Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

@CrazyGoatLady getting pushed with friends or eating too much cake is what people actually do.

I got a text at a quarter to bloody eight this morning, which made no sense at all but that's speech to text for you. Clearly she's alive and texting though so ... Super, I guess.

Does anyone listen to The Archers? There's a storyline at the moment about elderly and frail Carol Tregoran who has sacked her cleaner and is refusing to allow her daughter to support her in getting other help in. It resonated with me after last year with FIL... I suspect the writer also has lived experience 🙄

@Mumbles12 I don’t listen to the Archers anymore but good to know it’s getting an airing as a topic. There was quite a realistic portrayal on that recent series Riot Girls ( or called something like that). At the time I thought it was overkill that two of the main characters had parents with dementia, but actually now looking at one group of friends, out of the five of us three have DPs with very serious health issues requiring lots of help, one with an elderly aunt and our other friend is looking on with horror and keeping her fingers crossed that it doesn’t become her turn - but it more than likely will.

DF is settling well into the care home - DH visited this afternoon and they enjoyed a cheese platter with wine ! Unfortunately DM has really deteriorated mentally, I had hoped she would perk up with new people to talk to but sadly she is beyond that.

My lovely DM is getting confused about where I am. According to my DF she sometimes now thinks I am in her parents’ home (the house was sold long ago and both of her parents are long dead). It has made me rather sad and I just wanted to mention it to someone. She’s a beautiful soul and I love her so much. I found a photo of her aged around 30 the other day and can’t reconcile the image with where she is now.

It's the first time my mum hasn't phoned to wish me happy birthday. I know it's on her calendar.

Happy Birthday @countrygirl99. I hope you have had a nice day . I am sorry your DM didn’t remember.

Day has been mixed. Spent this morning checking/cleaning dormouse nesting boxes ready for the spring in lovely sunshine., had a lovely meal out with DH this afternoon but horse is poorly and it's getting concerning. Having an elderly horse is as worrying as an elderly parent sometimes.

@countrygirl99 I can’t give any helpful advice on elderly horses - not that my elderly parents advice is any good either- but at least it can’t talk back!

Happy belated birthday @countrygirl99. Best wishes to your horse too. Seeing four legged family getting elderly is tough too. My beloved no 1 dog is looking a bit stiff at the moment (he’s nearly 11).

I am having a weekend off DM as DB is back from his holiday and last week was a bit tough. I had the most ridiculous accident in DM’s.

I tripped carrying a tray of curry into her for her tea, knocked her walking frame, a side table and two cups of coffee all over the place, DM has has a nasty cut on her leg and I have a sore knee. I’ve had to shampoo her carpet to get the curry out, go to the pharmacy to get a dressing for her leg and wash all her clothes, cushions and bedding as there was coffee, curry and blood everywhere!

The following day I was stiff as a board and had to miss my regular garden volunteering which gutted me. But the worst thing apart from the guilt at injuring poor DM was that I felt so totally alone. DH is suffering with some form of arthritis in his hands and couldn’t drive up to help me, DB and SIL were on holiday, DCs 60 miles away. I just sat in the car and cried.

Happy birthday for yesterday. It’s a horrible milestone when your mother forgets it’s your birthday. Of all the people in the world, she’s going to be the one to remember given her role in the origin of the date. For me it really was an indicator that Mum-as-I-knew-her was gone.

Could it be that your mum just forgot what the date was?

Hi folks
Still plodding on here...
Mum is now 38kgs - but insisting she's eating 🤷‍♀️
I saw her emergency falls bracelet on her table, not on her wrist (I didn't comment)
She seems happy. I'm a lot happier.
I haven't heard from the opg about the poa which is concerning me.
Off to deal with the other side today - helping pils sort aunts house. Another totally avoidable disaster waiting to happen 🤷‍♀️

Most likely she just didn't have a clue what day it was as she'd put it in her calendar weeks ago.

Happy Birthday @countrygirl99 I am glad you got to enjoy the sunshine and have a nice meal even if the rest of the day was a bit mixed.

There is a sadness that goes with the realisation of that milestone isn't there @funnelfan, my DF didn't remember my birthday either recently for the first time. He doesn't really know what day it is now despite getting his newspaper delivered. He doesn't seem to read them anymore.

Oh no @BestIsWest, these things happen. I hope you and your Mum are healing okay, it must have been a shock.

In other news I have worked out how to turn off notifications for text messages on my phone. I still receive them and can check them whenever I want. I just don't know if any have arrived unless I go and look.
A suspicious silence today from ER. Possibly because in the last few days I ignore any unimportant wibbling and just ask about aspects of the meal plan or how many times she has gone for a little walk 😈

I've had to do the same with texts, I no longer have my phone on Do Not Disturb overnight as I missed a call from a paramedic the care home had to get out for Dad in the middle of the night and I had already muted texts because of Mum but have now had to switch off all notifications because every time I picked up the phone the little red badge notification was making my blood pressure shoot up. Now I just check it a few times a day. Everyone else uses whatsapp so I am not missing anything.

@countrygirl99 💐

Looking back, forgetting birthdays was one of the first signs that things were on the skids with DM.

