Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Yes, the spending money. Is it usual that they don't itemise how it is spent? If DM was in her right mind she would not be happy about that - she kept receipts for EVERYTHING and ticked them off against her bank account - she and DF had to be very frugal during the early years of her marriage and it stuck. My instinct is to ask for details of what it has been spent on, but I don't want to be 'that' relative...

Mum is just wasting away tbh 😕
But there's not much they can do if its age related cachexia.
I don't really comment anymore because she gets angry.
Other than take her treats/things she's likely to eat, not much I can do.
She hasn't been dressed since she got home from hospital...she just wears pj's all the time, sleeps and watches TV.
I'm realising it's unlikely she will consent to the outpatient tests - it would be a herculean effort on her part to get dressed, get there and go through the tests.
So, we are where we are.
No communication at all from siblings so I assume they are happy 🤷‍♀️

They should be itemising it, ours is split out into things like hairdressing, toiletries, chiropody.

My mum has been in a care home almost three years and I have never seen a list of her personal expenditure. I used to pay £200 a time although never probably more than once every 4-5 months and, in comparison to the weekly fees it was nothing so I decided to just never ask unless the request to top it up came too frequently and it never did. I wondered if some of the activities, singers and trips she went on - there was an annual daytrip to the seaside in groups of 6 in a minibus - involved her contributing for craft materials or the minibus but I just decided not to sweat the small stuff. Mum was happy and I could see her hair was being regularly cut.

Mum’s home uses an app to track personal spends, so I get to see every time money comes out and what it is for. The home provides toiletries and pads, so it’s mainly podiatrist and dentist and days out when she was able. I don’t have to top it up very often, she’s not a big spender.

Thank you. Sorry about the leg, hope it improves again soon. Yes, I think I will have to ask for the letters and mark them up as Paid or whatever when I go round, I do try and go every weekend, but sometimes the visits are short because I have to visit Dad separately at the CH, and then sometimes I miss things. Fortunately I have access to both their emails. Mum gets SO many every day, mostly marketing, it's easy to miss things, she never deletes any.

@ElderlyDilemmas I have POA for 3 older people and my saintly chap too. Luckily all but the one are completely self sufficient, long may this last.

Apparently the "carers haven't been following the meal plan" FFS why do I bother. (Yes, she can speak just fine, in case you wondered).

It so happens that my own meds have changed, and as a side effect I am more emotional. Good in some ways, but irritability, frustration and rage are also emotions.

I'm sure a lot of us here are familiar with the vicious circle of the relative actively or passively sabotaging attempts to help them...so you think, well, why bother visiting/engaging at all... But if you disengage, a crisis just so happens and you are worse off than where you started.

@BestIsWest it’s all bad enough , isn’t it, really feel for you with all the extra sorted needed from your accident.

@GoldMoon self-neglect is a safe-guarding issue if you want to raise it formally with GP and social care - there is obviously only so much that can be done without the person’s cooperation but you can raise it.

I've reported it to the carers .

Pad situation is being resolved. The first nurse didnt know what he was talking about (claiming DM should be personally contributing pads to a common stock). He is a bit of a 'know it all'.

Second nurse does understand funding so is on the case though it will take a couple of weeks to resolve.

Feeling a bit discombobulated today.
I've got a training session soon, but its not that.
It's how easy I'm finding living like my siblings have for the past decade...
I pop in to see mum twice a week (until I start work, anyway..)
We chat, I ask if she needs anything (answer is usually no) and then I leave and I don't think about her at all until the next visit or if she texts me.
It's been revelatory.

4am call from DMs lifeline. She was on the floor. Unhurt thankfully. I couldn’t lift her so had to call my brother to help and between us we got her into bed.

Just musing here that there’s no way I could have lifted her alone. How do people get dead bodies into the boots of cars in TV dramas etc?

I’ve just been googling the local NHS falls policy because I would have had to call an ambulance if DB wasn’t available and there was no real need for it.

@BestIsWest I hope you managed to catch up on some sleep. That question has occurred to me before - when they fall they are often really unable to help you to help them.

I don’t think I could get any of the people who annoy me into a boot or under a patio by myself (this may have saved lives).

I know you know but - it’s so important not to injure yourself or them - even if that means calling an ambulance. It also means they get checked over (but can mean paramedics decide hospital must check them over).

