White women, please be honest about this

[Lightsmother]

I’m a South Asian woman and genuinely feel white women are unable to fully connect with me in the same way they are with other white women. I don’t feel a genuine solidarity or sisterhood coming from them, regardless of how hard I try or attempt to fit in with their norms.

When you meet a non-white woman, do you really see through her race?

From school to university and now parenthood, it’s a difficult experience and I am constantly considering how each meeting and interaction would go if I were white.

Yes I have lots of non-white female friends. I see friendship all about if the person is friendly, we have common interests etc nothing else.

I don't think for me it's skin colour but if a person came from a different culture there would be things I'd be less able to relate to. Even though I'm white most of my family are from a different European country so there are some white British norms that I don't see as normal.

I like people, I'm interested in other people. I'm irritatingly friendly! I'll make friends with anyone.

I've had and have extremely deep, loving friendships with women who aren't white. I wish you luck in making friends, it can be hard especially when you are questioning yourself x

I have non-white female friends and feel as close to them as to my white friends.

However if I’m honest I’m not very close to anybody who grew up in a very different culture. You mention trying to fit in with white peoples norms - did you grow up in the country you’re now in? If so, were your family very integrated or pretty separate? I just wonder if it’s more about culture, rather than about skin colour.

Perhaps the issue is really how you think of not being white, in a country with a majority-white host community? If you approach each new situation thinking 'the white women won't like me', you're going to interpret their behaviour as dislike, even if that isn't what they're feeling. Are you looking for a 'sisterhood' where none exists? I find most solidarity with people who share my interests - those who like the same music, for example. What is it you want from white women, specifically? Give us a few clues, we might be able to improve things.

I'm sorry you have experienced this. I have no answers other than just be you.

I just see people. I don't feel less close to my friends who are 'non white' than I do the others.

They've never said anything about non feeling equally included back.

I will ask though and if there's anything I can do I will. I'd hate them to feel like you do

I occasionally feel a slight anxiety about whether I'm doing something wrong- asking questions or not asking questions for example. Both can be perceived as racist/insensitive/othering.

I don't think for me it's skin colour but if a person came from a different culture there would be things I'd be less able to relate to
This^

I am a white woman living in the UK, but come from a different continent and I've never been able to make friends with British women the way I'd hoped. In fact, the 2 main friends I have are both from other countries (one isn't white, if that helps, the other is).

My best friend is Sri Lankan and we are very close but there are aspects of our culture that will always be different.
For example. I have worked abroad but always want to move home, whereas she is totally happy to transplant herself and not give it another thought.

It's cultural but shouldn't prevent a connection.Maybe you are over complicating things. Just enjoy your differences.

I don't see skin colour, maybe that's helped by the fact that my DH isn't Caucasian. I have friends who aren't white and friends who are.

My best friend is white but my oldest friend is not.

Culture, I think, makes a huge difference - I.e. I find it more difficult (not impossible) to befriend someone who has grown up in a very strict or religious culture than someone who hasn't. I prefer people who are straight talking, 'call a spade a spade' types and you, in my experience, find that with many people who have grown up with a heavy religious upbringing. I like to be able to swear / rant when needed, someone who is on my wavelength regarding frustrations etc and that's sometimes difficult with people from other cultures.

In short - I don't care what your skin colour or background is - if we get on, we get on. If we don't, we don't. But that isn't influenced by how you look.

I wouldn't say I 'see through' people's race. Your race is part of you. I'm white, husband is Asian and obviously our races/cultures affect us and our relationship. Sometimes in a good way - lots of things to talk about and new things to discover, but it can also be in a bad way - hard to understand each other, not understanding small nuances.

It's the same with friendships. It's probably easier on a surface level for me to befriend someone British because I can read them more easily and relate to them. But I would never not talk to someone because of their race.

Also, let's face it, a lot of people are racist, so I can understand why someone from an Asian background might be wary of white people if they've had a lot of bad experiences. That might make it harder to make close friendships.

