My friend self-invited herself and got upset when rejected WWYD?

[ORLt]

A good old friend, on hearing I have to go abroad to sort out probate - in all likelihood several trips - (not a relaxed holiday) messaged me and I quote: 'Next time you are going, I am coming for a week'. I answered 'No, I want to be in .... by myself'. She answered 'suit yourself, I will to go .... with Emily'. A few weeks past and she messaged: 'When are you going? I insist you take me with you for a week'. My answer was 'I don't want you there. I shall go on my own'. (Sorting out my late mum's belongings and probate, not in a mood for entertaining guests). She wrote 'that is as rude as **ck.' and then she wrote a few pages on how insensitive and rude I was, how that country had memories for her, which was important to her and how I was rude to many people over the years (we have no friends or contacts in common, she can't verify even if I was). She went on to say I am non-PC and should be pulled up about it. I am in shock - was I supposed to say yes? Is it rude to say no to somebody who self-invites twice?

Good lord OP she's an absolute arse. Just tell her to get lost!

"I am so sorry I am not sufficiently PC for you. I will work at it in my own time and I'll let you know when I am an A1 perfect PC-er and we can resume our friendship then. I would hate to offend you so please don't contact me in the meantime".

She is outrageous and wants a cheap holiday. Cheeky fuckers like her get away with it because no one challenges them. You did well maintaining your boundaries, especially at a vulnerable time. Your grief is fresh despite the time passing because like you said, you've pretended your DM was alive because you live abroad.

Your friend is being rude and insensitive. You are going to sort out your mums estate. It is not a holiday. She shouldn't be inviting herself to scything but this is callous. She's a terrible friend.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn
Posters like you fascinate me, you've just made up a completely different scenario from the OP's post. What do you know about this situation that you can lie and fabricate a story that has fuck all to do with the original opening post.

Your friend... is a narcassistic arse! Not only is it all about her, but she can't stand that she's not at the centre of things.
She has zero diplomacy, nor compassion.
Pull the plug on her!

In your position, I'd give here a piece of my mind, but it would make here worse. The best thing you can do with a narcassist is blank them and ignore them.

Sorry for typo/autocorrect. Should read, Don't do this.

In fact, every single suggested response is awful. You have nothing to gain from engaging with the holiday seeker. And it's never cool.to send snippy, passive aggressive texts. If you need to respond, be truthful. Say wow, your messages are extremely offensive. I don't want any more contact with you.

A good friend may have offered to come with you in case you needed support, and not presented it as a jolly. If they misread it they would have graciously backed down.

She has now made this about her discomfort in reading the room wrong rather than you doing anything you shouldn't have.

Feel free to briefly spell out "I am going to X to sort out my mum's probate issues following bereavement only 2 years ago. This isn't a holiday. I'm not interested in your character critique. I just want to get through this hard time. Take care".

I don't think that you were rude Op.

She knows why you are going & it's perfectly understandable/acceptable to want to go alone.

'I don't want you there. I shall go on my own'. I don't even think that this is rude in reply to her insisting that she goes with you.

I'd cut this one loose OP. If you don't have people in common it won't be too awkward.

I suspect that even if you had explained your reasoning for not wanting her to come she would have just kept finding arguments against whatever you said.

I assume that she knew the purpose of your journey? If so, she's incredibly rude and pushy and insensitive. If she thought it was a holiday, she was still rude and very pushy, but I could understand how she might have thought you were personally rebuffing her. Not an excuse for the extreme reaction, though.

And WTF are all these accusations about rudeness to other people, when you don't even have friends in common?

Does she drink or take drugs? Or does she have a history of delusions?

She said 'sorry for your loss' when mum died 2 years ago, she probably thinks it is all over now for me.

If she thinks that, she knows nothing about bereavement. She is the one who was rude and insensitive. Don't discuss the topic anymore. Or better yet, block her and move on.

You honestly do not have to explain yourself to her. This is not a “road trip” or freebie for mates. It’s a very upsetting and reflective time in your life , coming to terms with your mothers death.
I would say exactly this to her. Then block her and move on.

Please ignore her. You've done nothing wrong at all. She's very rude to demand to know the date you fly. She clearly wants one last free holiday, using your mum's place before you sell up.

If you look back I think you will see other occasions when she has acted in a self interest selfish way.
Her behaviour in this is appalling, how dare she start problems over this because she wants a holiday and a catch up with the area.
Shes a user that you need to get out of your life on a permanent basis.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn someone with good intentions that are not self-serving does not follow up with pages of personal attack when they don’t get the outcome they want.

You don't find out what people are really like till you say NO to them.

I wouldn't bother reading her essay, let alone take the time to reply to it.

Stop engaging with her, she's a dickhead.

Even if it was a holiday and the house was a holiday home, she'd still have no rights to invite herself on your holiday then get offended when told no. Decent friends don't invite themselves to things or drop heavy hints or get grumpy when those hints are ignored.

She's a user not a friend and is trying to bully you into changing your mind and doing what she wants you to do. Fuck her off out of your life for good.

You don't need to explain your reasoning to her for this solo trip. Friends don't expect you to justify yourself at every step. You're going abroad, you haven't invited her, that's literally all the information she needs on the subject.

She is a user not a friend, and sounds very manipulative.

I don’t think you were in the slightest bit rude or abrupt, you said no and she should have accepted that - you did nothing wrong.

Sorry for your loss and I can relate to the stuff you still have to do, it took me 2 years to get my mothers house cleared and ready for sale, it’s a big task and very emotional.

Be kind to yourself and don’t give this ‘friend’ any more time or headspace X

This woman is sucking the life out of you. This situation isn't something you should be thinking about while dealing with grief. All she has done is make demands and criticize you while refusing to accept "no". This woman isn't your friend, she is just an emotional vampire and seems to think sending you pages of criticism is appropriate. I see no advantage for you in this connection, which isn't a friendship as far as I can see. If you are gaining nothing it is not in fact a friendship which should be RECIPROCAL.
Just reach out to caring people who you enjoy being with and you share a good sense of humor with and would never treat you like this.
I don't see why you owe anyone who would treat you this way and explanation. I would just block and move on, she seems to have burnt the bridges connecting you down herself.

"Hi Friend,
You are a nutter"

and block

OP, drop this friend like a hot potato and concentrate on dealing with your grief and sorting out your mother's estate. You need support, not drama.

'I don't want you,' is rude but it seems to be the second response, when patience is wearing thin. 'Friend' is very rude to invite herself on such a trip.

A really similar thing happened to my mum when my gran died. After her funeral (mum and I had nursed gran and organized everything despite her having siblings to put things into context), she booked two days away with her dog in the (very rural) place where my grandad was from when I returned to work. Her friend self invited to come for company, and drive.
when they got there, this ‘friend’ announced that they would not be touring, literally just staying in the cabin reading, or walking in the local area for up to 30 mins. It was so so awful. I was working overseas or I would have driven to pick them up.