with her any more or it will just feed her ridiculous demands.

Block and find real friends.