My friend self-invited herself and got upset when rejected WWYD?

[ORLt]

A good old friend, on hearing I have to go abroad to sort out probate - in all likelihood several trips - (not a relaxed holiday) messaged me and I quote: 'Next time you are going, I am coming for a week'. I answered 'No, I want to be in .... by myself'. She answered 'suit yourself, I will to go .... with Emily'. A few weeks past and she messaged: 'When are you going? I insist you take me with you for a week'. My answer was 'I don't want you there. I shall go on my own'. (Sorting out my late mum's belongings and probate, not in a mood for entertaining guests). She wrote 'that is as rude as **ck.' and then she wrote a few pages on how insensitive and rude I was, how that country had memories for her, which was important to her and how I was rude to many people over the years (we have no friends or contacts in common, she can't verify even if I was). She went on to say I am non-PC and should be pulled up about it. I am in shock - was I supposed to say yes? Is it rude to say no to somebody who self-invites twice?

'I am inviting myself for a week' isn't 'asking politely'.

'When are you going? I insist you take me with you for a week.' Is as rude as fuck.

Jesus.

A real friend would know how hard you have found things and be asking if you wanted them to come along so they could help and support you.

Not for their own needs.

I am sorry for your loss. I have been through similar but I had to sell asap so I was so forced to sort out belongings. I was on my own too and it was horrendous. I would have never spoken to a “friend” again who treated me like this person has treated you.

As a tiny side point, your replies were quite rude. "I don't want you there" is quite a rude thing to say, which could have been phrased to achieve the same effect, without sounding so offensive. You didn't have to go into detail about your mother, but could have said something like "I have personal matters to sort, and need the time alone."

BUT. Oh my god, your "friend". Wtf!!?

She is an absolute idiot. And actually quite nasty. She would not be my friend at all after this. This was in no way about supporting you, and all about her.

Your friend sounds deranged. Has she got form for this, or is it possible she's having some kind of breakdown? I read her message in your most recent update and it isn't the kind of message a healthy person would send. To be honest, I would simply block her - there's no reasoning with someone like this.

Big things like grief or events like a wedding can show you who someone really is, her behavior doesn't surprise me much.

She's absolutely awful, I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole now, forget "reassessing the friendship." Also you need to address your grief with someone you can talk to, that sounds quite difficult.

wow, your "friend" really is an entitled prick!

I can see only two ways fwd...completely ignore (and block). Don't waste any more energy on this person.

Or a short concise message along the lines of - I am grieving for my mother and need time to go through her belongings alone. This is not a holiday for me. Please have some respect and empathy for the difficult situation I am going through.

For me , it would be the first option, easy choice to make. But you know this person IRL. How important is this friendship to you?

She's unhinged. You were blunt, I'd say, but she invited herself twice. Sounds like she's someone who doesn't like hearing 'no' and then is used to dishing out a big dose of emotional blackmail to get her own way.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn

I am glad you said it was rude to phrase it like that, because I genuinely thought I was not rude, as what I really wanted to say was 'I don't want you there. I don't want to babysit you and having to cook and shop for food, sustain conversations about you living there 20 years ago, be a guide and a translator, or go out in the evening'.' I thought that by just saying 'I don't want you there' I was being polite.

Wow, that's a lot of projection!

Narcissists don't take rejection very well. She should feel ashamed of herself, but i doubt she is capable. Try not to let it get to you OP - be pleased the mask has dropped & you've seen her for what she is & block her, she's taken enough of your energy already & she deserves no more.

I hope the trip goes as well as it can.

Wow! She has no sensitivity nor self-reflexivity, does she? So when she accuses you of lacking those traits she describes herself, not you. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this at a stressful time but she really does sound awful and horribly manipulative. Be proud of yourself for remaining strong and assertive. She is acting up because she didn’t get what she wanted, you didn’t bend to her will which would involve turning a highly meaningful and difficult visit for you into an act of convenience for her. I hope somewhere, deep down, she must know how crap and crass her behaviour is and feel some shame but I really doubt it. There’s honestly no way I could consider someone this spiteful and selfish to be a friend on any level. Sending you good thoughts. 💐

Instead of “I don’t want you there”, you could have said “I would rather go on my own” or something like that. You were quite blunt.

