Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

@GnomeDePlume if it wasn’t for the fact her DB is of the more common utterly useless variety rather than the denying physical reality type, I might have thought you were my friend.

Back in December when we met up for a boozy lunch, she got the call through from the care home that they didn’t think her DM had much time left, and yet here she still is. I am sorry it must be so agonising for everyone.

@rookiemere thank you.

It is like some strange form of torture. Designed to up end normal sensibilities. No longer wanting your relative to live, instead wanting them to die to end the torture.

And we are all being tortured. For DM, her personality, intelligence, dignity are all gone. For DB, his beloved DM is slipping away but still he hopes and wishes her to get better. For things to go back to how they were. For me this is simply a long drawn out duty.

Is it ok to pop my head round and say hello?

I’ve been on MN for many, many years and have been aware of the Cockroach Cafe for a while. I have had a look now and then but I think it’s time for me to come by a bit more often (sometimes hard for me to follow as I’m in carers burnout and have adhd so my brain often just shuts down from the stress but I’ll try to keep popping in more regularly).

I’m completely and utterly frazzled if I’m honest. My parents are in their 80’s. Mum has been suffering from Alzheimer’s now for 8 years alongside many other serious health issues. 84 year old dad is actually in good health but it turns out is much harder work than mum due to his obtuse, pig headed and outdated attitude and ways and it’s fair to say that alongside helping to care for mum for the last 6 years as well as my own health issues (and not so fun perimenopause journey), I am well and truly on my knees. I am longing to find somewhere where others feel the same frustrations, anger, heartbreak and general exhaustion from helping their elderly parents navigate their own struggles.

Am I in the right place?

@GnomeDePlume I am sorry for all your sakes. I hope you are getting to spend some of your own time focusing on the joys of life however small, rather than spending all your time watching and waiting.

@rookiemere how are your DP's getting on in the care home.

DF is doing better since finishing his antibiotics for the latest UTI, more demanding again, but still confused. He demanded DH go over there yesterday to throw away a drawer full of old phones. It turned out they were remote controls for items that still work that he wanted to keep. He can't use them due to his eyesight, but they are a backup in case the one he uses stops working.

@MybosswasMrMcGee you are definitely in the right place. Feel free to vent and you won’t be judged, it’s all familiar territory.

Thank you BestIsWest

We had the assessment last week in Mum’s care home. We are at a later stage than myopic as Mum could hardly speak. .Two daughters attended and nurse just took details from us. Asked some basic questions of Mum, that she could not answer. Nurse phoned us back and confirmed diagnosis. Going back today for her to inform Mum, dreading this. One thing I did was make a list of examples of mental state, when she had delusions, paranoia and hallucinations and gave to the nurse with a rough timeline. To be honest in our case the dementia was very obvious and question was which kind. There will then be a care plan with medication.
Sending you best wishes in the hopeless situation we share. As a family we are on our knees

@MybosswasMrMcGee you are absolutely in the right place. Feel free to rant, to vent. There is no judgement here.

Hello and welcome @MybosswasMrMcGee - sounds like you're in the right place.
So sorry @GnomeDePlume - it's horrendous.

My DM was also put on a palliative care pathway after a trip to A&E from her care home with heart failure in January, but is still with us. She seemed to be improved after they stopped all her meds except for pain killers and diuretics, but remains confused, anxious, and mentally unstable. She can no longer stand or walk and is completely incontinent. It's no life really.

DF (90) is living at home and has recovered well from his surgery, although his mental decline seems to be accelerating, which is worrying- i blame the general anaesthetic...

My mental health has been saved by DB, who came and stayed with DF from December until last week, when he went back home (300 miles away). He definitely needed a break and has been an absolute godsend- so i guess he's the exception that proves the rule 🙂

Anyway, in the thick of it again now. Latest dramas include DF leaving his wallet in a public loo, so i had to cancel all his cards and try to get replacements ordered. Plus £120 in cash was nicked. This has left him with no access to any funds, so I am also having to pay for stuff until new cards arrive. There is also a D&V bug at DM's care home, so they are recommending not to visit. DF wants to go anyway, but it would be a real problem if DH and I get it, as we run a microbusiness (i.e. just me and him) and everything would have to stop, which means no money coming in. Think I have persuaded DF not to go, but don't trust him not to go up in a taxi and not tell me... he completely ignored lockdown rules during COVID...He has innumerable appointments he expects me to take him to...the one I told him I couldn't (pre-booked appointment with DS), he went in a taxi and had his wallet nicked. I told DB, but now feel guilty for not letting him have a proper break.

Sigh. Sorry, I don't post often, but I follow the threads.

