My friend self-invited herself and got upset when rejected WWYD?

[ORLt]

A good old friend, on hearing I have to go abroad to sort out probate - in all likelihood several trips - (not a relaxed holiday) messaged me and I quote: 'Next time you are going, I am coming for a week'. I answered 'No, I want to be in .... by myself'. She answered 'suit yourself, I will to go .... with Emily'. A few weeks past and she messaged: 'When are you going? I insist you take me with you for a week'. My answer was 'I don't want you there. I shall go on my own'. (Sorting out my late mum's belongings and probate, not in a mood for entertaining guests). She wrote 'that is as rude as **ck.' and then she wrote a few pages on how insensitive and rude I was, how that country had memories for her, which was important to her and how I was rude to many people over the years (we have no friends or contacts in common, she can't verify even if I was). She went on to say I am non-PC and should be pulled up about it. I am in shock - was I supposed to say yes? Is it rude to say no to somebody who self-invites twice?

Last time I asked politely and got the same response. This time, another tack same response. Check back your messages for verification

I know one of these. She's a narcissist. She's told me in conversation that if she wants something to happen she'll just keep asking for it to happen, until it does, until the other person "sees things her way". She genuinely believes it's ok to do this, because she's not shouting at anyone or causing a row only "raising it" over and over again until they give in to shut her up.

She doesn't appear to realise that this is bullying/harassment at all. She appears not to understand that other people's feelings/opinions are equally as valid as hers. Or that people aren't "supposed" to do what she wants, just because she wants it.

I backed swiftly away from the friendship after that!

I think that's why your frienemy has kicked off OP. She genuinely believes there's nothing wrong with her behaviour and that you should accept it. And then give in and do what she wants. Instead you've stood up for yourself and held onto your clearly stated boundaries, which she sees as wrong on both counts. Obviously there's nothing wrong with you and she's the bat-shit crazy one.

Good on you for doing what you want and saying so. So many threads on here where people can't say no.

Exactly this. There's nothing wrong with meeting her with the same level of bluntness/rudeness in response.

All these people saying it has no context etc. The context is the rudeness of someone trying to invite themselves on OP's overseas trip! The purpose of the trio is irrelevant.

However politely it was done (and in this case it wasn't, the CF even decided the length of time the trip should be!), that's rudeness right there - in the action of "asking". I said that in quotatation marks because there was no question at all, no ask. It was a statement, an assumed "yes" right from the beginning.

OP was right to stamp on it. If someone is rude to you there's no obligation to give them politeness in return. Unless you're at work and it's a customer/your boss, I suppose.

We are told ‘no’ is a full sentence, so you’re not at all rude for rebuffing her pushy attitude exactly as you did.

She can’t get her husband to agree, so is trying to bully you into taking her with you. Nope- you don’t want her there and that’s that.

Ignore the ranting and let her drown in her bile.

I'm amazed by your friend. It's really out of order. Make a NY resolution to find better friends than this

I am so sorry for your loss.

I’m in agreement with plenty of previous posts saying this “friend” is a loon.

I’d send her a final reply and once it is sent I’d block her on all but one form of communication (so that she can reply with an apology if it dawns on her just how rude she was).

”Hi friend,
Thanks ever so much for the long critique on my conduct and behaviour you took the time to write.
I would like to point out that my visit to X country is to begin the lengthy and very emotional process of probate on my late mother’s estate. You cannot possibly understand that being your personal guide, translator and whatever else you may have concocted in that pretty brain of yours as being something that “I must do”, it is so far down on the list of things I have to attend to it’s below stuff that I haven’t even imagined I might like to do, like basket weaving for example. Anyway I digress.
I do not want you with me on this or any future visit to X country. You have irreparably damaged our friendship and I no longer consider you as a friend. A friend would never have behaved as you did.
Please only contact me again if you are ready to apologise and agree to work on your own long list of character flaws.
@ORLt “

Wow. She's a special type of psycho entitled, isn't she. Her husband is allowed to say no to her but a mere friend cannot in her mind?

