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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Hand holding please - About to throw my whole life overboard.

254 replies

MissGarth · 24/09/2013 13:23

Tonight me and DH are leaving an organisation that is basically our whole life- all our friends are there, we spend all our free time there, we use our gifts in a voluntary capacity there and the long term plan was that the organisation would be our employer, in a field we have wanted to work in all our lives.

And now we are leaving.

Can't say more about the organisation until we have told them.

I feel so sick and so frightened.

We have no doubt we will be cut off from all our friends and never hear from anyone again. It is going to be very lonely. There are lots of people there we genuinely love.

I'm also frightened about what they will say about us when we leave. We know of other people who have left and they all seem to have left after extremely poor/ shockingly bad behaviour...which we now realise, of course, is crap.

Thank God for DH.

OP posts:
Oceansurf · 24/09/2013 13:24

Why are you leaving?

SavoyCabbage · 24/09/2013 13:27

Yes why are you leaving?

I suppose you will have to start again. I emigrated to a place I knew nobody and had to build a life from scratch.

Original poster
MissGarth · 24/09/2013 13:28

All is not as it seems there. We found out some stuff that we can't unlearn. We want to ignore it for our own selfish reasons but we can't. Part of it is financial skulduggery and part of it is a child protection issue. Can't really go into details.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissGarth · 24/09/2013 13:29

How did you do it, Savoy? (built from scratch, I mean)
Are you happy? How long did it take?

OP posts:
flyingwidow · 24/09/2013 13:29

Oh dear. I hope that you manage to get 'out' without repercussion. I hope you can find the strength to report any wrong doings if they are actually illegal.

Sparklysilversequins · 24/09/2013 13:31

Is it a church?

flyingwidow · 24/09/2013 13:31

And of course you can rebuild your social circles... People who emigrate do it all the time. New hobbies will lead to new friends. Be positive. This will be to your overall benefit and betterment.

MummyBeerest · 24/09/2013 13:32

As hard as it is, it sounds as though you're doing the right thing. No doubt everything will eventually come out and you'll be grateful you left when you did.

But if there is a child protection issue, you will have to go to authorities. Soon.

SavoyCabbage · 24/09/2013 13:34

Are you reporting these things?

You just work at it. Talk to anyone. Go anywhere. Join things. I've got more friends here than I had before because I had to put the effort in to make friends. There are lots of lovely people in the world. I'm quite odd and I still found real genuine friends with things in common with me.

Idespair · 24/09/2013 13:35

JW?
In any case, if your friends cut you off, they were never true friends. Sounds like you are doing the right thing so go ahead and do it.

deXavia · 24/09/2013 13:36

My BiL did similar from a religious organization that his whole family was connected to - he was completely cut off, even the livelihood he had trained for. I have nothing but utter respect for him and how he rebuilt his life from early twenties to now.
Just remember that even when you know its the right decision, you will grieve for what you thought was your future. That's OK - doesn't mean you made the wrong decision or that you should go back as you miss it too much. There are a lot of support groups out there esp on the internet - maybe not quite the same organization but maybe similar enough to provide you some comfort.
Good luck

HollaAtMeBaby · 24/09/2013 13:37

Is it a cult? If so, there are support groups for people who have left... have a Google :)

BeckAndCall · 24/09/2013 13:37

This sounds like a very brave decision for you and your DH MissGarth and you've clearly thought it through long and hard and searched for strength from each other.

Obviously you don't want to give away any details right now - so don't answer any questions that you don't want to on here.

But hold onto each other - you're together in this. Your life is about to move in a different direction , you just don't know what that is yet. But you're together and keep hold of the knowledge that you made this decision for a reason and those reasons won't have disappeared if you aRe persuaded to stay.

Very best of luck in this .

Original poster
MissGarth · 24/09/2013 13:37

Sparkly, would prefer not to narrow down what sort of thing it is until we have spoken to them.

Widow and Beerest, have done the authorities bit already but I don't know if/when they will act. Its not harm being done but a person who poses a risk of harm iyswim. Can't pretend it is OK with me any longer though.

OP posts:
leylandii · 24/09/2013 13:40

This has simply got to be some sort of 'religion' based lifestyle?

leylandii · 24/09/2013 13:41

If there are things going on that you feel uncomfotable with, then you are doing exactly the right thing OP. Good luck.

SavoyCabbage · 24/09/2013 13:43

It sounds like its all been very difficult and it also sounds like you and your dh are doing the right thing.

When the dust has settled, be proactive about doing new things and meeting new people.

MummyBeerest · 24/09/2013 13:44

You sound like a good judge of character. Keep this trait and meeting new people will be seamless.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 24/09/2013 13:49

Change the way you think about it. You aren't throwing your life overboard (which sounds so negative), you are taking a very principled step (hope that's the right phrase!). You feel so strongly about something that you are making a massive change in your life because you simply can't ignore something that is morally and legally wrong.

I think that's a decision to be proud of.

If people want to think badly of you for that - then thank god you don't have to have them in your life any more is all I can say. Because who would want friends who can be horrible about you because you choose to act on a child protection issue?

I've moved to the other end of the country. My husband moved continents! You settle down, meet new people, put down roots. It'll be fine. Far better than staying in what sounds very 'cult' like, knowing that unacceptable things are happening but lacking the courage to act.

Original poster
MissGarth · 24/09/2013 13:49

I find the emigrating analogy really helpful, thanks.

MummyBeerest, the problem is we must be terrible, terrible judges of character to have been taken in so utterly.

OP posts:
ILoveMakeUp · 24/09/2013 13:51

How exciting for you both! A brand new start! And well done - it can't be easy for you.

ILoveMakeUp · 24/09/2013 13:53

MissGarth, is there a chance that they might make you change your minds? Do you need some support?

Original poster
MissGarth · 24/09/2013 13:54

This is why I love MN, I posted thinking no-one could help...now I just sent DH a text telling him we are emigrating in a non-physical sense Smile

Thanks

I've got to go now but will report back tonight when its done (though will be late). Please send out brave vibes to me

OP posts:
adagio · 24/09/2013 13:54

You will be fine, you have each other.

New friends can be found all over the place if you actually look, which so many people don't (muddling by with the ones who have always been around, rather than putting effort in). I have met some truly fantastic people.

Join some groups, learn a new skill (I mean like dancing or other evening classes), if you don't like it, stop, but at least try first.

One word of caution, much as you love your DH, in due course when the dust settles try to also do some things on your own - nothing major, a pilates or yoga class or something- so long as you enjoy it. I fell into only doing things with (now) DH when I was much younger and only really broke away from that when I started to travel a lot with work. I was really surprised that people actually seemed to like me and respect me for me not just half of him, IYSWIM.

I don't have many regrets on the whole, but part of me wishes I had maintained a bit of independence.

Good luck, it sounds like you are doing the right thing
Flowers

sisterofmercy · 24/09/2013 13:57

Whether it's a cultish religious community or something else, they all tend to operate on similar lines. You should not be ashamed for being deceived. I have known a few people who have left closed communities for a variety of reasons and gone on to make very worthwhile and content lives for themselves in their new open communities.

You will always have love in your heart for those that deserve it so even if you cannot see them again they are there with you in spirit.

You will meet new people to love too and your lives will be the richer for it.

I am sure you know but there are support organisations and charities out there that will be able to help you with a variety of issues. Good luck.