My friend self-invited herself and got upset when rejected WWYD?

[ORLt]

A good old friend, on hearing I have to go abroad to sort out probate - in all likelihood several trips - (not a relaxed holiday) messaged me and I quote: 'Next time you are going, I am coming for a week'. I answered 'No, I want to be in .... by myself'. She answered 'suit yourself, I will to go .... with Emily'. A few weeks past and she messaged: 'When are you going? I insist you take me with you for a week'. My answer was 'I don't want you there. I shall go on my own'. (Sorting out my late mum's belongings and probate, not in a mood for entertaining guests). She wrote 'that is as rude as **ck.' and then she wrote a few pages on how insensitive and rude I was, how that country had memories for her, which was important to her and how I was rude to many people over the years (we have no friends or contacts in common, she can't verify even if I was). She went on to say I am non-PC and should be pulled up about it. I am in shock - was I supposed to say yes? Is it rude to say no to somebody who self-invites twice?

You certainly are not wrong @ORLt
I would be no contact with her.
You have enough stress in your life without her adding to it. She's probably still hoping you'll invite her along.
No chance Ihope

Actually, thank you everyone, for your opinions! I am re-reading the thread, because this situation has a hold over me, I keep thinking about it.

I am inclined to think on the same lines, moreover, I don't feel safe with her, I shall have to watch what I say if we resume contact - she accused me of non-PC language and I am scared, she knows where I work, and she said 'I should have been pulled up about my language a long time ago' - I am genuinely concerned that if she were minded to cause a problem for me, people at work won't be picking over who really said what, even though there is nothing in writing, apart from her Whatsapp, where she says - you said this, you said that....

OP you are scared because she's dangerous to you. Trust your gut reaction, it's there to protect you.

She manipulates, bullies, is rude and nasty when she doesn't get her own way, totally disrespects your boindaries...and expects you to sweep it all under the carpet and be nice to her again, whilst simultaneously putting up with yet more jibes - even in this so-called "olive branch" communication.

Report her email as spam and delete it. Nobody with normal thought processes sees that someone has blocked them on one platform and tries to communicate with them on another. You see a boundary you respect it, not try to find a way round it.

@reflecting2023 OP said that after this rude friend had a) invited herself on a free holiday when OP mentioned a bereavement admin trip and b) came back with an even ruder attempt at guilt-tripping manipulation to get her own way, when OP politely said no the first time. "I don't want you there" is pretty mild under those circumstances.

Thank you all, I appreciate it so much - dh won't engage, he bristles when I mention it and ask for advice.

personally I’d email her back stating that her personal attack was particularly unkind considering you are going through your mums bereavement afresh what with sorting her belongings. Considering the lack of meaningful apology and the failure to take responsibility for such horrid accusations, you think it’s best to call it a day. You wish her all the best

She fits what some call an energy vampire. Refuse to engage. Try to forget about her and focus on what your original task was before she came with all her BS.

You are being sucked into a toxic relationship whereby you're controlled by the other person.

Sending these messages, she has you thinking about her all the time - even though you've ended the friendship and want nothing more to do with her.

She's taking up your headspace and time, leaving insufficient time for living your life the way you want to live it (free from her drama). Your life is becoming all about her thoughts, her feelings, how will she react. Second-guessing yourself re: rudeness, due to her gaslighting. Thinking about it all over and over again. Rereading this thread. Your life centers around her now and you don't even realize it's happened.

It's psychologically harmful for you to even read these emails/WhatsApp/texts etc. No contact is just that. Don't open them. Don't read them. Definitely don't respond (one more cease and desist maybe, but TBH I'd not even do that with this particular person, I suspect she'd get off on your distress and use it as another "reason" to contact you, to ask why or something).

Get a new email address if possible. I doubt this is going to be the last you hear from her...

...especially as she knows where you live. Don't answer the door if she shows up and call the police if she doesn't leave in a reasonable timeframe of a few minutes eg if she's waiting hours for you to eventually come out. Contact police re harassment if she continues to contact you (keeping emails as evidence). She's possibly going to turn into a stalker.

Then I received plain texts

Get yourself a phone capable of blocking texts or else get a new phone number.

I see she keeps backdating the amount of snarky not-at-all-an-olive-branch's she's sent. First it's 3 WhatsApps, then the email says that's number 3 when it's actually number 4, then this text says it's number 2 when it's actually number 5.

She is minimising her harassment of you, claiming to have sent less messages than she has. It's more gaslighting designed to make you feel unreasonable about your reaction. As if you're overreacting to a couple of messages and should respond to shut her up. You're not and you shouldn't. It's manipulation to get you to respond.