I would be concerned that I might say or do something that was taken the wrong way so I would talk to you and be friendly, but I don’t think I’d consider being friends.
You have to be so careful these days that you are not accused of being something you’re not, due to a simple misunderstanding.

"I am a white woman living in the UK, but come from a different continent and I've never been able to make friends with British women the way I'd hoped"

What do you think prevents friendships forming? (In a genuine way, not trying to be arsey)

I'm white and lived in south East Asian and it was incredibly hard to make friends with Asian women, I did make great friends eventually with my work colleagues, but found myself more comfortable with the expat community.

I don't think it's anything to do with skin colour, I think its culture.

I spent lots of time with the expat community we were from around the globe so Americans, Australian, Europeans, South Africans all different skin colours but we had more in common, we had similar sense of humour and life experiences and I think from my experience maybe the drinking culture enabled us to bond in wine bars and pubs, when our Asian friends would sometimes join in but rarely as they were so more family focused.

I think it's hard whatever colour your skin just simply being in a different country as I'm assuming you weren't born in the UK?

If you were then I so sorry you feel this way, it's also hard for white women to get on if you read Mumsnet the amount of school run stories and awful back stabbing.

I'm not sure it my post helps at all just sharing experience, as you can't obviously change your culture but maybe be prepared for knock backs and try not to take them personally, as I'm sure they aren't, also don't feel pressure to change!

I think maybe you’re focusing on this a little too much. I find it interesting meeting all people irrespective of if they match my skin colour, maybe it’s because I’m curious (nosey) but I like learning about the different cultures etc. I don’t feel a sisterhood or connection with solely white women, and I don’t automatically like all (white) women.
I don’t know why you struggle with this, but I hope it gets better. You should be yourself, you can be interesting to others because of your different upbringing and culture. Your skin colour really isn’t the issue, possibly you’ve not met the right people for you to connect with.

some of your anxiety may be coming from this "trying to fit in" that you mentioned - which in my experience is unproductive. my experience may not be very relevant to you as I am on the autism spectrum and I have tremendous difficulty making connections generally - and I am sure if I was mainly trying to make connections with people of a different culture or skin colour I might attribute some of that difficulty to that difference but I experience the same difficulties in any scenario even if there's no obvious characteristic difference. but I do sometimes succeed and do have friends. it works best when I don't "try to fit in" but instead have the confidence to be myself and not mind if someone thinks I am weird. some people are shallow and only make connections with people like them, but lots and lots of people prefer to make connections with a huge variety of people of all sorts but might be put off by the phoneyism of someone "trying to fit in"

I come from a highly racist society. When I meet people I see colour and I am highly aware of my colour. I don't hold racist beliefs but the colour of our skin effects our life experiences. It's important to me to remember this.

I am white but a child immigrant to the UK, and if I am honest, I have often made friends with people from a similar background to me ie, also immigrants (regardless of skin colour or where they moved from) as I generally find we have a bit more in common culturally.

Equally, jn the culture we all live in, everyone has a layer of unconscious racism that you have to work hard to be conscious of, and not everyone is interested in doing the work.

Aren't you generalising a bit about white women? I honestly don't care what colour someone is - I lived abroad as a kid and that influenced my perceptions of other colours and cultures. My father's side of the family is very racially mixed (my favourite relative on that side was very brown). You wouldn't know any of that if you just looked at me.

And the upshot is that I don't care what colour someone is. I just care if they're kind and we get one.

@mellowgreenspring I’m British, was born here.

I have both white and non white friends. I’m good friends with the white English girls (now women of course) I met in Year 7 at school, but as I grow older and reflect on how I was othered by even them as a child, I wonder how genuine our relationship is now.

As for culture, this is interesting territory to explore and perhaps it does centre on perspective. While I feel mostly British, I feel white Britons are more closed off to me than some white Europeans.

*get on

I think it's culture rather than colour. I have friends and acquaintances from many backgrounds. I do struggle to relate to deeply religious people, of whatever religion, if they keep bringing it into the conversation.

And to everyone saying maybe it’s you, my aim was to open a conversation, not throw shade. I would appreciate if that was respected on this thread.