Cockroach cafe - Spring in autumn

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread for those of us dealing with elderly family members. All welcome.

A place to rant, discuss, vent, decompress. No judgement just solidarity.

Ok big breaths.
DM says she is ok on her own overnight. We will stay tonight as we need to go up to the hospital tomorrow but fingers crossed I should be ok for work.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOnethank you for recommending this space. My mum is now very close to death following her hip operation. It’s been such a horrible shock as we were told by the original hospital that she was medically well and they were discharging her to a community hospital. Within the space of one night there, she’d had terrible anxiety and is now on end of life care. I just don’t know how this could have happened

@westr I'm so sorry about what's happened to your mum.
How is your dad getting on?

I’m sorry about your mum @westr
@rookiemereyou couldn’t make it up. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with so much shit.
For all this morning.

Is that wine in your emoji? I definitely feel like dumping baileys into my coffee to cope but I am working later so I can't.

My mother is still haragueing me about helping her with renewing her passport. It's out of date. She applied for her passport about 2014 time. She still has the same passport pictures that she used back then. The current situation is that she wants to use the very same pictures that she used back then on her passport. I was telling her that the rule is the passport picture has to be recent within the past month and she asked me how would they know. I explained because it's the very same picture as your out of date passport from 12 years ago. She still kept asking me how would they know. She's not able to comprehend that it's the same picture that she used back then. The rule is the picture has to be recent.

I'm washing my hands of this now. I will not be helping.

I am also somewhat sad. It appears as if one of my brothers would like to see my mother go on holidays over to him. If that happens, there's no way I will be going on a holiday. I would love to but no way. She needs to go alone or with someone else. I think it would be a fantastic opportunity for them to see that there's something wrong with her. The key is, I can't go. I would be the familiar face and she will only just react and lash out at me. I think it would be a fantastic idea to have her go away on holiday for a month or so. She would be out of routine and a familiar place, whatever I am seeing now would likely come to the surface.

Omg.
Mum just let rip at me.
She wants to come home, no more tests, she doesn't want to know whats wrong.
🤷‍♀️
Wtf do I do now?

Are you in a hospital.

Maybe tell her to get the tests done to prove the doctors wrong. We need to show the doctors they are wrong with what they are saying.

I don't know your history though. That's just a quick response.

Tell your brother he will have to come over to collect her . If he wants to see her that much , it's up to him to make the effort .
Can you also tell your mother that they check the date stamp / serial number on the back of the photo now ( don't know if they even have one )
You could say they can now tell if it's recent because of the photo film it's printed on .

@rookiemere you said,
I have had some success with basically shutting down emotions when I go through the door and treating myself with a nice lunch or pack lunch in a favourite park after seeing them
I think I kind of got slightly too good at controlling my emotional reactions. Spent so much time having to keep a level head in the face of impending death etc that I can now come over as unsympathetic.

Reading books by WW1 soldiers who come back from the war and find it hard to care about everyday niggles - it's a faint and distant relation of that.

@TrayofRoses I guess you're not in one of those places where social housing in general is very tight but more available for the over 50s? Pity.

I'm at home.
My sister is going in tomorrow so if she wants to come home he can bring her.
I'm done.
I'm considering revoking the poa.

@Raven08 I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I think your response is very very natural.

Has your mother had enough? Is she wanting to come home to die? I know my mum just doesn't care any more and in some ways I absolutely get that. She lets the doctors do their thing, but isn't interested -- from her perspective she is old and falling apart and why not just go with that? Does it matter if it's (in her case) heart failure, kidney failure, cancer ... makes no odds. I'm looking at her and in many ways agreeing but trying to avoid a crisis which involves me and my sister needing to upend our lives, and her being in pain. If only it were all so easy ...

She's coming home today.
Further tests being arranged as an outpatient (can't make her go, though..)
I've told my siblings I'm done...its been 13 years of this shit.
I'm resigning as attorney - one of them can do it.
I'm so angry.

She makes such stupid decisions! Then I'm the one sorting out the inevitable mess
Well.
Not anymore.

Are you financial and health and welfare POA @Raven08? Sadly if she has capacity she can make as many poor decisions as she likes. The H&W POA means nothing until they lose capacity, but if you don't keep it then if decisions need to be made in future you won't be able to advocate for her wishes, doctors and social workers will decide.

You can step away from doing anything until she loses capacity anyway, but I would leave the POA in place.

@MysterOfwomanY I suspect I am also in danger of switching off the emotions too much, but it’s literally the only way I can (badly) cope.
DH was preparing me for DFs imminent death because of low heart rate and I said I was quite prepared for him to die but he wasn’t going to and instead would pull through be released and he and DM not really well enough to manage until they can get admitted to the care home which will be much worse than a nice clean death, and so it is indeed looking as if it will pan out.

Went to visit DF today and explained that we couldn’t come the next couple of days as we had to go to work. All fine he says and grateful that I had come and sorted out his blasted Daily Telegraph, his phone and left him some money. Phones DH an hour later to tell him he MUST sort out a barber to come and shave him as the razor the hospital has provided is not good enough.

We have come home. DM will have to manage, although I predict the next thing is that she won’t. We visited the shiny new care home today to beg them to take her asap, apparently even 1st April is not a hard date but a there or thereabouts. We are now wondering if we should find one nearer where we live, but that is yet another thing to sort out.

I am so tired of it all. The next fight will doubtless be the hospital wanting to discharge DF and expecting me to go up and do it. I literally cannot Wed-Fri as I will be working and DF is playing hardball as he has already been up on Sunday and overnight with me last night and today.