Taking it year by year, the first year she only remembered the day before and sent me 'next day' flowers (expensive and very unlike DM). The following year she forgot and was embarassed as she had also forgotten DGD's birthday which is the following day. The year after that she forgot both and just shrugged.

Birthdays had always been a big thing for DM. No treats during the year but treats, special food etc for birthdays. So forgetting was significant.

DB brushed it off at the time. What I dont think he realised was that DM was forgetting 3 birthdays as DF and I shared our birthday so the date was significant to DM.

I should be grateful as she's forgotten both my brothers for a few years now but mine is on a date that was significant for other reasons so was remembered. Now that doesn't register either and it's one more notch on the downward path. Like me taking her to the same Tesco every 2 weeks and every time getting "I've never been here before"

DM was chatty yesterday but making no sense. Asking if I had seen various relatives who were dead long ago.

I have realised that the reason DB thinks DM is not as bad as I think is that when he talks to her he doesnt give her much of a chance to speak. When she does say anything so long as she is agreeing with him 'Do you remember XYZ' 'Yes' or she echoes something he has said then to him that means she understands.

When DM is allowed to chat away then you realise that what she is saying is pretty much nonesense.

@countrygirl99 I understand. It isnt simply a birthday.

I was pleased to see that DM has written my birthday in her diary. Last year my brother bought her a card to write for me but the year before I had nothing. TBH. I was more upset at DB because his birthday is a week before mine (and follows his DW and DD’s birthdays) for all of which I’d bought cards for DM to write and arranged presents.

@GnomeDePlumemy DB does this. Denied there was anything different about “D”M as she seemed fine to him. It was only when I was staying with him and he phoned her whilst I was in the same room that I realised their phone “conversations”‘consisted of him talking about himself, with her occasionally agreeing or echoing back something he’d said!
Whereas I let her talk and can see how much she repeats or what doesn’t add up.

I know what you mean @BestIsWest I didn't expect my DF to remember this year TBH I knew that he was too confused. I did expect my DB to at least phone me, instead I got a text message late on the day and a promise to phone me the next day. He didn't bother phoning.

My DB also says my DF is fine because he sees him every 6 months and DF doesn't really do small talk anyway so grunts, yes/no answers is what you would usually get from him. It will be a shock for him when we eventually get an appointment at memory clinic and they give him a dementia diagnosis. We see him several times a week so the change in him is glaringly obvious.

Mum has forgotten my birthday a couple of times, but years ago...she wasn't elderly and frail then, she just didn't care! 🤣
I'm sorry for those whose parents did care and now can't remember, that must be tough 💙
Been to see mum, she's had a bad few days with her stomach again.
I casually said "I hope those test appointments come through soon.."
She just said "we'll see".
She's stopped taking the dietician prescription drinks
🤷‍♀️
Up to her.
I'll pop in again tomorrow and that's me done til next week ☺️
I got the temp job - it'll be some nice cash to sort out my awful bathroom shower.
Was at dhs aunts house for over 4 hours yesterday and there's still so much to do 😕
She had whole dinner services (5)
Wedgwood, colclough, spode...they never entertained! Ever.
Lots of car boot nasty stuff too that just got binned.
Sigh.
I don't want to leave my kids a mess like that pils are as bad
😕

I'm another who has observed my brother's 'conversations' with mum and why he doesn't notice that what she says is becoming increasingly odd. He tends to just tell her how she should feel/what she should think and she just agrees, or rants about how hard things are for him without her help and she says she will help again when she's better/agrees that extended family should be helping them both. So he will leave the 'conversation' believing that they've had a good discussion about something whereas she's just nodded and agreed, or occasionally complained about other people. Whereas I see it as a sign of her decline that she is complaining that relatives that they've barely seen or spoken to in years are not offering to effectively become carers for her/unpaid childcare for him. Eg. 'You're fine aren't you Mum, you just need a bit of company sometimes don't you? You would hate to have strangers in your home wouldn't you mum? We haven't heard anything from [relative with her own children and job] for a long time have we, and she said she'd keep in touch didn't she. She's another one who goes off on holidays without a care in the world whilst we have to deal with everything here'. etc etc. Which B interprets as 'Mum and I had a good chat about her health and whether she needs carers and she says she really doesn't. She's very disappointed that her family keep letting her down though and I think she's right.'

<Makes mental note to buy birthday card for self for DH to give to DPs to sign for forthcoming birthday >.

Well done on the job @Raven08 I enjoy my wee part time jobette. It gets me out of the house, earns some money and best of all takes my mind off things. Although fingers crossed we are through the worst of it, it’s now just endless paperwork, phone calls and buying things for them at the care home. At least sorting out the house and papers is a useful once and done process that we shall not need to repeat. I can’t remember if I said on here, but I actually had a pleasant visit to the care home yesterday, DM was much more settled and we chatted for a good few minutes until she got obsessed about something.

I am being harassed by their previous council as the care home asked us to bring any special equipment they used, apparently it was on loan and me offering to pay for it was not acceptable. DH threw out DMs inflated lilo bed thing as it smelled.