Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

Well the probably inevitable has happened; a bad fall and a badly broken hip 😭. Her dementia seems to be rapidly worsening too. She’s currently in hospital pending an operation, as despite the risks they can’t leave it. Irony of ironies we’d just collectively agreed (yes, even she had accepted the inevitable!) that she couldn’t cope on her own/in her own home any more given the absolute shit show that the council recommended (!) carers were. All I can say is if you have to get carers in, put at least a ring doorbell in, if not a granny cam or two and make damned sure the company knows you will know when they turn up 3-4 hours after they are supposed to, spend just 5 minutes and do f-all. Oh, and if you check for reviews and they only appear on google reviews, and the 5* reviews are all from staff… yup, red flag right there!
We trusted those shysters!!

@NoMoreFluffsToGive sympathy.

Been swimming this evening and while I was getting ready another lady was on the phone clearly having an involved conversation with an elderly parent who'd done something unwise (and apparently against all advice) and she was explaining that no she couldn't drop everything right now and come and sort it out because 1) she was at the pool and iver an hour away and 2) she'd had to get a lift to swimming from a friend as her car is in the garage. I gave her a sympathetic and knowing smile.

@NoMoreFluffsToGive
Oh no... How long is the wait for the op?
I don't think anyone is at their best in hospital, hopefully she'll bounce back a little once she's out?

@MittensTheKittens she was due to go down this afternoon but a higher priority emergency bumped her down the list… hopefully tomorrow morning? She’s nil by mouth which she will be hating so I hope it’s soon! Only positive (kind of) is she’s very confused so not always aware of what’s going on, which is a sort of blessing. She’s driven me batty at times over the years but I hate seeing her suffer like this…it’s very distressing for DH & SiL too

Ah that's crap @NoMoreFluffsToGive 💐. Hospital was awful for DM (it is for most but especially the elderly).

Dehydration is a huge issue (obvs post operation) plus lack of sleep and repeated UTIs. Hospital delirium is real.

@NoMoreFluffsToGive sending Broken hips are awful for anyone. My DF, who was mentally very sharp right to the end, behaved very strangely when he was in hospital with a broken hip. I'm sure it's the combination of pain, medication, lack of sleep and unfamiliar surroundings. In my experience elderly care wards seem to be particularly noisy and chaotic. I don't blame the staff at all- each time Dad was in they all seemed to be very caring but over stretched. But the set up seems almost designed to cause confusion.

Mum had alzheimers already when she fell and broke her hip. I think it was the three weeks in a small more distant hospital (for non existent "physio and rehab") which sent her dementia over a cliff and she went into a CH from there. She was largely in a large room on her own for 3 weeks. Terrible.

Mum had alzheimers already when she fell and broke her hip. I think it was the three weeks in a small more distant hospital (for non existent "physio and rehab") which sent her dementia over a cliff and she went into a CH from there. She was largely in a large room on her own for 3 weeks. Terrible.

Oh no @NoMoreFluffsToGive I hope she is not in too much pain. The opioids used for pain relief worsen the risk of delirium and constipation which isn't good, they can use regional nerve blocks for elderly patients to limit opioid usage, I don't know if that would be a possibility, but might be worth discussing with the medical team (see 1.3 below)

https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg124/chapter/Recommendations#analgesia

My mum seems a bit better now, but we still need to figure out why she is bouncing along the bottom of acceptable levels which means she has no buffer when something changes.

We went to the follow up appointment, where I filled in some gaps (yes, you have fallen over in the last year... This is the fourth one that you've told me about) we also discussed whether feeling a bit funny before falling over means you feel dizzy (yes, mother that is exactly what they mean).

There is a follow up call with her GP next week who needs to refer to endocrinology.
I need to prep her with some questions on a bit of paper so she doesn't get fobbed off

And I've read her the riot act... She needs to follow up and chase (or I will).

Mothering the mother continues!

@NoMoreFluffsToGive how is your mum getting on?

Thanks everyone… mil somehow survived a ~5 hour operation on Thursday… later that day had completely forgotten she had had an operation and was extremely cross because apparently she’d been calling for help and a drink ALL MORNING and NOBODY came! That’s because you were in theatre love

She’s on a paracetamol drip now, think they are wary of opiates given the state of her heart - she was on a nerve block pre op. Apparently the next two weeks will be critical. She’s very confused though and I do find myself wondering if overall it might have been a blessing for her, if she just hadn’t woken up. I feel guilty even thinking that but her current quality of life it so poor. Do we have a feeling desperately sad emoji?!