@GnomeDePlume I’m feeling cross on your behalf about pads as they were (eventually) prescribed by NHS continence service here - nursing home were amazing at fighting for what our Dad wanted (pants) and not the standard offering for our area.

DM called for an ambulance a few times when dad fell in the night. She reported that the crew were always cheerful and happy to help, gave dad a once over for blood pressure and heart rate etc and tucked him back in bed. Said mum did exactly the right thing in calling them as they could always be an underlying reason for the fall or a broken hip to deal with.

From dads perspective he hated going to hospital so it gave him an incentive to use his frame and take care not to fall in case the crew decided he needed to be taken to A&E.

If you are disposing of someone you've done away with with you don't care about dragging/dropping so not as scary as helping a frail parent.
I reckon all the paramedics knew my dad's address by heart he fell so often. Mum used to call them and then, 20 to 30 minutes later, phone me panicking because she'd "called hours ago". Even though goldenballs lived a 10 minute walk away at the time and I'm an hour's drive away (nearer 2 hours if I was in the office).

Can I get some advice please.

My mother has an obsession with water. She has many tubberware boxes on the kitchen counters and every day she fills them with water to soak whatever she wants. A few months ago I even found her soaking all the household scissors. I was able to manage the situation by being excited that she found my scissors and thanking her for washing it. Otherwise they would have been left in water for hours or overnight rusting away.

She keeps buying reusable facial cleansing pads from Primark and she will stand at the sink lifting them up and down, up and down from a box of water. I think maybe soaking them would be more than enough. I don't critisise her work.

She actually reminds me of a child playing with water looking for a sensorial sensation.

She has a big massive pot that would hold approx 20 to 25 litres at a guess. Bought maybe 35 years ago. She doesn't use it for cooking any more.

Last year we had a big storm and a power cut for a week. Because the water stations are run by electricity even the water was limited. The news on the battery radio asked people to conserve water. She did the very opposite. She took out that big massive pot and filled it to the brim and boiled it on the gas cooker hob. She did that to have some hot water. However the washing didn't translate. It was only ever a bowl or two, or some plates and mugs. The majority of the water poured away and not used. When there was no need for it. The stuff could have been rinsed in a bowl of water and put into the dishwasher for when the power came back.

Anyways our central heating system is broken and the big pot is out again. Filled with water and sitting on the gas hob. Her executive functioning is awful. She will likely have the gas on all day. There is no need for that big huge massive pot of water. We have pots half the size and it would be more than enough if she felt she needed to boil water.

I think what she's doing is some sort of an old fashioned thing of boiling assive pot of water. Definitely something from her youth and childhood I think.

She doesn't use the pot every day or every week. It could be stored away for months. I need to get some advice please. When she puts it away again, I am thinking of just taking it away and not saying anything. This is such a huge waste of water and it's also an accident waiting to happen when she's boiling huge pots of water. Not to mention the gas to boil that water all day long. There's no need for it.

What do you guys think? I will be able to get a chance to take it away maybe some night when she is in bed perhaps.

Sounds like an accident waiting to happen. I'd be tempted to take the pot away as well before she drops boiling water all over herself/someone else. Can't give any advice on stopping the obsession though as I can't stop mum's either.

Can I join you in the cafe? I’m very worn down with the never ending stress and frustration of trying to support my very elderly and frail DM. We’ve never had a great relationship and she’s now hyper focused on her health/ feeling tired/ not eating and what’s someone to do something to solve the problems. Despite many £££ of NHS tests, scans, medications etc there isn’t a diagnosable underlying condition except for extreme old age. I can’t make her eat, and don’t want to effectively bully her about eating. I’ve kind of decided to drop the rope on the eating front. Can’t help feeling guilty but I’m all out of positive vibes.
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Welcome @Scaredeycat to the thread nobody wants to be in.

My DD and her partner actually work for the Ambulance Service , DD in the offices and her partner is an EMT so I’ll have a chat with them later. This is the fourth fall in the last year. The first time she fell I called 999 and DM ended up in hospital for months even though nothing was broken. I think she’s been exceptionally lucky not to break anything.

@TrayofRoses That sounds incredibly dangerous and is the sort of thing I'd be speaking to her GP about- you can tell them you think she's in real danger of causing herself serious injury and needing hospital treatment and they may contact her to come in for a 'wellness check'.

