No contact parents - phone ringing now after 12 years

[CocoKenny]

I’ll try to keep this brief.
My mother was cruel,nasty and violent. I remember the beatings starting VERY young. She quickly stopped beating my slightly older brother when he got bigger and could restrain her but this meant an escalation for me. Dad was scared of her, saw what was happening and choose himself. He allowed me to be her punchbag to save himself.
my childhood was hell.
i stupidly tried to continue to try and win their approval/love until my 40s and after an awful incident where my brother and I were then having the most terrible lies told about us ….. I broke.
i have been no contact for 12 years.

i’ve done a lot of healing in that time and am not happy and content.

now they are elderly, I have so many phone calls from the ghosts of relatives past saying I need to go back and take care of them. It’s MY job apparently.

I'm numb. I feel nothing but cold towards them. My healing is done. I feel sick at the thought of seeing them again.
AITA for feeling that way?

thanks if you’ve read all of this

Love it 💐

Your relatives want you to go back to make it easier for them. Don’t open this can of worms again, as all they want is you to be your mother’s carer. Tell them you were abused as a child and if they phone and mention it again you will block them. There is nothing for you to gain here and it will bring all the memories back for you. Don’t explain as they don’t actually want to listen. Have a few words ready and prepared for the next one that tries it so you are not caught unawares. Then put the phone down. Control your boundaries. No long conversations, this can’t last long if you cut it off quickly. Cut them off faster than a call telling you that your computer has a virus. You owe them nothing. Their opinion doesn’t trump yours.

😆

This

All my life,that bloody will was hung over my head

'If you dont give/do/take this,ill cut you out of my will'

Her face when I finally said 'do it-i dont want your fucking money anyway'

Money was her power and she had nothing left

I didnt want her expensive jewellery or bundles of notes

I wanted a mum (and dad) that loved me,loved me for my failures,personality traits and flaws rather than parents who's faces would drop when I walked into a room and where abusive to me when I was growing up (and as an adult)

If she leaves me anything,it's going to charity (one that's close to my heart but she hates) and if she does leave me any of that awful,expensive jewellery,it's getting sold and the money will go to that same charity

Money is nothing in this situation

This! They are hassling you because they don’t want to be looking after them in their dotage.
They made their bed…unpleasant young people generally become unpleasant old people, so keep your distance.

Your relatives likely don’t like your mom either, former mil thinks the sun revolves around her but her brother is lying about his wife’s health to avoid long visits, her one grandchild keeps contact to a minimum by giving her a 2hr time slot to visit, her other child is NC. My dh is dead but we planned to move away to avoid her in old age as his childhood was massively emotionally abusive and also physically. He felt she deserved nothing.

She is reaping what she sowed.

I don’t see my parents either & also didn’t have kids incase I was also abusive.

'Now happy and content'
It says it all. You have gained so much, built so strongly. You can't go back, you are not that person. You owe them nothing. Block them and if relatives interfere ask them where they were when you were a child.
You owe your abusers nothing.

OP, if a friend came to you and said,
"Hey, my frail old auntie is getting on and needs help", would you tell them,
"Why not ring up someone she treated badly, has an APPALLING relationship with, and who hasn't seen her in over ten years - I can't think of anyone better to safeguard her and her interests!"?
No.
Well then.
Your relatives... have not thought this through. Ignore them. What they suggest would end badly.

This is ready to go if they call again. Thank you @deeahgwitch

@CocoKennyWhy are you in touch with your relatives at all? Why do they have your phone number? If you want NC, then take steps to ensure it happens. It’s easy to change phone numbers. I’d ignore them and not speak again. It’s up to you to take action.

I hate this narrative that ‘you owe it to your parents’ to look after them in their old age.

im so sorry for what you went through. You certainly don’t owe either of them anything….that old saying ‘you reap what you sow’ comes to mind.

They treated you abysmally ….. they made that choice….so you have to make your choice that they are not your problem.

im in a similar position…although not a fraction of what you went through, but having to look after an elderly mother, I dislike, after years of her undermining me, putting me down and competing with me over absolute nonsense. When you’re put in the position of being a carer, it’s virtually impossible to extract yourself, as the government makes it very very difficult to get any kind of elderly social care. So don’t even start it.

