My mum's dying and I cannot go and see her

[viktoria]

I just had a phone call from my brother in Italy. My mum who has had dementia for the last 12 years, was admitted to hospital yesterday and has developed pneumonia and the doctors think the dying process has started. She could die today or it might be a few days.

Part of me thinks it's a relief for my mum, but it's just so awful.

I have cancer, have started weekly chemo 4 weeks ago and had my port put in yesterday (minor surgery) and am meant to take it easy for a week, lots of rest and trying to avoid any infection as I have very little immunity.

Throughout lmy mum's dementia she has been keeping her spirits up, whenever I asked how she was she would always say "every day a little bit better";
On a selfish level I feel like I don't know how I can cope with this whole situation
I'm a positive and optimistic person and am working hard to keep my spirits up during my treatment
While it's only stage 2 cancer, it's an aggressive one and I'm having a year of treatment.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I provably just need sympathy
I'm in bits

Oh sweetheart, you poor love.

Lots of love. What an awful situation.

I lost my mother last year and remember the emotional process—and that was being able to be with her in her final weeks. Your situation is far harder and I am so sorry.

You will need some FaceTime meetings set up. Lots of calls.

We did this with my family overseas who couldn’t get to my mother.

The last days were precious but so were the days in all the years before. It sounds as if she knows you love her and that’s the most important thing.
💐

Oh, what a difficult situation. Sending you lots of love 💐

I am so sorry to hear about your mum situation.

Losing mum is incredibly painful.

My mum was in the nursing home abroad because of her dementia.

Then she developed Covid.

I couldn't fly as the borders we closed.

Even if I had managed to sneak myself into the country I wouldn't have been allowed on Covid ward (the rules in my country at the time).

Everyone told me not to travel abroad s that not to risk my life because of my young children (it was very early days and lots of fear)

My mum passed away. The borders were still closed. My friend had to organise the funeral.

There was nothing for me to do but pray.

A few weeks after my mum's passing I had a very distinct experience. I am now certain my mum heard my prayers and she was OK

I hope it helps

Are you clinically unfit to travel op?

I missed my mum's death by a couple of hours. If there's any way you can travel, go.

If not then my heart hurts for you for everything you're going through. Be kind to yourself xxx

It would be difficult anyway, but is made so much worse by your helplessness at the moment, and also it’s making you face your own mortality with the cancer treatment.
You are stronger than you think. You can get through this.💐

Thank you, everybody.
My mum is on morphine and can't communicate and doesn't react.
I know that dying people can hear longer than they can communicate.
I wasn't thinking that I could go, I wouldn't be able to travel by myself. I assume my husband could come with me. Our children are early 20s
I just checked flights. There is availability.
I could fly tomorrow morning and return on the 23rd in time for my next chemo
I'm not sure if I'm up to it but will speak with my cancer nurse

Oh that sounds unbelievably tough. Could your brother set up a FaceTime call, so that you can talk to your mum and she can see/hear you?

So difficult. I’m not sure I would have been up for travelling the day after getting my port put in when having weekly chemo. As you say it’s the lowered immunity that I’d be worried about. Ask your nurse, see what they say and go if you possibly can. Thinking of you.

Sorry, crossed post with you @viktoria

If you can cope with the travel (book assistance at the airport so less walking) then going will make the inevitable slightly better for you, but buy a couple of good quality masks for the plane, for your own safety that is. Thinking of you, it’s so tough and you do need to think what is right for you, your mum would want that

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Please don’t put your life and health at risk. Your mum knows you love her and she would want what’s best for you. I faced a similar situation with my dad last year, I couldn’t travel to UK to see him in his final days, or for the funeral (due to my disability) but kept in touch with my siblings who were there and we all supported each other and dad. I know I did the right thing, difficult though it was. My thoughts are with you.

Honestly I would go. I'm in the middle of cancer treatment too. Just get on a flight, you haven't started your chemo yet so your immunity is fine just make sure you're back in time for your treatment (which can be delayed if necessary.) you will be surprised at how many times your chemo has to be delayed .. of your blood tests aren't ok they don't do it. Your port won't get infected just take the normal precautions. And book assistance at the airport

@viktoriaCan you phone the MacMillan chat line? I'm wondering if they might be able to support logistically and emotionally?

I wouldn't risk travelling while having chemo.

If your Mum is heavily medicated, you are right, she may still hear you. Could your brother hold a phone so you could talk to her? I know it's not the same for you but it'll be the same for her.

So sorry 😞 xxx

Firstly I am so sorry about your Mum.

Secondly, I am so sorry that you are poorly and in this predicament.

My Mum fell ill suddenly during covid. No-one could be with her while she was in ICU but my Brother and I were called to say we could go and say goodbye when we were told she was dying. But we were told it was imminent and to get there quickly. I don't live close by so I knew I wouldn't get there in time, or that there was a big chance that I wouldn't. My brother was close by so he got there, with my Dad, and he put me on facetime from the hospital. I was able to see her, talk to her and say all the things I wanted to say to her, without actually being there.

The choice was right as had I got in the car to make the journey she would have passed while I was on route and I would have missed the facetime call opportunity and the chance to say goodbye at all.

Take advice from your cancer care team and do not travel if they don't recommend it. I am sure if your Mum could talk to you, she would tell you not to put yourself at risk.

OP, really tough.
I’d prioritise you right now and not go anywhere.
There are so many coughs and flus right now that are more prevalent on aircraft and international meeting places.
My DM was a long time dementia sufferer. She absolutely would not have wanted me to risk my treatment and my future health had I been in your shoes. I know that 100%.

So very sorry.
Your mum would not want you to risk your own health.

Your mum sounds like a gem. I think she'd tell you to stay home, safe and get better soon!

If she is conscious can you facetime/WhatsApp video via your brother. Perhaps write down what you'd like to say so you dont forget.

Good luck with yoyr cancer journey!!

What an awful situation you are in my heart goes out to you. On a practical level can you get your brother to facilitate a face time visit between you both i know it’s not the same but perhaps allows you to see/say goodbye. I hope your treatment is successful. Sending a hug

If you do go, please make sure you have travel insurance xx

She started weekly chemo 4 weeks ago! Please read the ops post before replying.

@viktoria I am so.sorry. Presumably your brother is with your mum.

As a mum, if my dd were having chemo, I wouldn't want her to come to see me if it meant she had to travel by plane and be subjected to the germ soup of recirculated air.

Your mum will likely not be aware and will have you with her in spirit and she will be within you forever.

It's a shit situation but I really think you have to put yourself first in the circs. That's what your mum would want.