@MybosswasMrMcGee you’re definitely in the right place. This group has kept me sane (ish) over the past year.

@Choconuttolata thanks for asking. The DPs settling into care home is actually the inverse of what I expected. DF seems happy enough- more so when we discovered that the care home cafe serves wine in the afternoon- probably a good thing he’s unlikely to remember where it is without me. The place was full !
DM is very unsettled and has a catalogue of woes about the staff who all seem very nice to me. I think there’s a few things going on - she finally had some nice carers at home and the new ones are struggling to understand her because English isn’t their first language and her speech is much worse than she thinks, also I think managing the bits of paperwork that came through the door gave her something to do oh and worrying about DF. I have given her a big print puzzle book and she seems to like that because she grabbed it and started doing some.
Physically they are both much better now they are getting regular appropriate sized meals.

So probably about as good as I can hope for and it’s a 5 minute drive which is so much easier. I thank goodness every day that they could afford this option now they finally agreed to it.

My partner works in a bar and I find out through him that one of my mother's brothers is sick in hospital. I think he is approx 80 years old and he was in a nursing home for a long time. Anyways I find out through my partner and the pub that he is in hospital. It was a message from a cousin to be passed onto me to be passed onto my mother.

He is in ICU with sepsis. I don't know what the aim is of telling me. Are we supposed to prepare for the worst here? I doubt he will be allowed visitors.

I am absolutely furious. I get a message through the pub to pass onto my mother. My mother comes from a large family of siblings and not one of them could pick up the phone to phone her to let her know. I find out through the pub from my partner yet again.

So here I am supposed to me a messager and pass this onto my mother. I know her now so much. She won't be able to cope with that information. It will result in anger, hate and bitterness and rants to me about her brothers ex wife and everything else and that will be her way of processing it. It will likely result in increased agitation with her too.

I think I won't be telling her and if his condition declines so be it. I will let her know if there's anything else final from him that's if I hear from the pub.

I am furious. I hear second hand information from the pub. This has been happening for a few years.

I think maybe some of my mother's siblings are not happy with my mother and with the way she is and the fact that she can't maintain contact or a relationship with them however they have no idea that I am highly suspecting dementia with my mother. It's something I am not able to announce to the family because it will likely be viewed as gossip and if my mother hears it back, it will be another thing for hate for her.

I think I may start a new thread about this but as you are all very well versed in the decline of parents I would appreciate your opinion.

My mum had a CHC assessment this week as she has recently had her needs reassessed and moved from residential to nursing care. She is 93 with dementia. As part of the review I learned that:
She weighs 90lbs / 5st 10 / 41.2kg. She was never quite 5ft so is tiny but that is obviously underweight. In July 2024 she was weighed as 97lbs while in hospital. Am not sure if she then gained weight since hospital and has lost it or when the additional 7lbs was lost.
She was graded during the CHC assessment as having the highest possible level of needs for cognition and communication so the dementia is advanced. She has high support needs re mobility as well but can still walk. But she has no primary illnesses and has low support needs with food and drink as she can feed herself.
Because of her age and low BMI and mobility she has a waterlow score of 18 which is at the top end of high risk for pressure sores.

One outcome of the assessment was that they suggested she start drinking Ensure supplements to ‘build her up’. I can’t decide if this is appropriate for someone her age with advanced dementia and a relatively low quality of life. I am not sure I want to build her up so she extends her existence by several more months or years. I have health POA and she gave me authority to decide on life sustaining treatments. I know if she had a higher BMI she might reduce the risk of pressure sores but I don’t know how well these drinks achieve weight gain. She does have an appetite currently so perhaps she will enjoy them and she will see some benefit.

Has anyone any experience of their relatives drinking them and the benefits they had on their relative? Are these just part of standard nursing home protocol?

The build-up drinks seem to be the care home's go-to @Choux. They give them to my mother who is just over 5 stone and has zero appetite. I can't say she has gained any weight in the year she has been on them - lost more actually, as she doesn't finish them, or her meals. You would be right to refuse them if that was her wish expressed when she still had capacity. It occurs to me that a very old person with no body fat is going to deteriorate very quickly if they get a vomiting bug, as the body has nothing left to dip into during protracted periods of sickness and diarrhoea. And as harsh as this sounds, maybe nature knows what it's doing when someone is that old and infirm.

These type of drinks were tried with my DM with zero success. She had an avid dislike of milkshakes and pretty much all dairy except cheese and ice cream.

Care Homes are in a bit of a bind. Their job is to keep feeding the resident until actively told to stop.

