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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Hand holding please - About to throw my whole life overboard.

254 replies

MissGarth · 24/09/2013 13:23

Tonight me and DH are leaving an organisation that is basically our whole life- all our friends are there, we spend all our free time there, we use our gifts in a voluntary capacity there and the long term plan was that the organisation would be our employer, in a field we have wanted to work in all our lives.

And now we are leaving.

Can't say more about the organisation until we have told them.

I feel so sick and so frightened.

We have no doubt we will be cut off from all our friends and never hear from anyone again. It is going to be very lonely. There are lots of people there we genuinely love.

I'm also frightened about what they will say about us when we leave. We know of other people who have left and they all seem to have left after extremely poor/ shockingly bad behaviour...which we now realise, of course, is crap.

Thank God for DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissGarth · 30/09/2013 12:38

Oh all the crochet offers are so nice, thank you all, but I'm in London(ish). Smile.

OP posts:
elfycat · 30/09/2013 13:10

Maybe look up 'Stitch and Bitch' London group. I used to go about 5 years ago before I moved to the Midlands (then south coast and now Suffolk. It was a busy few years). A really nice group who will be more than happy to teach you. They generally met at large coffee shops/ National theatre etc. weekly.

Also look up craft shops, they often have classes or social . I've yet to meet someone who crafts in public/groups who isn't happy to put their project down and help.

BillyBanter · 30/09/2013 16:19

Very telling, and comforting hopefully.

I hope you feel some relief, even if it is tinged with worry about reactions.

ReginaldBlinker · 30/09/2013 16:29

delurking to offer my crochet knowledge... OP, I'm in London, happy to meet up in a coffee shop or something and share what I know (admittedly, not much, but can make beanies, slippers, and beer coozies, so it's something!)

VioletHunter · 30/09/2013 19:57

How are you MissG? Hope you and DH are doing ok.

BillyBanter · 30/09/2013 20:14

There are some WI groups in London now and you might also like to try www.meetup.com/find/ for both of you. A good chance to try new things and meet new people.

Also try your local council for local volunteering opportunities. There are lots of things you can do like being a meeter and greet at a hospital or helping people with English or taking pensioners out to social events.

Original poster
MissGarth · 01/10/2013 08:01

Reginald, that is so kind, thank you Thanks Thanks

Billy, a fellow dog walker I only really know to say hello to invited me to join the ukulele band she is setting up last night Smile, which I think sounds hilarious. She is doing it because she said it is impossible to play one without smiling...

Dh and I are ok, quite tearful, which sounds pathetic I know.

This morning I got up to find an email from a shop saying this thing I had ordered online was back in stock and was being dispatched. They were Christmas presents for a couple of the children we know there who I very much doubt will ever get them now.

It is hard to get your head around not seeing so many people that you really love.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 01/10/2013 08:09

Poor you - but also 'lucky you' :)

Do you want to tell us more about it now that you have handed over the keys and your 'resignation' email has been sent?

ReginaldBlinker · 01/10/2013 08:29

No problem. Hope it all gets better soon x

If you do want to meet up, just PM me anytime!

CakesAreNotTheAnswer · 01/10/2013 09:13

Do you think, if you send the presents, that they will be withheld from the children in question?

Original poster
MissGarth · 01/10/2013 10:40

Cakes- I think they might well be withheld, it is very much you are with us or against us kind of atmosphere...it is hard to explain...that is the exact opposite of what they say which is that it is their job to welcome everyone, never to give up on anyone etc...but after a while you realise they do the opposite of what they say and it messes with your thinking.

For example with the for you or against you thing -one person who left also did some volunteer work for a charity that my organisation supported financially with donations. The person in charge wrote to the charity telling them that the leaver had been disloyal to our organisation and as such they were not prepared to work with them, so they could either keep their volunteer, and our organisation would cut ties with them (and ask for our donations back), or get rid of the volunteer and keep our organisation and our funding...

On another thread I was reading this morning the OP was directed to a site where they could do the freedom program online.

I have often thought that I ought to do it...there is a clear link in my head between an extremely abusive and violent relationship I had a few years prior to meeting DH and our relationship with this pastor, although I can't really verbalise it very well, it was sort of idolising him and finding it impossible to get my head round the difference between what he was saying and doing, so thinking it must be my fault somehow. I can't really explain it any better. Anyway, I have enrolled on the freedom program this morning so that might help me get a better understanding of all this.

OP posts:
passedgo · 02/10/2013 07:54

I guess you understand now why I recommended the book. There is very little difference between the two abusive relationships, they are based on a narcicism. It helps to understand narcissistic personality disorder, knowing that it isn't personal, that you could have been anyone.

I don't know much about sects (not sure what the correct definition is), but I always find it surprising how much power some people can gain over others.