She doesn't like being told "No" does she. Glad you stuck to your guns and didn't cave in to her rudeness.

I think there are definitely two sides to this, OP.

You wanting to spend time alone dealing with your mum's house is beyond reasonable. You're under no obligation to offer anyone a cheap vacation, however much the city may mean to them. Your friend should ideally accept and understand that you're still grieving and need the time alone. - And she shouldn't have pushed you, when you had told you once that you wanted to be alone.

However, I do agree that "I don't want you there" is a short and somewhat rude reply. I'm not a native English speaker (and I don't live in the UK, either), so I could also be mistaken. However, I would've probably worded such a message differently. I could suggest something along the lines of, "I can tell going to X city means a lot to you. Unfortunately we can't go together this time, as I'm still having a hard time with my mum's death, and I need to spend this time alone to be able to deal with her house and belongings. I hope you understand."

That said, her message was excessive. If that's what she really thinks of you, I fail to see why she wants to be your friend. Spelling it out like she did is way out of line, and far more rude than anything you said. If that's really what she thinks, she should've pulled away from that friendship a long time ago. Otherwise she owes you one hell of an apology, I agree with that.

And I'm sorry for your loss.

The irony of her banging on about you having been rude when her 500 word rant is way ruder 😂

She sounds like really hard work, OP.

I haven’t read all the replies but wonder if anyone else suspects ‘friend’ would’ve helped herself to some of your late mothers belongings? Is she greedy in addition to extremely rude?

You are absolutely not required to take her btw. So rude and entitled its incredible that she’s dug in and continuing to badger you! I’d write her off for this whole mess if it were me.

Also condolences on your loss, I hope you feel a bit better once her estate/home is closed and done.

@Cantbebotheredwithausername - whay though?

She made herself clear the first time.

The friend is blinded by an opportunity she seems to think she deserves.

This is the thing. No one can be told no x

@Jom222 No, I am sure of it. She is not that sort of person.

OP you’ve done nothing wrong!! Of course you had to be direct with this cheeky fuck, she wasn’t stopping was she? The rude and unreasonable one is HER! You have done nothing wrong I promise!! Drop this weirdo from your life. I hope your trip goes ok!! Please ignore posters acting like you ar being rude when you aren’t!

Which is how you HAVE to be with rude cheeky fuckers who continue to push. She made it clear this ‘friend’ wasn’t wanted on the trip. Stop acting like Op did anything wrong here. She didn’t.

I think you reply: thank you, it is very clear from your reply that you are not the person to accompany someone to sort out their dead mother’s things. I would not be visiting the city with you even if you came as I will be sorting out my mums things. This will be an enormously emotional and difficult task for me, and you don’t show any realisation of that.

She can absolutely FUCK OFF. I live abroad and the amount of people who say ‘oh I’d love to come to England with you….’ When they REALLY mean, they would love to have a trip partly funded by me! Pretty sure Heathrow is open daily and they can go with or without me. It’s also not my job to be a tour guide or provide accommodation to anyone. Let alone the fact you’re going for the reasons you are! This woman is a nasty horrible piece of work and I’d block her immediately. How dare she bring up your child? Her message is unhinged. She’s a user!! She could go to your home country any time and yet hasn’t…

This person is fucking insane.

I agree, and it's not the approach I would use, but this is the kind of person who won't take a polite no for an answer. She won't even take a rude no for an answer!

I admire your bluntness and looking out for yourself in this time of grieving @ORLt. If more people answered the way you did, we'd have a lot less CF threads on AIBU.

I guess in the early part of the conversation, she was imposing and said "I'm coming" and your direct reply "I don't want you there" seemed rude at that point. I don't want you there suggests "I don't want you around me" and comes across as because you don't like them, because no other context is given.

Bit like if I said to you "It's my birthday on Friday" and you said "I'll pop over about 7" and I replied solely "I don't want you there". You'd be put out. Even if I had every good reason not to want you there, that's quite a cutting thing to say to a friend without context.

But... This is kind of irrelevant because her behaviour following that is absolutely appalling. This is no friend. She sounds like she has been building resentment against you and just shown her true colours. You don't need people like that in your life.