I am hoping she just doesn’t like them and won’t drink them. As @AInightingale says a bout of pneumonia or other short illness which can’t be fought off due to frailty is a much better exit than having several of these illnesses which you manage to overcome because you have been given daily fortified drinks so you can exist for another year or two.

The trouble is, the interim period of frailty is miserable stuff like pressure sores and leg ulcers, and maybe good nutrition can help with that.
It's all rather shit really.

My ER has emailed a supplier to query bills. We did actually email them two days ago. I don't know whether she's forgotten, but TBH if anyone can deal with multiple emails from a slightly confused old lady, it's a supplier of mobility aids to the elderly. I'm just going to let that all play out for now.

I also wonder whether she's blithely "forgetting" all about the meal plan we created and shopped for, but if she'd rather complain about her leg than try things to help heal it, her choice I guess.

I miss my Mum. Sometimes she didn't make healthy choices, but by gum she owned them, and she scraped every ounce of living out of the life she had. Her last weekend out of hospital - at some event at a hotel, towing her portable oxygen machine around with her. You never had to persuade her to try to enjoy herself!

.............but TBH if anyone can deal with multiple emails from a slightly confused old lady, it's a supplier of mobility aids to the elderly. I'm just going to let that all play out for now.

I have to say that this made me laugh immoderately.

I need a drink. I joined a wellbeing event at work this morning, aimed at those suffering from stress and feeling overwhelmed.

It was not useful. A lot of trite advice about managing your time and taking time for you. Somebody mentioned their very active social life and how they try and keep a weekend day free so they don’t get overwhelmed.

Then somebody else mentioned feeling overwhelmed by having to care for children and elderly parents simultaneously. And the person facilitating the session was so dismissive and said this is because of women now being in the workplace and it only lasts a short time anyway! At that point somebody else responded she’d been caring for a disabled child for 15 years and now had frail parents in addition. Facilitator had no helpful suggestions for that one!

Let me guess @EmotionalBlackmail, the facilitator suggested 'a nice relaxing hot bath', 'deep breathing exercises' or 'a good night's sleep'? Or perhaps 'switching your phone off for a few hours'?

Spot on there!

I liked the way the person with the active social life (presumably entirely their choice rather than having to drive their children and/or elderly parents to their active social lives) was congratulated for keeping a weekend day to themselves.

I can’t remember the last time I had a weekend day to myself. Maybe about ten years ago?

@EmotionalBlackmail those sessions are often such trite rubbish. When I started my role as head of an L&D dept, I scrapped all those things, because they don't take account of all the internal and external barriers people may have to looking after their own needs. I know for me a lot of why I do so much for family to my own detriment is to do with conditions of worth - I am not valued unless I'm useful, helpful, productive.

DGM's discharge is done and she's home. I took some dependent leave to get it sorted. Didn't stop for 2 days. She's terribly frail and very tired. The penny may drop now I've gone and DF isn't due there until next week that she actually does need these extra carer visits.

Last night met up with friends on my way home and got pished. Will be wending my way back home this morning after a large coffee and a fry up at the hotel! Not what they tell you to do on wellbeing courses, but it did me some good to have a laugh and not think about care plans, referrals, mobility aids, fall alarms, etc.

If anyone deserves a full on night out, it’s you @CrazyGoatLady ! Making time to see friends is I think encouraged as a “good thing”.

That sounds like a very sensible wellbeing activity @CrazyGoatLady! And far better than any of the suggestions from the wellbeing workshops I’ve been on.

When I worked we had a carer run support group. That was really effective but the was zero HR input, it was set up by a colleague who was a carer and recognised the group but our employer did also have a more formal carer network who made representations about policy etc and supported people whose managers were not understanding. Some of the online support stuff was 😂 though.

I don't even bother with the 'wellbeing' sessions as the only time I would get to do them at work would be on my day off, so no chance then!

@CrazyGoatLady glad you had a good time. Hopefully the reality will begin to dawn now that your DF can't help and you are not there to ride to the rescue.

This week I have been to a forest bathing session, I was all rested and chilled out. So I decided to end the week going to see a loud alt rock band with my daughters to blow out my ear drums.

We were late to the start of the band's set because DF's carer called because he refused to eat dinner, so DH went up there to check on him. He was fine and just didn't want to eat. He had to put himself to bed last night as DH was with DS who refused to leave the house and we were not home yet.

DH is also quite unwell, it was just a cold, but now he is feverish and he always gets a little delirious with a fever. He kept telling me this morning that I could open the window if I wanted. I can't reach the top window, so then he said that the horses heads at the top of the curtains could help me. I bet DF has the same thing brewing, at least I got to have some fun while it lasted.