We have mum's full dementia assessment appointment coming up soon (she has already had various tests). They're coming to her home, which is great, but B has now decided that he wants to be there and Mum agrees with everything he says. They both want me there too as I have organised all her assessments etc and I want to be there as from experience I know that if I'm not they will forget to mention critical information, downplay her symptoms, claim that we can do all her care and come away claiming to have no idea what happens next. My question is, will 2 of us with her at the assessment seem a bit...much?

I suspect B's sudden interest in attending her appointment is down to a) a power play- he knows I don't want to be around him after his aggression towards me b) wanting to control the narrative; he doesn't want to admit that mum has dementia and only agreed that we should have the assessment to 'rule it out' c) wanting to make sure that he is portrayed as the kind caring son.

I suspect that as part of the assessment they will ask about the history of her symptoms (which include delusions). I have notes of 'episodes' as well as notes of my observations of tasks she struggles with. I'm sure that B will try to explain this all away and/or claim it doesn't happen any more. I think it's important that I am firm about this but I don't want to upset mum and make it harder to engage her in the process. Similarly, I suspect they will ask about what help/care she has and B will claim that she doesn't want strangers involved and 'we' will do whatever is necessary to look after her. I will have to make it clear that this is no true- I won't provide any more help than I already do and don't think B is able to provide everything she needs. If I was with her on my own, I know I would be able to provide tactful responses that make it clear she has symptoms/needs help without making her upset, but I know from experience that B will push against this.

Has anyone else had experience of similar issues and any tips on how to manage this without causing unnecessary distress to mum? Trying to persuade him to stay away won't work and mum will nod along to anything he says.

I am not interested in stopping the obsession with water because that will cause more harm than good. I was told before that when they are not hurting or harming anyone, leave them be. I won't be able to stop her from 'working' with water.

It's unnerving in the sense that I know there's something wrong but I do t have a diagnosis and everyone keeps writing me off. It is stressful. She reminds me so much of a child playing with water.

In relation to the big pot, I was thinking about taking it away even last year but I never did and I just feel that I need to take it away from her sight. Out of sight out of mind. Just take it away.

First of all it's such a huge waste. Say for example of we have a water shortage again and we are asked to converse water, she won't do it. She will do the opposite of what is asked of us. I also feel like it's an accident waiting to happen.

I think I might just take it away. There's no need for it. There's a lot half the size of it and it's still large enough. It's just so bad.

He executive functioning is brutal. It is so so so bad.

The boiler broke down the week before last and she doesn't want to phone a boiler repair but she wants me to do it. So I was going to phone but then she ordered me not to until next week which would have been this week.

When the boiler broke down, there she was clearing out the room ASAP as of the boiler repair man was going to come within a half an hour. She was OCD while at the same time she was ordering me not to phone him.

Her mind is seriously broken. It's executive functioning. It's brutal. Planning and organising. It's so bad.

I am so sick of her family. She comes from a large family of siblings. They never fell out but they are hardly talk to each other any more. There's only some Christmas cards every year but that's it. They won't pick up the phone and talk or meet for tea or anything. I have e an aunt living in America who wants to come home and .y mother has the space to help her for at a few months until she can buy a place of her own to retire into. But my mother won't help her. My mother says she will look for a place to rent but she's not able to too. It's not my place to do it either. I feel so bad for my aunt. She doesn't know if my concerns and I feel like I can't be open about it in case my mother hears it back.

Last week I got a second hand piece of information through my partner who works in a bad about an uncle being sick in hospital. The underlying message was to prepare for the worse but those words weren't said.

I know from previous news within her family that's passed around, mother isn't able to manage her emotions. Like I remember a cousin having a baby and it should have been a happy time for them but my mother started ranting abuse about my cousin and it was uncalled for calling him a little dick. It was disgusting. Another time last year a different brother of hers was sick, and my mother started ranting about the messagener person. So I decided not to say anything to my mother about a different brother in hospital. I think it was the right thing to do. She wouldn't have been able to process her emotions without a bitter rant and hate. I am so sick of it. Are any of her siblings talking to each other. I just don't know. She got a call from a different sibling and he never said anything about their other siblings being sick in hospital so he likely doesn't know.

I am just so sick of them all. They are all retired and they could all behave like a social network together. Even if it's just once a month meeting but no.