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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Hand holding please - About to throw my whole life overboard.

254 replies

MissGarth · 24/09/2013 13:23

Tonight me and DH are leaving an organisation that is basically our whole life- all our friends are there, we spend all our free time there, we use our gifts in a voluntary capacity there and the long term plan was that the organisation would be our employer, in a field we have wanted to work in all our lives.

And now we are leaving.

Can't say more about the organisation until we have told them.

I feel so sick and so frightened.

We have no doubt we will be cut off from all our friends and never hear from anyone again. It is going to be very lonely. There are lots of people there we genuinely love.

I'm also frightened about what they will say about us when we leave. We know of other people who have left and they all seem to have left after extremely poor/ shockingly bad behaviour...which we now realise, of course, is crap.

Thank God for DH.

OP posts:
YoungBritishPissArtist · 28/09/2013 21:33

There may well be other people in the organisation who are feeling the same as you. You and your DH leaving could give them the courage to leave too.

Good luck! I think you're incredibly brave.

Original poster
MissGarth · 29/09/2013 17:36

Thanks everyone for the good wishes.

I'm sitting here really worried about it all.

The saga slightly continues...

We went last night but the people we were delivering things to (including keys to the building etc) forgot and were out, so we came back here with everything.

We can't really resign until we have dropped these things off (bit hard to explain as lots of reasons to do with the service we do, but one of them is that the organisation rents space from a place who only gave us one set of keys that you can't copy so we are the only people who have keys to let the organisation in etc)

So the new plan was to go today, open up so everyone could get in, leave them the keys and get out of there which I think is behaving responsibly.

And then email the letter out to the person responsible (and post it recorded tomorrow to their office)

But DH then decided that we could not possibly just turn up today, open up and leave as this person's children would be present so he didn't want to upset them.

So he decided we should go, open up, stay throughout the meeting and then at the end hand in the keys once the children were in the car...

I refused to go. I don't want to upset anyone's children but at the same time I can't sit there through four hours pretending I'm on board and then announce I'm leaving at the end.

And now I'm really worried I did the wrong thing as what if they accuse DH of something??

I made him promise he would not be the last person there, and not to say he was leaving for good, just that he wouldn't be around next week so could someone else take the keys to open up etc, but I'm worried that anything could be said afterwards. This person is not going to tell anyone who asks why we have left the truth, so presumably he will make up a lie about us, probably saying he had to kick us out for doing x, y or z, and now I think we've just made it a lot easier for him.

DH won't be back till 9:30-or 10:00ish, so I have to wait for him to come home... really wish we just left them locked out for the evening or sent the keys in a taxi or something but I didn't think of that in time.

OP posts:
lisad123everybodydancenow · 29/09/2013 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duchesse · 29/09/2013 18:24

Sounds like you are doing the right thing OP, and your life is far from ruined! As everyone else has said you have DH and your dignity intact- with those you can face anything.

Does your DH have any opportunity to leave during the thing this evening? Could he just sneak out leaving the keys behind? Can you text him to just leave? Or does he absolutely want to make a stand and explain that you're leaving? (which I can understand totally and might well help others make their own decisions about whether this organisation is a good thing or not)

Original poster
MissGarth · 29/09/2013 18:33

Thanks Duchesse,

He doesn't want to make a stand publicly tonight, his big thing is that he does not want to cause any upset to this persons children or cause them to think poorly of their father, hence not disappearing during the service or saying anything. He is planning just to leave as normal tonight, but I have a horrible feeling that isn't going to happen.

The head person has got a very good antenna is extremely manipulative and I think the fact that I'm not there plus we had tried to leave the keys with someone else yesterday plus my DH handing them over tonight for someone else to use next week will equal him smelling a rat and knowing something is going on.

OP posts:
duchesse · 29/09/2013 18:39

I think you need to think about DH and your immediate family and focus on keeping you all safe. Can you get a text to DH and suggest he look like he's going to the loo, but just leave? I cannot think why your Dh sneaking out would in any way upset anybody's children, but of course I do not know anything about the particularities of this set-up. Unless the children in question are ridiculously over-protected?

BettyBotter · 29/09/2013 18:43

Wishing you and your dh all the best Miss Garth. Thanks

Sounds like you are both very brave and good people,so thank you from all of us out here in the rest of the word for standing up against something wrong, despite it making life rough for you both personally. That's proper courage.

As for worrying about dh tonight, remember it actually doesn't matter what they say about you and dh. You are no longer going to be part of their thing. So let them bad mouth you. Let them spread their nasty rumours. It doesn't matter.