This was my first thought when considering a response.
OP may not wish to revisit the past, but it would certainly shut people up.
Agree that these people need blocking. If they're so concerned, they can help. They didn't do anything to help OP. She owes them nothing.

Op I had a similar thing happen once my NC mother was ill. She suddenly wanted contact when she needed me. I did not budge and did not visit. She died alone in hospital after the horrible fuckwit she left me as a child for abandoned her. I did not attend the funeral.Everyone told me I'd be regretful.I'm not. I'm relieved.Stay strong and know you made your decision for the right reasons.You owe her nothing.

Your questioning this because there your mum and dad and there’s an ingrained default loyalty to them

A very long story short i honestly though I would if stepped over my dad if I found
but due to circumstances ended up taking him through the last 3 weeks of his life

I can honestly say say it was liberating
there was zero reconciliation, no let’s make up for lost time
I can’t really vocalise it but it was more like it’s done
all the resentment ,sadness literally lifted never felt so at peace with things and settled

but you 100% need to find your own way with this previous to this I resented any help I had to do for him and used to justify it by thinking I was helping my mum

God, no. Block anyone trying to guilt you. Where were they when you CHILDREN needed support and proper care?

You owe them nothing.

Just carry on ignoring them, she was nasty when she was young she will still be nasty now she's old. Getting old doesn't give you the right to be nasty or to expect someone you treated really badly for years to suddenly be available to look after you. This is definitely a hard no, no matter what any relatives say, if they like her they can look after her.

Block these relatives aka flying monkeys. They have their own agenda and certainly not your interests at heart.

You owe your parents nothing, let alone a relationship here. You have no contact with them for very good reason.

This sums it up brilliantly.

Your relatives are ringing you because one or both of your parents now need help. They may not be able to drive and they could want to stay in there own home long term. If your parents were mean and nasty when younger they have gotten worse with old age. Your relatives don't want to do things for them or deal with there problems any longer so this is why your getting calls from them.

I would tell them that unfortunately you don't have the time to look after your parents and they need to contact social services about them. I would start to block numbers as well. If they persist I would get a new phone and a new phone number. Set your social media to friends only. Give them as little chance as possible to contact you.

You have left them behind and built up a good life for yourself, your husband and kid's. Your happiness and peace of mind are what matters here. If your parents were good to you in the past they would be getting some help from you now.

I have a friend whose mother is now in her early 80's. My friends mother has refused to listen to advice for year's. She is comfortable financially with a decent pension and savings. She complains about the cost of things and resents spending money.
If my friend or a sibling ask her help she will always moan but nothing is to much trouble for her golden adult kid's.
This year has been particularly hard for my friend dealing with her mother. My friend is planning to change jobs for more hours and money. As a result of this she won't be as available for care in the future. She has decided that the golden children can step up and deal with her mother and what's coming.

No, definitely not. They made their bed and they can lie on it. Ignore the flying monkeys, just block them all. And I don´t say this lightly, I am very pro family, but where such cruelty has been practiced on an innocent child and I am all for you caring for YOU. You´ve earned it.

Tell these people that you are not interested. Your innocent chidlhoodn was a mess because of them and so they are dead to you. They should call SS or do the job themselves.

block repeat callers. As they are not respecting you either.

live your life.

NC with my mother for a bit longer than you.

I’d laugh at the audacity of anyone that called me to look after her. My old life is like a bad dream that I got over and moved on from. I’m not even the same person anymore.

Aside from that, I’ve cared for my mil for a short time and it nearly broke me. I know the realities of it. It’s made me adamant that my own care would be done by paid carers, I would never put my lovely DC’s through that.

You don’t owe them care by virtue of just being born. I would point out the things they did to the relatives if they call again. 12 years is a long time, but you can’t rewrite the reason you decided to go non contact.

Don’t engage with any of them, you don’t need the verbal abuse. Have a phrase prepared something like not my problem anymore. Don’t try to explain, don’t go over what she did, stay removed from it. Block numbers and refuse to answer their calls. No good will come from defending your decision, the only thing that’s likely to happen is that you will be dragged back down again mentally. Take care of yourself and your lovely family.

You dont owe them anything my love. When they've abused you all your life. Don't contact them and continue to live your life and be happy.