Jinsei · 02/10/2013 10:30

Best of luck to you, OP - you may doubt your decision over the coming weeks, but you have definitely done the right thing! I hope you enjoy building a new life for yourself. :)

Original poster
MissGarth · 02/10/2013 19:12

Hi Passedgo, yes I understand now, thanks. I have also been watching YouTube videos on Narcissism.

Hi Jinsie, thanks for your good wishes. I do doubt my decision today i.e. part of my wishes I hadn't done it....but I do know in my heart I've done the right thing.

We got a bit of a stinker of an email today from one of the lesser-ups, (presumably the higher ups aren't bothering!) quoting bits of the bible at length and suggesting we should read them....as if we haven't!!

The main emphasis seemed to be all that all of us sin and fall short of the glory of God, and let he who has not sinned cast the first stone. We really aren't judgemental people, we know that we are sinners and it is not up to us to sit in judgement on anyone else.

We aren't judging this person for what he has done, but because what he has done has led to a ban on contact with children, letting him take them for days out on church trips seems to us like dangerous madness, however many times they claim they didn't really do it, was all a misunderstanding etc.

It also had a lot of weird stuff in it like how God can give us freedom from confusion and strife in our lives if we stop struggling and let him... which I don't really understand....I am tempted to reply saying 'well, i feel a whole lot less confused now i'm not listening to x all the time' but obviously I won't do that.

We have known these people a while... It sticks in the throat a bit that this is their reply. Ah well, we knew it would be coming...

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 02/10/2013 20:38

Stay strong, I am sure you are now on a much better path.

Have you reported him to the police yet?

Original poster
MissGarth · 02/10/2013 20:52

Thanks Chipping
Not told police as he hasn't actually done anything yet,have told local safeguarding team for the area who apparently are the right people to contact in this situation (was given professional advice about this).

OP posts:
AntoinetteCosway · 03/10/2013 00:11

Are you the OP? Bit confused but if so and that's a name change mistake you might want to ask HQ to change it? Sorry to butt in, just don't want anyone recognising your username or anything if it would get you into any trouble.

passedgo · 03/10/2013 00:23

what he has done has led to a ban on contact with children

If there is a ban on him contacting children you should do everything you can to ensure that no children are allowed near him. This is your duty, not just the right thing, it's expected of you legally. Someone upthread explained more about this.

This is the kind of thing that makes me want to take the Lord's name in serious **ing vain.

Monty27 · 03/10/2013 00:43

Best of luck in your new home OP Wink

If you can't trust a country, leave it. Iyswim. :)

Original poster
MissGarth · 03/10/2013 07:03

Antoinette- Yes!
Thanks for telling me, have asked for it to be done.

OP posts:
MudCity · 03/10/2013 07:41

You brave people you. I have just read your posts and you come across as such lovely people.

Do ignore anything nasty that may be said about you by your former associates. They have to say those things to retain their power and authority over others, all very negative. People who say those things are not your friends and anyone who believes them is too scared to think for themselves. You must be true to yourselves, accountable to yourselves. You know what is right in your heart. Follow that and don't let anything get in the way.

God will heap his blessings on you! Never worry about that.

Very good luck to you both. You have a very exciting future ahead. And, yes, it may feel strange and lonely at times especially in these early days...you have lost something that was a family to you. You will grieve for that. However, this is a chance for you to create the future you want and be true to yourselves.

Anything that creates fear in you is not good for you. You are doing the right thing for you. Have faith. Be happy.

MrsHoratioNelson · 03/10/2013 07:54

OP I didn't want to lurk and not offer my support. Why you're doing takes (and will continue I take) enormous strength and you have already been Hugely Bebe by doing the right thing and standing on your principles.

I am sure that in time you will feel massively relieved about having "escaped" and you will feel a hundred times lighter as a result. Best of luck.

MrsHoratioNelson · 03/10/2013 07:55

Oh dear.

what you're doing.

hugely brave not Hugely Bebe Hmm

Jammyforeigner · 03/10/2013 07:56

From some of the words you use I have gathered exactly which organisation you're referring to.

I also left when I was 16. It was the best thing I did but i lost everything i ever cared about. It opened my eyes to how wrong their teachings and attitudes were. How hypocritical some of the leaders were. Unfortunately my mum still attends and plays an active role. But in doing so she refuses to have any real relationship with my brothers and I because we're not in the truth. It's very sad for her grand children but her loss completely.

MudCity · 03/10/2013 08:00

Agree with Horatio.

What you are going through is akin to leaving an abusive relationship. You love them, they are your friends, you thought they were your future. How horrendously upsetting that it hasn't turned out the way you hoped...that they aren't the people you thought they were.

Believe me, you will look back on this in years to come and KNOW you did the right thing. Even if, right now, your world feels wobbly.

Things won't be wobbly forever.