Cockroach cafe - Spring in autumn

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread for those of us dealing with elderly family members. All welcome.

A place to rant, discuss, vent, decompress. No judgement just solidarity.

I may be a lone voice, but I rather like the name. It’s in Elderly Parents so it should be not too hard to decipher the purpose of the thread. I think it signifies a lot, like nobody particularly wants to be in a cockroach cafe and something around the longevity but hard to find enjoyable nature of a cockroach, or maybe I just read too much into things - who knows!

@PermanentTemporary if only DM going into a home would reduce the burden, sadly I am pretty sure it will increase it as DFs memory is so shot and he is so unwilling to accept help - he begrudgingly accepts it from us but infuriatingly acts as if he could do these things alone. That’s part of the whole ghastliness, whatever happens next is bound to be worse. DF refuses to go into a home so we just have to wait until either he passes away or he gets to the point where he is forced in through DOL, or - the option that isn’t happening- I sacrifice myself and move in with them/him.

I’m not a huge fan of the name, but I think it serves the very useful purpose of keeping the random ‘you should feel lucky/privileged to have aged parents to care for’ posters away from the thread.

(Bugger, realised I name changed since I joined the last thread on which I was BigBootsWeather- reporting for duty as unpaid PA to the Useless Brothers Department)

I think the rather obscure and random name of the thread is actually very fitting and as a pp mentioned probably puts off some who might otherwise take a peek (expecting something fluffy and cosy) and tell us all to be nicer and how they would (hypothetically) do anything for their parents etc. Although many of us are facing similar issues the only thing that we absolutely all seem to share is the relentless yet unpredictable challenges of trying to stay sane whilst helping elderly relatives.

I mostly lurk, but do like the name of the Cafe! As others have already said, the name seems to deter the sanctimonious, and I regularly see posters who are in need be directed here.

And I see the origin story as fitting with the notion and reality of very old age as being a second childhood. When my DS was little, the Animal Man was a regular at toddlers groups with a selection of small creatures, and now my DF is in a nursing home, I see him being visited by a selection of similar small creatures. Some with hard shells!

I do get this, while the vampire bedbug experience made me feel actually quite kindly disposed to the largely vegetarian cockroaches, i do feel in need of a "hanging on to ourselves" concept. Days like today have been wiped out with DER admin and I realised at 2pm I was still in my pajamas. I flung on the nearest dayclothes, scraped my hair into a ponytail, and skittered off to the shop before the schoolkids invaded. I need a haircut, some new shoes, and time to put myself together. DH sometimes looks sorrowfully at me and quotes Fleur de la Couer "she 'as let 'erself go".

I like the name too. It always reminds me of my DM rant about the "animal" visiting her in the rehab hospital a few years ago. Her animal was a very cute little fluffy dog, he even has a picture on the "meet the staff" board.

Newbie here, I had no particular feelings about the thread title till the discussion today but like the slightly obscure notion and also that of continuity. I am on another very long running thread and a similar principle seems to work for the purpose of keeping out posters who don't "get it" and acts as a thread for those who have taken time out to find us again. I also quite like thinking "I have been on the X thread for 15 years now".

I misread your post @ElderlyDilemmas and thought you said you had been on Cockroach cafe for 15 years and was about to offer you a very large virtual gin. Have one anyway- I am sure you deserve it !

I was on what I thought of as quite a long-running uni thread, and it was all over in just over 3 years of course. Like a flash in the pan compared to the, I’m going to say 7 years since I moved into the bad daughters’ room, though I don’t think I’ve been actually on the thread that long. For me, I like cockroach cafe as a name because it’s unmistakable- no other thread name like it!

I admit to rather liking the Cockroach Cafe continuity. None of us want to be here yet here we all are.

It’s the Fledglings Flylady thread over in Housekeeping that I have been on for 15 years which is basically my child rearing years and as soon as my DCs start getting a bit more independent and freeing up my time then bang, my parents suck it all up instead. Six months ago I used to speak to them on the phone once a week or so and see them for a few hours once a month or so, now I have to visit at least once a week and am dealing with phone calls, emails and texts what feels like all day every day both with them and all their numerous providers of services etc. So the housekeeping has slipped again.

@ElderlyDilemmas well I guess at least my DPs do take away any notions that our house might be well cleaned. Similar situation- DPs live an hour away and up until DMs fall in April they were managing reasonably well with fortnightly “social” visits and regular calls. DS19 had headed off to uni and DH and I were literally just back from a wonderful holiday to Costa Rica and saying how we should do more long haul whilst we were still up to it.