And the fact that you are taking this stand may just mean that somebody else in the group will open their eyes a little bit and realise that they are also brave enough to take a stand.

Original poster
MissGarth · 29/09/2013 20:29

Thanks Betty.

Dh Just rang, he is on the way home now, he left early.

I'm really upset with him as he is now saying 'are we doing the right thing', 'there is a way of being loyal and this isn't it' etc etc...and then said 'but if you want to send the email send it' so he is putting it all on me which is just not fair.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 29/09/2013 20:36

This is obviously a difficult thing for both of you and I guess this person has been all charming, especially if he suspects something.

BillyBanter · 29/09/2013 20:38

However you do this, this main person is going to show you the same loyalty he's shown everyone else who has left, ie none. You are not owe him an ounce of loyalty.

RandomMess · 29/09/2013 20:39

Usually any sort of organisation like this you do need to formally resign so yes you need to email/send a letter. It sounds as though you need to close the door on them. Being disloyal would be speaking to everyone else and spreading "rumours"

BettyBotter · 29/09/2013 20:46

Did dh hand in the letter and keys or did he bottle it?

Send the email.

Herisson · 29/09/2013 20:55

Good luck, MissGarth. Have read the whole thread and you sound very brave and sensible. I hope it is all OK for you and your DH.

Original poster
MissGarth · 29/09/2013 21:01

He didn't hand in the letter, but he did leave the keys etc with someone for next week so he wouldn't have to go back.

I agree that the person in question was probably charming, and also he saw all our friends who no doubt we won't see again, and that really upset him.

Don't know what to do now as there is absolutely no way on earth I'm going back, and I'm also not forcing DH to go as I don't think that's fair on me- I suppose if the worst came to the worst I'd have to resign on my own and leave DH going but I think that would be very grim.

OP posts:
TiredDog · 29/09/2013 21:19

Brew So sorry you're having such a dilemma

HappySunflower · 29/09/2013 21:21

I hope you can talk to your dh about this, and reach the right decision.
I can only imagine how tough this must be for you. X

Original poster
MissGarth · 30/09/2013 07:42

OK, the letter has just gone off by email.
Deep breaths.
DH had thought about it overnight and thought it needed to be done, so I'm relieved we are in agreement.
I have dread about what the fallout will be but also feel relieved to be out of there. I have switched my phone off in case I get an abusive phone call this morning.

OP posts:
BettyBotter · 30/09/2013 08:35

Oh well done MG and dh. So glad you can support each other through this.

The 'abuse' you expect as repercussions for your resignation makes the 'group' you are members of sound deeply sinister. Please bear in mind that if this group has people's best interests at heart then they would not collude in covering up a safeguarding issue.

A group that colludes in abuse is abusive to its members. You could not have stayed and remained blameless. Sad

Original poster
MissGarth · 30/09/2013 09:10

Thanks Betty, I know you are right. Helps to keep reminding myself.

OP posts:
CrowmarshGibbon · 30/09/2013 09:36

and pm me if you're in or near Oxfordshire as there are several crochet groups about!

MrsCakesPremonition · 30/09/2013 10:08

MissGarth, I'm glad that you and your DH have been able to act together. It's sounds like an awful situation but at least you are working your way through it together.

Remember, it is pretty cheap and simple to change phone numbers and email addresses if you feel you are being harassed by anyone.

elfycat · 30/09/2013 10:27

If you are Suffolk way we are starting up a crochet group. I've taught a couple of people though I am not an expert by any means (knitting is my forte).

It sounds like you have made a big change and I think you DH's questioning last night was only natural - to have one last panic think through before making the right decision. Now you can both begin to move on.

If there is any negative contact from the group keep a record. Don't press delete on emails or messages until you have a copy. Contact the police non-emergency to report harassment or urgently if there are any threats. Hopefully they will just blank your existence for a while.

Trills · 30/09/2013 10:45

Congratulations and well done.

You don't need to go back there ever again.

You don't need to speak to them ever again.

Original poster
MissGarth · 30/09/2013 11:15

Thanks everyone for the support.

I texted my closest friend there to tell her I'd left (didn't say why) and got back 'don't worry, you are highly thought of here so whatever they say about you won't be believed' which I thought was quite telling...

OP posts:
AntoinetteCosway · 30/09/2013 11:55

OP you sound very brave and very impressive. If you are in North Yorks I will happily teach you to crochet Smile