My mum's dying and I cannot go and see her

[viktoria]

I just had a phone call from my brother in Italy. My mum who has had dementia for the last 12 years, was admitted to hospital yesterday and has developed pneumonia and the doctors think the dying process has started. She could die today or it might be a few days.

Part of me thinks it's a relief for my mum, but it's just so awful.

I have cancer, have started weekly chemo 4 weeks ago and had my port put in yesterday (minor surgery) and am meant to take it easy for a week, lots of rest and trying to avoid any infection as I have very little immunity.

Throughout lmy mum's dementia she has been keeping her spirits up, whenever I asked how she was she would always say "every day a little bit better";
On a selfish level I feel like I don't know how I can cope with this whole situation
I'm a positive and optimistic person and am working hard to keep my spirits up during my treatment
While it's only stage 2 cancer, it's an aggressive one and I'm having a year of treatment.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I provably just need sympathy
I'm in bits

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

An option is a nurse can put a phone/screen next to your mum so she can hear your voice.

If I was your mum, I’d like a FaceTime call as even if I had no idea of what was going on, I may be able to hear your voice. I would not want you to put yourself at risk by travelling when you have cancer and chemo and would prefer you stay home. Any decision you make will suck regardless. So sorry.

O just did a quick search and travel insurance is between £300 and £3000 for three days.
If I go I won't take travel insurance

Thanks everybody
Had a call with my cancer nurse and surgeon who said there is a risk of a blood clot and infection. But they didn't categorically say that I can't fly.
Travel insurance could be astronomical and I don't think I would take it out
Other than exhaustion and some nausea (for which I have medication) I feel ok, even though o cannot carry anything because of the port insertion
Rationally i think i shouldn't go
Emotionally i don't know if I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't go
But I don't know if that is because it's "expected of a good daughter" (which obviously is not a good reason), or if it's because it's something I need to do just for me, or if it might help my mum - and if it was that then I would of course go without hesitation

I saw my mum just before the start of my chemo but didn't tell her about my cancer because I didn't want to upset her in that moment.

I think it's too risky for you to go.

What do you think your Mum would say if she knew how things stood?

I think you know the answer.

Oh op, I’m so sorry. Please only travel if you get medical clearance, your mum would not want you to risk your health I’m sure.

You really can’t travel without insurance and I don’t think you would get cover unless your consultant categorically says you can fly which isn’t the same as not saying you can’t. Iykwim.

Your Mum sounds lovely and quite likely she wouldn’t want you to risk picking anything up whilst travelling.

I think you need to be very kind to yourself and give yourself permission to put your own health first.

Alternatively could one of your adult children go in your place?

Don't risk yourself too OP. Speak to her over the phone and tell her how sorry you are that you aren't able to get there because you are having treatment yourself. She would want the best for you, and that is for you to stay at home.

No travel insurance would cover you for you or cancer treatment that will be excluded , your ehic card will cover your emergency treatment.
I would go , mask up, take obvious precautions I did something similar and I spent my dad's last few hours with him where he became lucid for a while and definitely knew I was there. I was glad I did

Your Mum can hear. I know that to be the case (ex ITU nurse) but if she's on morphine and comatose, she won't know if you are beside her or 1000s of miles away. Can you tell your brother that you'll phone but not to answer the phone, then you can leave a voicemail that he can play her? It will be just as effective, I promise.

@Lougle thank you
I think that's what I'll do.

I physically feel too weak to travel

I can feel how my steroids are wearing off and I think chemo and immunotherapy on Thursday, then surgery on Friday and this shocking news about my mum (on Wednesday she was still out for a walk) has totally thrown me off my feet. Literally.
I tried to go for a walk this afternoon, but my legs are like made of jelly.

Thanks everybody. I feel awful not going, but I think it's the tight decision.

My brother and my nephews are with her

@viktoria of course you feel awful not going. I felt the same not going to my Mum when she was dying. It goes against literally everything that we feel we want to do, and should do. But the fact of the matter is its not always possible and in your circumstances it certainly is something that can't be helped.

Please try not to beat yourself up over it. If your Mum could talk to you now I am sure she wouldn't want you to put yourself in harms way or at risk. She would want you to be safe and well so please try and take some comfort in that.

When I think about my own Mum, and not being there physically when she passed, I know that she would have been okay with it. My brother facetimed me from the hospital and I was able to speak to her, so I WAS there, just not physically in person.

I know it hurts, but you know in your heart that she would be okay with this and with you not making the journey under the circumstances. xx

That sounds like a sensible compromise to me. You could also send a voice note on WhatsApp or similar? Then you could send as many as you want and keep her updated on what's going on for you as you say goodbye to her?

@viktoriasending love and all the best for your treatment. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum.

No, no, you aren't a bad daughter.

You're a great daughter and a fantastic Mum - your children need you to stay well, put your health first and complete your treatment, not put yourself at greater risk out of feelings of both love and duty. When your mother was well, she wouldn't have wanted you to take that risk and would understand that you physically can't do it.

Don't ever regret not going, the reason you can't is entirely outside of your control. You must come first.

I just had the call that my mum died.
Thanks everybody for taking the time to reply.

@viktoria so sorry for your loss and that you didn’t get to see her in her final days. Hoping you can now be at peace and focus on your own health. xxxx

So sorry for your loss xx

Oh you poor love. Take care, don’t beat yourself up, it was outside of your control. Xx

I am so sorry. X

@viktoria so sorry for your loss. x

Oh no ! I'm so sorry that everything is happening all at once. I hope you have a speedy recovery.
I hope your Mother slips away peacefully and you get to talk to her.

So sorry for your loss. How sad for you all.

I hope your treatment goes well.

Thinking of you. 💐

So sorry for the loss of your mum 💐