Pah - now reduced to mini breaks and the occasional daring week. We have flights booked for a fortnight in May/June - free BA companion voucher and I haven’t even bothered looking at hotels or planning an itinerary.

@rookiemere I'm in a similar situation. My DC have both reached an age where they can happily fend for themselves (and grumpy dog) for a few days and DH and I had just started enjoying occasionally going away just the 2 of us. We even dared to say out loud that we were actually really enjoying having older teens and feeling quite smug about our new found freedom. It feels like we have tempted fate now, and loads of my available time off from work is being spent taking days off for mum's medical appointments etc. We did manage a couple of days away a few months ago and it was nice but I still had to deal with numerous phone calls (including 5.30am).

I hope your DH is "joking". If not, give him a well aimed kick.

I've certainly let myself go fitness wise, I had got into a really good exercise routine once my oldest was at uni amd it has fallen by the wayside. I am trying to get back into routine but it just adds to the juggling.

Thanks for the thread. I’d like to follow for advice

I also quite like the name, and I'd be fully satisfied if somebody could explain to me, in words of one syllable, once and for all, about its inception and adoption.

And please don't quote that story about the nursing home, the DM and her helpful DB again because it doesn't make sense to my autistic brain

Anyway I'm sorry for derailing the thread and perhaps we should get back to just supporting one another.
I graduated some time ago (under a different user name).

(I'm a very longtime lurker and occasional poster under different names)

For Broon:

Yolo's DM was in a nursing home. One of the activities for the residents was a 'Meet the Animals' where (presumably) an outside company brought in various animals to meet/ hold.
Yolo's DM was given a 'small animal with a hard back' to hold, (presumably) a tortoise.
When describing the activity to Yolo's DB, DM couldn't remember the species of this animal. Hearing the 'small animal with a hard back' description, DB, who sounds like a bit of a self-appointed comedian, suggested it was a cockroach. Which it can't have been, but sounds funny to suggest it might have been.
Other posters on the thread then adopted it as a symbol of the odd things elderly parents can say, their memory loss, and the (lack of) comedy skills of helpful DBs.

My DH is a saint. I'm truly blessed.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne I am guessing that the smallcreature with a hard back was a tortoise, but when she was describing it the DB suggested "cockroach" as a joke.

I hadn't read the explanation and thought the title referred to the terrible infestations in our dear elder relatives' homes. I seriously worry that there is a major health crisis looming with all these silly old dears refusing to have cleaners.
God forgive me, but long life is a curse if it ends in a state of dereliction.

I was reading on the BBC website about how many people are stuck in hospital basically because there is nowhere else for them until care packages or care home places can be found.

We have been lucky in that DMIL and now DM were self funding. We have also been lucky in the sense that there was no viable alternative to a CH for either of them. In many ways it has been easy as both were widowed so no spouse to account for.

Now I am wondering how DH and I will negotiate this final stage. It's a depressing thought. Come kindly bombs.

We had that last year with DM who was stuck in our local rehab ward for about a month waiting for Social Services to organise a care package. And now they’ve closed that ward so God knows what happens.

I had to bring my parents to a funeral this week and I was absolutely shattered after it. I had to keep away for a few days.

For those still unsure why Cockroach cafe is an apt name for our threads, I asked copilot to explain to an autistic person why a thread about demanding elderly parents might be called that.

I won’t quote all of it but basically it’s a metaphor around cockroaches.

It says people often use “cockroach “ metaphorically to describe something that:
is hard to get rid of
keeps coming back
survives no matter what
drains your energy.

Its not meant literally. Its a way of expressing “this situation is relentless and exhausting “.

Cafe is a shared space where people come to vent or support each other.

Put together: “Cockroach Cafe”= a place to talk about problems that won’t go away.

Its not calling the parents cockroaches.
Its describing the situation as something that keeps coming back and wearing people down.

It also says that people use dark humour to cope with stress as it helps them feel less alone, releases frustration and makes a painful situation feel lighter. But the humour can be confusing if you interpret language literally.

@rookiemere describes it perfectly.

I find copilot very helpful for lots of things, including giving advice on how to handle visits with DPs, good words to use with social workers and often emotional support. Although it does quite often say that it’s not a professional counsellor and maybe I should speak to a real person, which is where you lot come in !