Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

Bloody hell @GnomeDePlume. Hopefully the nurse will update your mum’s records/pass on the word that you are agreeable to all of their recommendations for pain management. Do you have to agree every time they want to give painkillers? I have a blanket agreement with mums home that they can give whatever painkillers they think appropriate whenever needed, and to not delay by waiting to contact me.

There’s control and there’s plain cruelty and I’d find it hard to forgive your ‘D’B in your shoes.

Paracetamol is on DM's care plan 'as needed'. DB keeps weedling that it isnt needed, that if only care staff were 'gentler', took more time, basically did whatever DB wanted, then DM wouldnt need paracetamol. The nurse I spoke to yesterday doesnt think paracetamol even administered regularly will be enough.

DB is as empathetic as a housebrick. He doesnt recognise DM's pain. To him it is just a niggle, nothing serious. He doesnt comprehend that it is continuous. Because he doesnt see it as serious, pain relief isnt needed.

DB struggles to see DM as having any thought or feelings which are different from his own. Some of this is because she has spent so long saying 'yes dear' just to keep the peace (she has said this to me in the past). Also, because of his little boy personality, he hates that his mummy is broken. Taking medication reinforces that she is broken.

DB wants every change to DM's care to be debated with him. He doesnt recognise that DM is treading a well worn path, debate isnt necessary.

Does anybody need a new patio?

@GnomeDePlume - does he need to to be involved in every care decision?
I would assume (slightly naively) that you trust the care home to make the correct medical decisions and to just do it?
But tell me afterwards and explain why.

@MittensTheKittens DB expects/demands to be involved in any changes to DM's care. He challenges any change, to him this is just perfectly reasonable. He expects it to be some sort of intellectual debate where care team will present their arguments for change to him and he will then decide if they are good enough.

He thinks it is what DF would have done. In DB's mind DF (died over 30 years ago) has been elevated to some sort of god like status. In reality DF could be charming but could also be exceptionally cruel especially where DM was concerned. I suspect DF would have quietly dropped a pillow over DM's face some months ago (I'm not entirely joking).

DB is a deluded, pompous arse.

@GnomeDePlume This must be awful for you and your poor DM. I really can't see how at that stage anyone can want anything other than to be sure that the elderly person is kept pain free.

Sadly I suspect it's only a matter of time before I am in a similar situation with my DM and Brother. Mine also considers that he knows more than any medical professional and certainly more than me, at the same time as seemingly being convinced that if only our parents were given the right tests/medication etc they would go on for ever. When DF died Brother almost talked us in to having to have a post mortem performed. Dad was suffering from an infection on top of chronic illnesses and was at home but bedbound after several long hospital stays. He was not being treated as an end of life patient and had recovered from similar infections before but no one who had seen him in those last months would have considered his death a surprise. The GP was simply trying to make sure she knew what had happened in the final day to check her conclusion that no investigations etc were needed but Brother went on one of his rants. It was absolutely clear what has caused the death and all any further investigation would have achieved would have been more distress for Mum and delay in dealing with the funeral etc. I'm dreading Mum's final months because I know he will be pushing to keep her alive and conscious for as long as possible whereas I know in her situation I would want to be given any medication necessary to free me from pain and anxiety then allowed to slip away.

@GnomeDePlume pain relief to me is a red line. I don’t want any heroic measures for my DM but I have been clear I do not want her in pain.

You are doing the right thing by encouraging the CH to treat your DMs pain.

Tough visit to mum yesterday. She accepts she's not going home but is distressed about what will happen to her stuff. Golden balls has only brought a couple of photos of her and dad to personalised her room and she wants photos of the GC so I'll pick those up this week. She kept crying about how much she misses dad. The move has knocked her grief back to just after he died. Missing her own home and dad are totally tangled together. She couldn't remember which is her room so I wrote the number on a piece of paper and put it in her handbag but of course she forgets the piece of paper is there and then gets upset she doesn't know the room number again.

That is so sad @countrygirl99 . How stupid of GB DB to not think about the things your DM wants/needs to help her settle. It sounds like he thought he was dropping her off at a business trip, not moving her to her new home.

Oh gosh @countrygirl99. That sounds so hard. Your post has me in tears. I am imagining how my own DM will be when it comes to it. She’s lived in her house for 64 years and she misses my Dad so much.
The day is coming closer.
She fell again last night and I had a terrifying call from the Lifeline people at 11 pm saying that she’d fallen through a glass door and they’d told her not to move in case she cut herself.

She had indeed fallen against a glass panelled door and shattered the glass which was everywhere. Luckily she was uninjured.

I couldn’t lift her so had to phone DB who had yet again switched his phone off (landline and mobile) and gone to bed so had to phone SIL. I didn’t hold back and told her how pissed off I was about this (this is the 4th or 5th time this year I’ve had to call him because DM has fallen and he’s switched his phone off.)