Tell her to do one and not to contact you again or you'll filing a harassment report with the police.

@ORLt

It doesn't sound like this person adds a positive to your life OP. Maybe you should consider blocking her from your life in all platforms. Who needs someone this entitled and manipulative in their life? 🌹

In her 80s.

She sounds spoilt and used to getting what she wants. She is no friend to you.
sorry to hear about your mum and I hope your trip goes as well as possible.

If you wrote it as bluntly as this then I can see why she’s miffed. But, I also think it’s entirely thoughtless to ask to go on holiday at such a sensitive time

Tell her firmly to Fuck Off! Unbelievable !!! Narcissistic bitch. She is NOT your friend. Block her and move on.

Well until you showed us her bizarre reply I was going to say that your message was open to interpretation as a little rude.

It was the 'you' part of I don't want you there -

It would have been better to say "It's not that I don't want you to come but I really don't want anyone there with me while I work through this difficult situation, it's not a holiday for me. In another situation then I wouldn't have minded spending time with you in x"

However, seeing the crazy reply you got which is so self-centered I don't think any reply you would have given would have satisfied her.

Crikey. I’d just say:

Who tries to gatecrash a trip to sort probate and a dead mother’s belongings and tries to make it all about them?

If you’re so awful and rude and non-pc why would she even want to go with you?

She sounds awful, all me me me but not a thought that actually that place might mean something special to you and you don’t want to go to places with her when you are going there to do something else.

I think you’re well rid of her, most people would take the hint on the first time of asking and not push it.

OP let me start by saying you should dump this so called friend as she is rude and cf.

it is totally understandable you were grieving for your mother and this person was wrong to invite herself

but... having read the full msgs. ....

she did not know the grief had affected you so deeply.... so I would have responded to her text saying

"sorry x, would normally love to travel with you but I am going to sort out mums stuff and it will be very difficult for me and I think I need to do it alone. maybe we can go there together another time."

telling anyone, even to a complete stranger "I don't want you there" is not just rude, it's mean. if anyone said it to me, they would never hear from me again (unless v close friend and I knew why they were being like this). your friend was very unreasonable, nasty and rude to respond to you how she did. but in the future, I would maybe slightly temper your language. brits like to apologise before saying no or letting anyone down. I'm an immigrant and I know in the first year or so others perceived me as rude until I figured out the social cues. don't worry, you'll soon be apologising for everything. you know you are there when you apologise to someone in the supermarket because they hit you with their trolley lol.

She can be an old "friend", but she ain't a good one.
You did good.

So sorry for your loss.
Your 'friend' is very rude!

She is rude, you have made it clear and she has disrespected your boundaries. Well done for standing up for yourself, you have done nothing wrong and if you lose her as a friend I would say that isn’t a bad thing.

Your friend is the rude one. She sounds very self centred and selfish.

Good for you for not pandering to her and not going along with what she wants because you don't want to upset her. It's sometimes hard not to be a people pleaser at the detriment of your own wants and needs.

She was rude to invite herself. You were rude and tactless to reply as you did. In the words of Reddit ‘everyone sucks here’ and you’re probably both better off without each other!

It's an emotional time, not a holiday. As she sounds pushy I can see why you said 'I don't want you there'. Under the circumstances you were firm and clear, if you'd been overly polite she would have not taken no for an answer. She should be easy to go LC as you don't have mutual friends.

This lady sounds very immature. How old is she?!!!

You did nothing wrong OP. She's not a friend. Block her so that she can't message again.

Sorry for your loss.

I agree that “I don’t want you there” is blunt but the friend was rude first, stating she was coming and that she insisted. Op’s first reply wasn’t blunt though - she explains wanted to be by herself and then the friend was pushy. Not unreasonable that op was blunt back!

‘Next time you are going, I am coming for a week'. I answered 'No, I want to be in .... by myself'. She answered 'suit yourself, I will to go .... with Emily'. A few weeks past and she messaged: 'When are you going? I insist you take me with you for a week'. My answer was 'I don't want you there. I shall go on my own'.