@Raven08 yes do your best to step back. At least you have siblings who “should “ pick up some of the load.

@Raven08 well, as you think she's making stupid decisions, whip out the Shit Sandwich and go,

Mum I love you and I want to see you well and happy (lie if need be)

BUT

I think the doctors know what they're doing and I'm not going to support you in doing something dangerous like discharging AMA

I am sorry you are unwell and I know hospital is crap, but it's the safest place, loveyoubye

Then head under the duvet for some primal scream therapy and cries of, Why are they like this???!!

💐

Goodness me it's been busy here. Welcome to the newbie 'roach cafe-ers!

@rookiemere it all sounds exhausting and I really feel for you.

@Raven08 same - totally sounds like you're at the end of your tether with it and can't blame you, the endless cycle of admission then home and not coping then admission again is so draining.

The big news here is that DGM has been discharged - to intermediate care, which they were adamant on Friday could not possibly happen! Getting PALS involved shifted the dial.

It's not the place we would have preferred, as it can't offer permanent care. But better than home with 4 useless council carer visits a day, they did nothing last time she had them in.

Next challenge will be getting another care needs assessment, possibly an assessment for NHS Continuing Healthcare, and ultimately convincing DGM to go into residential care after the intermediate place. Her consultant feels she should be in residential nursing care, but of course it now won't be his decision. She'll be self funding of course, and we'll have to sell her house to pay for it if NHS CHC is refused, but I'd rather there was no money left than go through another round of this. DF is broken and I'm exhausted. If she insists on going home against medical advice, I'm going to have to say I'm not doing this any more, let the chips fall where they may.

@CrazyGoatLady that does sound like a step in the right direction, I do hope your DGM gets the right assessment.

@CrazyGoatLady
Glad the pals complaint got a more positive result x
Wrt mum - I simply refuse to spend another minute of my life sorting out her life.
My siblings have not responded to a single message today...which doesn't surprise me, but I do feel somewhat like I've left her to the vultures.
I shall do what they have done for over a decade and visit once per week for 20 mins 👍

Sounds like a plan @Raven08 , let the chips fall where they may and save your own sanity.

Good news @CrazyGoatLady hopefully the intermediate care will give longer for them to see the reality of your DGM's care needs.

Crossing fingers for you @rookiemere, but if it all falls apart while you are at work it will definitely prove your point that residential care is needed. Saying no to helping with discharge might keep your DF in a bit longer too.

Another UTI and increased confusion for DF here, antibiotics started today after GP phoned with the results hopefully they will kick in quickly.

We need to avoid another hospital admission, but I am not hopeful. I am off work with massive relapse of my chronic health condition exacerbated by stress, so I can't physically sit for hours in A&E and youngest DC currently has chickenpox for the second time so it would be very bad timing.

Oh @Choconuttolata
That is a LOT 😕
Hope dc is ok x

Yes. Absolutely 💯 protecting my own sanity and health now (I have a chronic condition too)

It'll be fine. Or it won't. Either way, it's not my problem now.

When the Ukrainian war started in 2022, there was a lot happening at the time and in the news. Many people adapted by reducing energy use within their homes. For example not using tumble dryers as much, reducing washing temps in washing machines, doing quick washes on clothes, having energy plans, etc.

My mother was never able to adapted to the energy crisis. I grew up and the tumble dryer was only ever used towards the end of line drying outside for about 5 to 10 minutes. My mother only ever increased her use of the tumble dryer. She can still manage a lot of laundry but the majority of her washing loads is 60degrees with extra rinse in the washing machine. That goes for even her every day clothes. A lot of her clothes are so worn from being washing consistently on high temperatures. There is approx one wash a week or every two weeks where she would use a quick wash of 40 degrees and that's usually for 30 minutes and that's for her jeans.

I just think there's so many ways around the home energy can be reduced. But mother has no comprehension. The bills are not too bad. They are ok-ish. The last bill was 250 for two months. She becomes anxious about the bills even though I am at home to help. She's not able to comprehend her energy use and likes to blame me. I bought a dehumidifier a few months ago and I have it in a smart plug. It approx 21 a month. It really isn't bad.

I am no petrified because of the war that is escalating and energy prices are likely only going to go up and up and up and up.

When the next bill comes in she will likely only just blame me. When the washing machine could be reduced to 40 degrees.

She's always doing extra rinses because I think she is paranoid of germs or something. I don't know.

A lot of the time I have to try and off set all of this by doing a presoak in a bucket in the bathroom and doing a 20 minute 30 degree wash. To try and hopefully keep energy use reduced. Now with the war escalating in the east, I am petrified. She has no understanding. She was gifted an electric blanket a few years ago. I don't know what her usage is with that too.

Update on my dad, he broke his cheek bone but luckily it's stable . My sister has had a bad few days with him regarding a med alert but he finally agreed when she threatened him with our mum haunting him.

We're just waiting for our house to sell but I'm torn between staying here where I can help DD or by moving over there but that means my grandson wont have me on tap for babysitting, my choice not hers.

@Choconuttolata that sounds hard, the stress of it all must really have got to you ti cause a flare. Look after yourself.

@TrayofRoses very difficult when your mum and you don't share the same mindset about reducing the bills. We always struggled with DGM to get her to heat the house enough, wartime frugality in her case had become such a habit. Funny how people are affected like that in different ways by their experiences. Are you/your mum claiming all the benefits she's entitled to to help with costs, assuming you're in the UK that is?

@CharlotteCChapel good luck with your upcoming decision about where to move next.

@Raven08 sending strength to you for your resolution to step back!