Anyway, he arrived and we struggled to get her to bed via the commode while having a stand up argument (how dare I speak to his wife like that!).

She’s as right as rain this morning and was up dressed and eating breakfast when I got there at 8. I just shudder to think what could have happened.

I’m further furious because there was a problem with one of the glass doors last year and DH and I took it off its hinges. DB agreed we needed to change the doors and I spent ages sourcing new ones (the three doors are different sizes so getting matching ones was tricky). At least two weekends wasted wandering round B&Q and Wickes etc only for DB to decide it was too expensive to change the doors and he rehung the original door. It’s not even his money.

Sorry this is a really long rant. I don’t know how much longer she or I can go on like this.

It’s just not straight forward either. As I was cleaning up, the vacuum cleaner broke and I couldn’t find clean knickers for her! So I’ve had to go out and buy new pants and a vacuum this morning. It’s never bloody ending.

DH has decided we’re going to the cinema to see Minions this afternoon as he reckons I need an hour or two of daftness.

Surely he can see care & medicine ( and opinions ) have changed enormously in those past 30 years .
Your brother ( won't put the d to him ) is an oaf .

Brothers 😡! I do have one decent one but he's away on holiday at the moment.

@GnomeDePlume he sounds like a knob to be honest.

I'm an only child which is both a blessing and a curse at the moment.

Had a good chat with my mum at the weekend, she doesn't particularly want to have loads of tests done, but she also accepts that the consequence of not working out what's wrong and having more falls and properly injuring herself is worse.

I'm starting to wonder if suggesting a move to somewhere smaller with an on site warden might be a good idea... But also, she will dither and I'll have to deal with the admin for someone who hasn't moved in 40+ years.

@BestIsWest Of course it's far easier for your brother to argue with you on what you said to his wife than address the issue of him switching off his phone! Talk about distraction... Anyway sounds like your DH is a good'un with this proposed plan - please turn off your phone while the film is on!

Hi everyone - we've had a terrible weekend. Elderly parent has had a fall - they've been checked out and nothing broken but bruised but it's had a impact on their confidence.

Sister is demanding that someone stays with elderly parent overnight. Advice from social services is that there is no need, staying overnight with Mum would be incredibly disruptive for us, we all work full time, have families etc - we do not want to do it.

@BestIsWest, I hope you had a lovely afternoon and managed to switch off and relax a bit!

@Tennas, sending good vibes your way…

When I read about everyone’s bonkers brothers my head hurts… solidarity and good vibes for saint level patience to everyone dealing with these “fine” specimens of humanity!

I actually nodded off in the cinema! It was very silly.

I can see that if it's just for one night after a fall I can see that an elderly person might feel reassured that someone was with them. But if it's very disruptive and only your sister thinks it's necessary surely she should be the one to stay.

How is your parent managing generally? If you do for any reason decide to stay with her you need to make it clear to your parent and to your sister that it is disruptive and only a one-off emergency situation. I know from my own experience that social services can advise that an elderly person does not need overnight care even when it seems clear to family that this would be best (I assume there are implications for their duty to find that care). But if the elderly parent and family think this is needed regularly then in my opinion that means they need to look at assisted living etc.

It’s been two weeks, she could use a pad or a commode for toileting at night but she doesn’t want to. Apart from the toileting, she does not need overnight care.

@Tennas we are all different but to me overnight toileting isnt an apart from thing. For me being able to manage toileting with dignity is crucial.

Using a pad overnight for an otherwise continent person could be hugely upsetting. Even now in her hugely confused state my DM cries because she uses her pad.

It is also setting someone up for UTIs either through holding onto urine or having a bowel movement in the night and having to sit in it until someone comes to help them clean up.

For me toileting is the sign that more supported living is needed.

Same here. Overnight help with toileting means it's time for a care home me or paid live in care.

Mum is refusing to even talk about moving to a care home, I am worried that she won't make that decision whilst my sister is staying overnight - mum will continue to insist everything's working for her and she's staying at home. She can't afford paid live in care. Only my sister that stays with is able to do personal care.

@Tennas I think you're absolutely right that your Mum won't consider making any changes whilst your sister will stay with her and act as her night time carer. If she can't afford to pay carers and social services say it's not needed she is in a tricky situation though. You mentioned a commode- if she could use that at night it sounds like that should be the next thing to try. I agree with @GnomeDePlume that if she is continent and has to use pads it will lead to more problems but as long as she is safe to use the commode that would be a more dignified solution. But of course if whilst your sister is willing to stay with her she probably won't try it. Do you think this is likely to be a long term thing, or just whilst she gets over a fall/illness?

Has she applied for attendance allowance? It's not a huge amount but would go towards paying for some help for her.

You have my sympathy. I also have a Mum and Brother who can't seem to see the difference between 'needs' and 'wants' and refuse to consider any paid care.

It's hard when siblings can't see sense