Can you just put someone in a care home?

[elderlyparentone]

Blunt title. But DM (not elderly) is caring for DF (in 80s - big age gap). He has Parkinson’s plus many other things, including mild dementia. But he is mobile, can mostly go to the toilet by himself but does have some accidents. This seems to be the main problem. He doesn’t speak much, which is partly the condition, partly he’s always been a bit of a silent miserable bastard. He has previously had carers short term when he had an accident and broke a bone. DM has suddenly decided she can’t cope and wants to put him in a care home. I feel like maybe carers is a good middle step. But she feels this won’t help her, because carers won’t be predictable and she can’t leave him sitting in mess if he’s had a toilet accident.

Is it even possible to just put someone in a home? I feel that might be the worst place for him and we should at least try carers for a while.

They own their house, she has more savings, he has a small amount (around 10k). He has a pension they both live off. I understand half of his pension will be used to fund care, but they can’t fully self fund a full time care home. So will that mean he’s in a shitty home? Would they even take him when he doesn’t really seem to need it? What if she just refuses to help him anymore?

Struggling with how to navigate this. It seems like a sudden reaction, but I know she finds it hard and it’s all on her. I am an hour away, full time job, kids (toddler and primary school aged). Brother fucked off overseas. Apologies if this all sounds hard hearted, it’s a lot harder to deal with this stage than I’d anticipated.

Mostly managing to go to the toilet alone won’t get him into a care home. I suspect you mean those who are fully, doubly incontinent?

My parents went in to a home together - both in their late 80s though. Dad has since passed and mum is still there. It's not the shiniest of places but the carers work their socks of keeping the clientele happy. Your mum is too young but she also should be living and not having to do so much. Is there any chance they could sell up and move nearer to you? If he was in a home near you and she living near you it would all be easier.

Interesting, thank you!

I’ve only read the OP’s posts so forgive me if I echo other posters.

1. With assets over 23,250k you’re a self funder.
2. Dementia/Parkinson’s care in a care home is 1800-1900k per week in London & the SE. You may be able to get it for 1600k per week further afield but that is still over 80,000k per year.
3. Part time care at home starting at a few hours a day would be cheaper.
4. If your parents have a spare room they could consider live in care which would also be cheaper.
5. Your mum is in the unenviable position of either some care herself with help from agency or blowing all the existing assets on a care home.
6. To fund a care home you need to use state pension + private pension + savings and potentially sell the house and downsize to release funds in the long term.
7. It’s really down to your mum’s choice whether she would rather graft now to save funds for her own retirement or blow the funds so she’s not burdened with care.
8. Dementia care is the hardest thing I have done in my life (Ive raised 3 kids and built 2 businesses) and I don’t judge anyone who cannot logistically do it or doesn’t feel up to it.
9. He’s still relatively early stages so you’ll need to find funds for potentially 7-10 years of care.