@NoMoreFluffsToGive I’m so sorry, maybe we should have a cockroach for the desperately sad emoji? I think it’s pretty merciful thinking she might have been better off not to have woken up 💐

As well as current quality of life, it’s also the dread of what the future holds. Our experience of council carers was also pretty bad and the second time was being discharged from hospital back to 2 carers 4 times a day because SS insisted they must try everything before a care home because ‘capacity’.

We’re here whenever you need to pop into the cafe for a vent even if you only have time for a shot of extra strength special reserve before heading back into crisis management.

I had a paracetamol drip when I had an op. Paracetamol is really effective when it's given by as a drip and the dose adjusted to your weight, rather than the tablets we're used to.
I think you can easily mix it with other painkillers without it causing issues?

Thanks @FiniteSagacity and @MittensTheKittens…
I could weep… DH on his way to see mil in hospital has just had a car crash. He’s ok thank god, car is mobile but damaged and it’s more stress and grief we don’t need. Fucker just pulled out on him! Started having a go then back pedalled when DH suggested getting the police involved. So who knows if they are even insured?! More stress, more admin, more cost… meanwhile other relatives are stripping stuff out of mil’s house and she’s not even dead yet. I really, really don’t like humanity much right now…

Sometimes you just need to scream into a pillow 💐

Who are the relatives who are stripping the house? Can you pop by to collect some more stuff for MIL in and tell them to sod off... Or better still get them to visit MIL in hospital while she's still with you?

It’s SiL’s son… mil probably wouldn’t mind even if she wasn’t away with the fairies, as he’s always been the golden grandchild, but it feels so yucky and grabby. Maybe I’m being irrational as whatever happens she won’t be going home again, so it won’t affect her but it just feels so… wrong ?!

Mum's care home have decided they can't meet her needs after less than 3 weeks. They assessed her twice before she moved in and she had a day visit 😞. TBH I'm not surprised as they were whittling about her not settling in after 3 days. What did they expect from someone with Alzheimer's 😡

@countrygirl99 oh no… I take it they aren’t one of those homes with a care home section and a nursing home section? Bugger… did you see any potential options when looking for a care home originally? Sorry you’re both going through this

It wasn't one of the homes I researched, they were useless apparently. It was one golden balls sprung on us. And now she's further away from me so getting a home close to me to assess her is going to be more difficult. I'll let GB sort it. I'm just pissed off that mum is being mucked around, it's only going to lead to a further deterioration.

Ah - distance might be a good thing for your sanity at the moment then! There’s no comfort in being proved right sometimes but maybe some peace to be found in letting GB unpick his mess…

Yep. He moved mum to a location that suited him and buggger anyone else for reasons he didn't disclose straight away but did make sense from his point of view once we were aware. So his problem to sort. I researched so many homes over a wide area but I'm useless and incompetent apparently 🤷

Hell's teeth DB is an arse.

Visited DM today. Nurse took me to one side, turns out DB has been being difficult about giving DM paracetamol.

By the looks of things DM is in near constant low level pain. It's worse if she is given any sort of personal care, shouting out, being difficult to settle afterwards.

According to DB, DM isnt in a lot of pain or it's distress/agitation or it's the wrong sort of pain. Any excuse to mean that DM shouldnt be given anything.

Any road up I told the nurse that I would agree with whatever the nurse recommends. I said that if they want the answer to be 'yes' then contact me not DB (we both have POA).

Nurse is of the view that paracetamol (when DB 'permits' it) is no longer touching the sides. Next step will be codeine. After that it will be morphine.

@GnomeDePlumewhat on earth is wrong with him? Why would he not want her to receive adequate pain relief??

It's all about control for DB. He has to be in charge. If he hasnt heard of something, it doesnt exist (he hadnt heard of UTI delirium so DM didnt have it). He wants to control what medication DM has.

However, I think the nursing team are getting fed up with him. At some point he may find all control is taken away from him if it is in DM's best interest.

Crikey I hope so! He sounds… delightful!