Hand holding please - About to throw my whole life overboard.

[MissGarth]

Tonight me and DH are leaving an organisation that is basically our whole life- all our friends are there, we spend all our free time there, we use our gifts in a voluntary capacity there and the long term plan was that the organisation would be our employer, in a field we have wanted to work in all our lives.

And now we are leaving.

Can't say more about the organisation until we have told them.

I feel so sick and so frightened.

We have no doubt we will be cut off from all our friends and never hear from anyone again. It is going to be very lonely. There are lots of people there we genuinely love.

I'm also frightened about what they will say about us when we leave. We know of other people who have left and they all seem to have left after extremely poor/ shockingly bad behaviour...which we now realise, of course, is crap.

Thank God for DH.

Oh, and do be sure to use your gifts in a voluntary capacity elsewhere! They will be in great demand!

Jammy - I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, that must be so difficult for all of you

Mudcity and Horatio- thanks for the encouragement, it helps

Anyone about?, just got a reply from them and I need help

Just saw your post pop up in "Threads I'm On".
Are you OK?

Aggh! No, not really, Mrs Cakes. Just don't know what to do about it.

They want a sit down meeting with us.

They think we have been very unfair to just present it as a fait accompli, without letting them give their side.

I can see their POV about this, It must have been a bolt from the blue and very upsetting for them.

I did really agonise about whether to do it face to face or by letter, but decided on a letter as I felt I was really being manipulated by them, and by letter I would avoid any manipulation (or lies about why we resigned).

And so I see their point BUT I also find their reply hugely manipulative in itself. Some of the phrases in it I found really really hard to read.

Don't go. You left for a reason. You knew they wouldn't be happy. You believe them to be manipulative.

This isn't go to be like an exit-interview at work where they are looking for feedback.

Going back to the emigrating metaphor. You've left. You wouldn't waste time or emotionalexpense flying back now.

I think you are right about the manipulation. They don't won't a dialogue with you, they want to change your minds. Even if they did change your minds, the trust on both sides would have gone and the relationships will never be the same again.

I think you would be quite with in your rights to just say "Thank you, but no thanks".

Focus on the reasons you chose to leave - you are doing what is right for yourselves, you don't 'owe' then anything at this point.

Sorry for short reply but I have to do school run now. I'll be back in a bit, just wanted to say we're here!

want not won't - sorry.

How to start a new life in the UK where you don't know people (if you're not in the UK, hopefully this can be adapted):

Find yourself somewhere nice to live. There's nothing worse than starting again hating where you are staying.

Look for jobs which involve seeing people (in shops/offices/etc), so you will have colleagues who may become friends/cutomers who may be regulars who you chat to. Try to work near where you live so that your new colleague-friends are local. You are looking to maximise human contact.

Look at your local library and online for local activities/groups you can join. Preferably something sociable where you have to interact - not things like exercise classes where everyone is doing the same exercise but does not need to talk to each other). Walking groups/board game groups/pub-going groups are all good for this. There's an online site called 'meetups' that may have details of a local group for you.

If you are religious - spend a few weeks trying out all your local churches/mosques/delete as appropriate. Then pick the one where you felt most at home. Try to join in with the activities at the groups.

ANd try not to worry about what people say about you. If you are very concerned, write letters to the people whose opinion you care about, setting out why you left and telling them that if theyever wish to get in touch or visit, they would be welcome. Then leave the ball in their court and focus on your new life.

As the government information adverts say - just say no.

If their initial letter was manipulative, they are either going to try to minimise/talk you round, or use the opportunity to bully you into keeping schtum/leaving in a ay they can spin to the others.

You have made a decision based on facts, and you know you need to go. You don't need to discuss it with them, and if you do feel you every want to - do it in a neutral and public place like a costa coffee in another town when it is busy.

thank you elfycat.

It is soo hard.

I want to do the right thing.

I feel like maybe I do owe them a chance to reply? He says his wife has been sobbing since they got the letter and it is the worse thing that has ever happened to them....and the fact we didn't do it face to face 'cuts against what I thought about both of you' ...

But then he goes on to say that he is allowed to lecture at x college which proves the allegations are false- but x college is an adult only theology place, there are no children there, and our issue is that he isn't supposed to be around children so I feel like even using that as an example that 'proves' we are wrong is quite manipulative iyswim...

I don't even think I'm making sense in what I'm trying to say. I feel like throwing up

You are making sense.
You don't need to give them a chance to reply/justify themselves. Why prolong the agony?

You and your DH have done the hard part - now you can just ignore or say no.

I have just read your thread...please dont reply to the email. You need space and distance from them. I think they will try and turn nasty. Please don't give them the opportunity.

Hi there, only just found this today. What lovely, brave people you and DH are. You have so done the right thing and did right to report a safeguarding concern.

Fwiw, I don't think you have to attend a meeting, there is no legal obligation. But of course they want you there. But you have no reason to listen to their side, their justifications, there excuses.

They could use a meeting, however, to confuse you, bully you or generally try to retract your resignation.

Perhaps Tell them you have multiple digital copies of the letter and decline to attend any further meetings.

Mrs Cakes, thanks.

Dh thinks they are just desperate to get us back on board before Sunday when awkward questions would be asked...

I do feel very sorry for his wife, though, I think she must know deep down what he is like but I really hate the thought I have caused her so much pain. She is a very lovely woman and it isn't her fault.

But then i can't see how it would be better for her if I went round there and did it?? I think it would have been just as upsetting??

If he genuinely feels upset because we have left then I think he would have been upset however we left, whereas if he is upset he can't manipulate us then they would be more upset about it being a letter....is that right?.....

I still feel upset but also really ANGRY which isn't like me at all....I quite want to throw something (but I won't, obviously!)

You owe them nothing, zilch, nada. They will have had years of doing stuff like this wheras it's your first time. Walk away - decision is done and it's the right one. A meeting with them will be a complete headfuck for you and your dh, I do think you know that.

Yes I do know it would mess with my head, awks, the letter in itself has really mixed me up and that is only a letter

Just for context, how do you know he shouldn't be in contact with children? Not accusing by the way, just so I can get the whole thing set in my mind before offering advice.

His wife must make her own choices about how she chooses to live her life. You cannot fix her life for her, you cannot stop her being upset.
Do not engage with them. And use your anger to keep yourself feeling strong in your decision.

Rudolph, have pm'd you to explain as it would be difficult to put it here without outing myself.

Mrs Cakes, thank you so much for replying to me. I was feeling so shocked and bad those first few minutes& it really helped you were there to answer. I am starting to feel a bit more OK.

Ok, no probs. will read now and post appropriately I hope

I'm glad I was here - although the beauty of MN does mean that there are lots of people around.
I'm also glad you are feeling calmer. Remember, you don't have to rush into doing anything immediate in response...or ever.

OP you and your DH sound lovely. And you are doing the right thing.

I am shocked at their CP approach, and the fact that they have been dismissive of it rather than responsive is concerning.