My mum's dying and I cannot go and see her

[viktoria]

I just had a phone call from my brother in Italy. My mum who has had dementia for the last 12 years, was admitted to hospital yesterday and has developed pneumonia and the doctors think the dying process has started. She could die today or it might be a few days.

Part of me thinks it's a relief for my mum, but it's just so awful.

I have cancer, have started weekly chemo 4 weeks ago and had my port put in yesterday (minor surgery) and am meant to take it easy for a week, lots of rest and trying to avoid any infection as I have very little immunity.

Throughout lmy mum's dementia she has been keeping her spirits up, whenever I asked how she was she would always say "every day a little bit better";
On a selfish level I feel like I don't know how I can cope with this whole situation
I'm a positive and optimistic person and am working hard to keep my spirits up during my treatment
While it's only stage 2 cancer, it's an aggressive one and I'm having a year of treatment.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I provably just need sympathy
I'm in bits

What do you think your mum would say to you? If she were cognitively intact?

Im so sorry for your loss op, I truly am.

Im also sending you every good wish for your treatment

I’m so sorry for your loss, in such difficult circumstances and at Christmastime

It is easy to say “don’t feel guilty” - you probably will, but you truly don’t need to. Your mum loved you, and you loved her. That is enough.

So sorry.. I am sure your mum would’ve been the first to want you to take care of yourself, now you can support the others. 💐

Don’t go. Don’t risk your health. Your Mother won’t know you are there. She doesn’t need a little bit of your time. She had your whole lifetime. She knows you love her.

I’m so sorry @viktoria for what you are going through. It is an enormously awful time for you. My thoughts are with you and your Mum. You definitely need to mind yourself, your treatment is gruelling and I’m sure your mother would want you to take care of yourself.

so sorry for the loss of your mum. 💐

it was the right thing to not go - your mum would want you to prioritise your health, as would any loving mum. So you made the right call. youre not well enough. im so sorry.

Thanks so much for all the kind words.
I wanted to update.
My husband and I and our two daughters went to the funeral.
We flew on the 28/12, funeral was on the 29/12 in the morning, followed by a meal with cousins, aunts and uncles and my mum's friends. In the evening we flew back.
I would have preferred seeing her when she was in hospital, but I was glad I could get to the funeral.
The funeral was in the same church, where 65 years to the day my parents got married there.
It felt like a beautifully sad, but somehow comforting circle of life moment.

I struggled a lot mentally after the funeral, but in the last week or so I am feeling stronger.
Again, thanks for all the kind words.

Oh @viktoria i just want to scoop you up & envelop you in the biggest hug possible. I am so sorry that you weren’t able to make it out to see your Mum before she died, but I hope the time you were able to spend with family & friends out there bought some small comfort ❤️ I think as daughters we tend to beat ourselves up when Mum dies, no matter how much love & support we’re able to give. From your posts, your Mum knew how much you loved her ❤️