Can you just put someone in a care home?

[elderlyparentone]

Blunt title. But DM (not elderly) is caring for DF (in 80s - big age gap). He has Parkinson’s plus many other things, including mild dementia. But he is mobile, can mostly go to the toilet by himself but does have some accidents. This seems to be the main problem. He doesn’t speak much, which is partly the condition, partly he’s always been a bit of a silent miserable bastard. He has previously had carers short term when he had an accident and broke a bone. DM has suddenly decided she can’t cope and wants to put him in a care home. I feel like maybe carers is a good middle step. But she feels this won’t help her, because carers won’t be predictable and she can’t leave him sitting in mess if he’s had a toilet accident.

Is it even possible to just put someone in a home? I feel that might be the worst place for him and we should at least try carers for a while.

They own their house, she has more savings, he has a small amount (around 10k). He has a pension they both live off. I understand half of his pension will be used to fund care, but they can’t fully self fund a full time care home. So will that mean he’s in a shitty home? Would they even take him when he doesn’t really seem to need it? What if she just refuses to help him anymore?

Struggling with how to navigate this. It seems like a sudden reaction, but I know she finds it hard and it’s all on her. I am an hour away, full time job, kids (toddler and primary school aged). Brother fucked off overseas. Apologies if this all sounds hard hearted, it’s a lot harder to deal with this stage than I’d anticipated.

OP's mum wants Dad in care, she doesn't want to do the caring and shouldn't be coerced.If OP doesn't want her Dad in care, it's on her to step up and be the default carer.

Care homes that are run almost entirely on temp staff, where government funded residents can only have a certain number of pads a day - it happens

So since you aren't prepared to step up and do the care, who do you think should?

Then help her to get the facts about the finances....and I remind you again about your initial post "I feel that might be the worst place for him and we should at least try carers for a while."
I certainly do understand that you can't have him at home with you. Do YOU understand that unless you can offer to step in and replace what your mother is doing, then your opinion is not relevant to the situation? Because as I pointed out, you don't mean "we"

No it doesn't, and if you've ever come across this, it needs reporting. It is not normal, nor acceptable practice.

I mean, the person who chose to marry him is probably the main person? If not then, I guess the state, but society can’t afford that. So… I don’t know really

Yes I am allowed to feel sad at the idea of my dad going into a care home. He did deteriorate after his respite stay.

I'm making a suggestion to help DM. Whether or not she wants him to go into a home is immaterial if adult social care won't fund it and they can't.
The op is just as entitled as her DM not to be able to provide care for another person regardless off relationship.
Her DM is in a crap situation and the op can't help.
Residential care isn't happening.

So you do want to guilt/ co-erce your mum into it. Abhorrent and actually illegal. Give your head a wobble.

Step up and do it yourself if it's that important to you. Otherwise, butt out, and accept he needs residential care, which he'll need to pay for.

Worried about the inheritance by any chance?

Yeah funding is the brick wall that she’s potentially going to hit so you do make valid points. If self funding you can go in for that care at any point but we do get repeated admissions with funded care as local authorities tend to want to try home care first as care calls are cheaper than residential care unless it becomes evident that home care is not manageable. The cases we often see are discharge with care calls, admitted again with falls or pressure sores so discharge again with increased care calls, admitted again having fallen etc and then it is evidence that care calls are not enough for that person, unless mum can fight that he’s not safe between care calls but if his needs appear to be lower at the moment than highly dependent then that’s the catch 22 situation. I really feel for families as it’s such a rubbish situation having to wait until crisis hits first with regards to funded 24 hour care in most cases

OP needs to work, look after her children and pay the mortgage she can’t care for him! it’s literally not an option

What is illegal? I’m not forcing DM to do anything. I’m trying to explore if there is a solution. Unfortunately I don’t think there is going to be an easy one due to finances.

Thank you! Im not sure why this is so hard to understand

Fine, but she doesn't get to coerce someone else to. He'll need to pay for residential care. OP has no right to block it. It is illegal to coerce someone into being an unpaid carer, so unless OP is offering to step up herself, she needs to zip it and keep her.opinions to herself.

So, in the absence of Mum doing any care and the absence of you doing any care and the absence of him going into a care home, who's washing him, looking after him, cooking for him, keeping him company, sorting his medical appointments, reassuring him...

Its not hard to understand at all. When My Mum needed care, my husband had cancer so I had to leave it to my wonderful siblings. That meant that it was up to them to decide how things would be done. Same with you and your mother.

"I feel that might be the worst place for him and we should at least try carers for a while."

but as i said you don't mean "we"

I’m not coercing her. She’s an adult and ultimately can do what she wants wants. He can only pay if they sell the house that she lives in and uses the pension she currently lives on. Not sure that really helps her in the long run but the ultimate decisions would be up to her.

so the answer as I keep saying is to get the facts. See what the situation is with the pension, see what SS will offer.....and not start with what WE should try when the OP doesn't mean we.

It’s such an emotive topic
I see where OP is coming from - to at least try the carers at home & her mum can see if that makes any difference to the way she feels, if not, then it’s 100% care home

I had an older dad too - I wished my kids childhoods away as I couldn’t cope with helping my parents, working & parenting young kids

A way to alleviate some guilt is that you know all other options were tried - just a bloody tick box exercise really but you know you looked into all
scenarios

so you have the funding facts? The way you spoke earlier, I thought you didn't?

Sorry what’s illegal about that sentence? I do feel a care home isn’t the best place for him right now. Ultimately it isn’t my decision though

nothing illegal and I am glad you have admitted that its not your choice.

You would need a DoLS (Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding) assessment from Social Services who would determine whether being in the Care Home is in the person's best interests.
Social Services may offer some alternatives, some of which may have to be paid for, and some provided by Social Services. (ie a Care package of some sort).
As the OP parents have their own home, they would not usually turf the other parent out, but instead place a charge against the house, payable at some future date (ie when the house is sold), but my understanding is that they can charge interest on the outstanding amount.

It hardly as if she’s shirking on a permanent holiday: she works full time and has youngish children. Lots of people are not able to provide care