She wants everything her own way and has put all of the blame on you.

At the end of the day, you were a bit blunt BUT she responded to you in such an outrageously disproportionate way and said so many awful things that she really cannot claim that you were the aggressor.

Even when she messages as an olive branch, claiming it's all 'silly' etc, she can't resist ending with a dig - 'Smart remarks unnecessary' - fuck THAT!!

She's proven herself to be more than a bit of a bitch. Let her go, OP.

dh won't engage, he bristles when I mention it and ask for advice

Why? Did he have enough of her a long time ago?

Personally, I would put her emails into an NC folder. Keep them in case you ever feel FOG/remorse/regret/what ifs - they'll remind you straight away why you went NC. Also useful to keep for any future protective orders.
I would also send a one liner - text or mail - stating: Please do not contact me again. I do not wish to be friends with you anymore. Any further communications from you will be constituted as harassment.

He is pissed off I almost ruined his and our dc Christmas by forcing dh and dc to agree to us hosting her - he did not expect, after we invited her (she had problems with in-laws) for Christmas, Boxing Day and a few days afterwards, that she would write anything of the sort. He does not want to talk about this situation anymore, saying that no friend of his ever did anything of the sort to him and it must be my fault for being such a wet person. Initially when I approached him about her spending Christmas with us, he said - would you be OK if I invited every mate of mine who fell out with his Mrs, to spend Christmas with us from now on? In the end she did not come, but she only told us 4 days before Christmas that she was not coming, so he was pissed off with this late notice too, he kept saying 'phone her, find out if she is coming or not, phone her', and I kept demurring. The whole run-up was tense, and then on New Year's day, this whole correspondence nonsense started.

That's not a very fair judgement on you. I would imagine it comes from a place of anger towards her, but there are kinder ways in which he could express that. Sorry OP.

You say in the above 'I shall have to watch what I say if I resume contact' - please don't even think about resuming contact, she has been horrible to you, she is abusing you, and all because she wants a holiday companion (and free place to stay).

She sounds bat shit crazy, and deeply nasty. Don't engage with her at all - unless, as pps have suggested, to let her know that her messages to you have been very offensive and if she continues to contact you, you will consider it to be harassment.

She has no power over you, if she contacted friends or colleagues to say you were non-PC they will see her as the nut she is, they're not going to ostracise/fire you because someone they don't know sends them an email claiming you said something inappropriate.

Another vote for block, don't keep in contact with her. She sounds unhinged.

Unfortunately, you are right. I am too involved in this.

Also the run up to xmas sounds super annoying, I'm guessing your DH has had more than enough of this one over the years and can't be bothered discussing further.

The chances of doing it on my own - my husband won't come and I would want to wander around on my own anyway - are zero

I haven’t read the whole thread just your updates but I think this isn’t about you. She’s feeling hurt, let down and rejected by her husband and taking it out on you. It’s another example of a woman demanding more from a female friend than her own male partner which always strikes me as sad.

The issue is her husband won’t visit this country that she claims is so special with her and by the sounds of it she has a difficult relationship with his family. So she’s crying out for someone to prioritise her when she should be addressing things with him.

It’s nice you thought of her at Christmas but really for your family’s sake and for her sake it actually wasn’t great to invite when your family wasn’t on board, as she’d have picked up on the feeling of not being welcome. So it’s definitely good that she declined in the end.

Could she be jealous of your previously happy relationship with DH, OP? She's certainly managed to drive a wedge between you with her Christmas shenanigans and how interesting that her latest lot of nastiness started on New Year's Day, ruining that for you too.

Thank you - things have developed in the last couple of days, in a weird way. I am grateful for all the advice I received on this thread.

I seriously doubt it, my dh is not an intellectual, and she is. I think he looks down on him, she would not say it outright, but I know it. But it is not just him - she looks down on people who have not travelled the world, who have not read Zola or Flaubert, etc., she pities them.

When you mentioned Zola, the first thing I thought of was Zola Budd (runner), so I’d be well down the pecking order!

@ORLt I stumbled on this thread by chance. Just wondering how things turned out for you?

Thank you for the message! Since I last posted, I received an email from my friend, saying 'olive branch'. She wrote that she was sorry things went bad between us and she did not want not being friends and that she was upset about how insensitive I was when I said 'don't want you there' and I should have understood that things were bad between her and her husband and his family, hence she was grateful when I asked her to spend Christmas with us. And that it was the last olive branch she was offering (her words) and there would be no more. I did not respond, don't want to.