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Elderly parents
Original poster

No contact parents - phone ringing now after 12 years

100 replies

CocoKenny · 19/11/2025 03:32

I’ll try to keep this brief.
My mother was cruel,nasty and violent. I remember the beatings starting VERY young. She quickly stopped beating my slightly older brother when he got bigger and could restrain her but this meant an escalation for me. Dad was scared of her, saw what was happening and choose himself. He allowed me to be her punchbag to save himself.
my childhood was hell.
i stupidly tried to continue to try and win their approval/love until my 40s and after an awful incident where my brother and I were then having the most terrible lies told about us ….. I broke.
i have been no contact for 12 years.

i’ve done a lot of healing in that time and am not happy and content.

now they are elderly, I have so many phone calls from the ghosts of relatives past saying I need to go back and take care of them. It’s MY job apparently.

I'm numb. I feel nothing but cold towards them. My healing is done. I feel sick at the thought of seeing them again.
AITA for feeling that way?

thanks if you’ve read all of this

OP posts:
MumChp · 19/11/2025 03:36

No! You owe your mother nothing!
My mother was just like this. It was a hard no from me. No way.

feathermucker · 19/11/2025 03:41

You owe them NOTHING. It sounds like they put you and your brother through hell, your mother physically and your father by his lack of action.

MarxistMags · 19/11/2025 03:45

You don't have to see them, do you ? So don't. Your childhood sounds horrendous. But it sounds as though you have made some peace with it all. As you are now in a better place then leave them to it. You owe them nothing. Block the phone numbers or change it.
I hope your brother is in a better place too and your lives are happy.

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 19/11/2025 03:46

It was your Mother’s job to be a mother and be loving and caring.
You did not get this.
You owe no one but yourself, the permission to keep healing and not to be distracted from that.

Topseyt123 · 19/11/2025 03:47

No. You owe them nothing. They put you through hell (your father did nothing to stop it).

Don't make any contact with them. All that will achieve is the reopening of old wounds. Block any relatives who try to put pressure on you there.

Seacatt · 19/11/2025 03:54

Keep away from them, it's too late.
They destroyed your life for too many years and don't deserve your attention.

Ooodelally · 19/11/2025 03:57

You owe them nothing but your contempt. If anyone attempts to induce guilt in you I would suggest you answer with, “do you know my mother beat me senseless as a small child and my father stood by and let her do it…?” If they can possibly muster the temerity to go on I would follow up with, “do you think that deserves forgiveness? Really?” If they persist they are also awful and merit nothing more in you hanging up on them and refusing to engage further. I’m sorry it’s so hard, wishing you the strength to hold your boundaries x

Starlight7080 · 19/11/2025 05:38

Are these the same relatives who didnt help you and your sibling when you needed it? As i doubt noone noticed what was going on.
I wouldn't see them if I was you. I would block the people trying to guilt you into seeing them. You owe them nothing.

hattie43 · 19/11/2025 05:42

They don’t deserve anything from you . As soon as I read the word beating I knew where this was going . Leave your past behind .

Thortour · 19/11/2025 05:45

No. You owe them nothing.

pilates · 19/11/2025 05:45

No good will come getting back in touch with your parents. Self preservation all the way.

katzman · 19/11/2025 05:50

Change your number etc and maintain your distance. The medlars can go duck themselves. It’s your lived experience you’ve dealt with so brilliantly. It’s your business no one else’s. Jeez, some people think they’re so entitled to fill in the gaps in others’ lives as to what they should do.

PodMom · 19/11/2025 05:52

You’re not unreasonable. I visited my mother in her deathbed after six years of NC and I regret going to see her. You owe them nothing. How supportive is your brother?

Blodyneighbour · 19/11/2025 05:57

No YANBU not at all!!
But do what feels right for you. don't be influenced one way or the other

Lastknownaddress · 19/11/2025 06:45

I was you this time last year. Low contact, psychologically abusive M with underlying (diagnosed) personality disorder and mental health issues.

Had to go NC then LC. In my experience this is never a choice taken lightly.

Fast forward 15 years and M declined rapidly and I faced a huge amount of pressure to step in from her siblings, cousins and extended family (I have other posts on here dating back to that time). I did. I regret it deeply.

M herself is now too frail to be an issue but the verbal onslaught, accusations, meddling in M's complex care from the "family" who clearly have an axe to grind and see M's issues as my fault (they are not, her medical history predates even my DF) has been horrendous. I spent more time sorting them out than organising M's care, it ended up with safeguarding issues before M got the care she needed. Thankfully she is now safe. And no matter how difficult her relationship with me, I wouldn't wish what she went through on anyone... but I still wish I hadn't stepped in. Her family has caused so much distress for my own lovely family it hasn't been worth it. The outcome for M would have been the same.

Remember no one is entitled to your time or energy. It is yours to give freely. Give it where it matters most.

Batoutofhellish · 19/11/2025 06:49

Do not even contemplate it. Change your number.

Mikart · 19/11/2025 07:01

Block them

rickyrickygrimes · 19/11/2025 07:08

’She beat the shit out of me for years, he stood back and let it happen. You help them. Goodbye.’

Protect the life you have made and the peace of mind you have found.

sorrynotathome · 19/11/2025 07:17

Of course not. Why are you even thinking about it? You owe your parents nothing. They owe you peace. Block them all and live your life.

Iloveacurry · 19/11/2025 07:17

You owe you mother nothing. If extended family care so much, they can deal with her. Are they aware of what she put you through?

shellyleppard · 19/11/2025 07:19

You owe them nothing..... absolutely nothing. Keep your peace and stay away. Sending hugs, peace and 💕 🙏💕🫂

MrsPrendergast · 19/11/2025 07:23

Of course you're not obligated in any way to look after your parents especially after they've treated you so badly

The fact that you're asking the question, indicates that you have more healing to do

See a therapist? 🥰

Sailawaygirl · 19/11/2025 07:35

I work in health care. I have come across lots of elderly people with children and in the notes it says do not call 1 or all of children ( adult) or that the ( adult) children are not in contact. