Can you just put someone in a care home?

[elderlyparentone]

Blunt title. But DM (not elderly) is caring for DF (in 80s - big age gap). He has Parkinson’s plus many other things, including mild dementia. But he is mobile, can mostly go to the toilet by himself but does have some accidents. This seems to be the main problem. He doesn’t speak much, which is partly the condition, partly he’s always been a bit of a silent miserable bastard. He has previously had carers short term when he had an accident and broke a bone. DM has suddenly decided she can’t cope and wants to put him in a care home. I feel like maybe carers is a good middle step. But she feels this won’t help her, because carers won’t be predictable and she can’t leave him sitting in mess if he’s had a toilet accident.

Is it even possible to just put someone in a home? I feel that might be the worst place for him and we should at least try carers for a while.

They own their house, she has more savings, he has a small amount (around 10k). He has a pension they both live off. I understand half of his pension will be used to fund care, but they can’t fully self fund a full time care home. So will that mean he’s in a shitty home? Would they even take him when he doesn’t really seem to need it? What if she just refuses to help him anymore?

Struggling with how to navigate this. It seems like a sudden reaction, but I know she finds it hard and it’s all on her. I am an hour away, full time job, kids (toddler and primary school aged). Brother fucked off overseas. Apologies if this all sounds hard hearted, it’s a lot harder to deal with this stage than I’d anticipated.

Exactly.
Unless you are offering to do it yourself, then you don't get to object to full time paid carers.

If he needs 'no' care, then OP can meet all his needs herself then, no? He can come stay with her....

Have you tried respite care? We paid A LOT for my Dad to have a week in a care home as my mum was really struggling with his dementia care, he wouldn’t shower etc. We tried to explain he was only going to be there for a short stay but he hated it so much that he tried to escape at every given opportunity. The staff rang us constantly throughout the week, he was a danger & at the end of the week £2k was paid & they hadn’t got him in the bloody shower either! It was not the solution we had hoped for

A good home care agency, with the same reliable carers can make a massive difference

You also don't get to object to a care home provided the person agrees or doesn't have capacity. You don't get to object to a spouse refusing to give care. oh and the "accidents" that are skated over. What kind and how often? Can he clean himself up?

oh no....she has a small house and a full time job....quite impossible

I tried putting the kids in one but was told they are too young and I had to take em
back.

There’s no way this would meet the SS requirements for a care home to be recommended.

hell, I’m more disabled than that.

what happens if the poor bloke has an "accident" just after they leave?
I agree about good home care, it was gamechanging for my late Mum, but its not the answer to everything.

You misunderstand me. I'm 100% in agreement with you.

This

do you have dementia and do you have "accidents" and need help? No don't answer that, the questions are rhetorical

OP can pop round and deal with it. Oh hang on...

I know you do, I was adding to your comments,

I'm 63 and gave up work to look after DH. His pensions will end with his death and I'll have a few hundred pounds of my own private pensions to survive on until 3 years on when I get the State one if he dies before that kicks in.

If she wants to opt out now, she needs to have a proper look at what financially is going to happen

Does he wear incontinence pads?
If he's willing to do this, it could help with the accidents.

Sure, if OP is happy to be on call 24/7 to pop round and change them when soiled.

I imagine she feels very resentful if he wasn't a good husband to her prior to his health problems.
Don't blame her if that's the case.
Cleaning up another grown persons messes isn't for the faint hearted, and the situation is completely compounded if they're not a nice person.

He could very well be left in a mess in the care home too.

if it a regular occurrence then meds need to be involved.

If DM isn't going to leave, I am just suggesting that an accident is a lot easier to deal with in the relative confines of a pad rather than all over their clothes and the bed/ soft furnishings.

Did you sell the house to pay for that?
X

As an elderly nurse I wondered if I could just give some input op

This isn’t right for everyone’s situation so don’t take it as gospel but with mild dementia and Parkinson’s, the situation is only going to get so much worse for your mother and with progression it’s not often a slow deterioration, it can be a very quick jump where a lot of people find themselves hitting a crisis point. Your mum is older so she’s not young herself like carers, they often start falling with Parkinson’s and both Parkinson’s and dementia can bring sudden aggression so you’ve got 2 diseases there that are conflicting with each other. She still has a massive gap between care calls where all of that falls onto her.

If dad has capacity and agrees to it then patients I’ve met do a lot better than trying to settle somewhere when dementia has deteriorated. I’ve also known many patients go into care homes of their own choice with smaller care needs and they’ve made that decision themselves and are happy with it. I even remember when I worked in a care home there was a lady with dementia and her husband with smaller care needs chose to go in there with her so he wouldn’t be seperated from her and could be her husband again. Many relatives are of the same opinion when they’ve been caring for someone, that when their loved one has gone into a care home it means they can be a daughter or wife again rather than the mental and physical toll of caring for someone and not having as much to give them emotionally. Your mum may be of the same view, knowing realistically that he is just going to deteriorate as the diseases progress so if she can do this early for him, she can give more to him knowing he’s got round the clock care with a better chance of him being settled without upheaval from home care to 24 hour care

No, they don't leave people sitting in shit in care homes.

Incontinence and dementia can progress very quickly. One of my parents went from having the odd accident and being able to enjoy trips to cafés etc, to having accidents all the time and trying to pay for things in shops with pencils or tissues, to being doubly incontinent and bedbound inside a year.

If your dad would agree to some respite in a home so your mum can have a rest this might be a way in. But it sounds like you cannot self fund so realistically you are looking at waiting until things are impossibly difficult before you get any help.

I’m not saying he needs no care. He does wear incontinence pads and has done for perhaps 15 years since a prostate operation.

Yes, I cannot care for him. I have 5 people in an already too small house and I’m the only earner. How would I feed and clothe and house my children if I gave up work to do it? I’m not sure why that’s so hard to understand.

I totally understand it’s awful to have to care for someone if you don’t want to, I just am not sure a care home is magically going to be found without there being a massive financial impact that I am not sure DM is prepared for.

He has been in respite care earlier this year so DM could visit DB. It was prohibitively expensive so they cannot manage that too frequently. He will go again next year so she can do another visit.

Thank you, this is helpful. I appreciate it can be the right thing for everyone involved, I’m just not sure the funding is going to work out for them.