Can you just put someone in a care home?

[elderlyparentone]

Blunt title. But DM (not elderly) is caring for DF (in 80s - big age gap). He has Parkinson’s plus many other things, including mild dementia. But he is mobile, can mostly go to the toilet by himself but does have some accidents. This seems to be the main problem. He doesn’t speak much, which is partly the condition, partly he’s always been a bit of a silent miserable bastard. He has previously had carers short term when he had an accident and broke a bone. DM has suddenly decided she can’t cope and wants to put him in a care home. I feel like maybe carers is a good middle step. But she feels this won’t help her, because carers won’t be predictable and she can’t leave him sitting in mess if he’s had a toilet accident.

Is it even possible to just put someone in a home? I feel that might be the worst place for him and we should at least try carers for a while.

They own their house, she has more savings, he has a small amount (around 10k). He has a pension they both live off. I understand half of his pension will be used to fund care, but they can’t fully self fund a full time care home. So will that mean he’s in a shitty home? Would they even take him when he doesn’t really seem to need it? What if she just refuses to help him anymore?

Struggling with how to navigate this. It seems like a sudden reaction, but I know she finds it hard and it’s all on her. I am an hour away, full time job, kids (toddler and primary school aged). Brother fucked off overseas. Apologies if this all sounds hard hearted, it’s a lot harder to deal with this stage than I’d anticipated.

Financially - I work in Adult social care finance, I don’t do the assessments but have experience around them. I believe he would be assessed to contribute his whole state pension, your mum would be left with 50% of his occupational/private pensions. As he’s not a self funder his attendance allowance would stop 4 weeks after he went into a care home. He would be left with around £30-35 per week as his personal allowance to spend.

joint accounts generally take 50% of the balance into account, unless one person has clearly never contributed or benefited from account. Upper threshold is £23,250 - if he alone had more than that he’d be a self funder.

As it sounds like he’s not a self funder, he would have to have a care act assessment by your local authority and they’d need to agree he had care needs that needed to be met in a care home, if they didn’t I’m not sure on the next steps I’m afraid

and again, if you can't provide the care (and yes many people can't) then you don't get a choice in how the situation is handled.

I wouldn’t say I have all the funding facts. I’m looking online and listening to what people say here. I obviously need to get much more info and probably get some advice. I’ve learnt a lot from many of the posters here, so thank you.

It’s not an easy situation for anyone. Least of all DM. I know she’s finding it hard and I’m trying to help as much as I can, which admittedly is not by providing much physical care myself.

No, OP's mum has made her position clear, she doesn't want to do the caring, as is her right. No one gets to try to change her mind or 'see how she feels' later, that is coersion, and rightly illegal (not to mention abhorrent behaviour). Respect her boundries.
Mum wants him to go into care. Unless OP is prepared to step up and do the caring herself, that is what needs to happen, and yes he'll have to fund it.

When your dad is incontinent he would be much happier in a nursing home.
My dad is the same.
He said if he needs to be changed in the middle of the night, one carer would change bed and another would change him and he would be ba k to sleep all comfy within 5 mins.
At home,it would take mum maybe 20 minutes to do all that, plus he hated waking her up.
In the nursing home they check him so often he has no problem saying he needs to be changed

If he is moved into a care home there will be a financial assessment carried out to determine how much he has to pay towards his care. She will not be able to touch his pension - nor should she!

I don’t think so - he has capacity.

Not really relevant but why does she has more savings if they are both living on HIS pension. Seems a bit unfair in a marriage.

not relevant at all.

Fine. I don't actually think she should/could provide care. I think she doesn't get to bully/guilt her Mum into doing it, or suggest/push options that involve her mum doing it. So she doesn't get to veto or discourage residential care unless she's prepared to step up herself.

Well this is the main issue. He has an occupational pension that they BOTH live on. She has very limited income from her small pension (£200 a month, if that). So if his whole pension goes on care, she has nothing to live on.

Savings and/or benefits.

I’m not vetoing it! I’m saying 1. I don’t think it’s simple financially. 2. I am sad about it but I’ll get over it if that’s what she really wants.

It’s shit having elderly parents, I feel too young for this. I’m allowed to feel upset and say I don’t think it’s best for him.

Yes and that may be what she decides but her impression this morning was that she could keep
half the pension

Then SHE needs to get the facts clear in her own mind.

I am naïve and not knowledgable about this, so forgive me if this is a silly suggestion. Open to thoughts about this.

Most elderly parents who often are still in a family home, have a spare room or two.. could it be an option to have a au pair? Or even two au pairs?

Each working for example 15 hours a week with free accommodation and I’m not sure what the rate is?
Around £150 a week? I’m not on the pulse with these rates at the moment but we had au pairs when my children were young.

It would give your mum a break and something that maybe his pension could cover without the exorbitant care home fees.

Nurses even, their hourly rate is so ridiculously low, (much to my dismay) - are there nurses that would work at £30 / £40 an hour for example that you could find- without agency fees?

It’s not easy when you have young children and live an hour away. OP, my sympathies as you must feel so torn trying to support everyone xxx

It sounds as though your mum needs help and perhaps an arrangement like this could work for a while?

Well, I'm further down the line than you, and both my parents are now dead. I fully understand the burden of care. You don't get to put it on someone else. Feel sad by all means, it is sad, but stop thinking it's OK to expect your mum (or anyone else) to provide care they are unable or unwilling to provide. You choose how much care you are willing and able to give, you don't have the right to have an opinion on what someone else is willing or able to do.

Him not going into residential care leaves a huge care gap to be filled. Unless you are choosing to step up and fill it yourself, then you don't get to push this as an option, your mum has made it clear she doesn't want to do it any more.

That's really useful to know @Roxttc
I know as things are with care in the home his entire income would count towards care costs contributions.
So if they go into residential care the spouse would receive half the private pension? Is that subject to what the spouses income is?
Thanks

Agreed. After approx 15 minutes faeces are going to have an effect on the skin and potentially lead to real issues.

This is my life and I've managed to keep my DHs skin integrity good for 4 years of him being bedbound by being a) present and b) vigilant. It isn't easy with a 6 foot former prop forward but I've got better at it. Not everyone is going to be able or willing to do that and if they're not, an alternative needs to be found, for everyones sake.

Thank you, this is really helpful.

£1200+ per week. Residential care is likely cheaper.

Why not? The mum will need to understand what happens to her husband affects her financially. If she is early 60s and doesn’t want to care for him she could go back to work and divorce.

Sorry to hear about your parents.

I literally haven’t said a word to my mum about whether I think she should continue or not. I am venting to strangers.

Sorry, I wasn’t having a go at you or the finances. It just sounded odd for a married couple.

If she really doesn't want to care for him, as is her right, then maybe they need to divorce. But I don’t think your mum can force your dad into a home , then keep his pension. It doesn’t sound legal or fair.

And I do feel for your situation. You cannot help due to circumstances and you allowed an opinion.

Yes it may be she needs to do this.

Yes tbh I don’t understand the set up. I believe DM has more savings because she inherited from her father a few years ago and kept it in her own account. I’ve always found their set up odd and old fashioned with her getting “house keeping” but that’s an aside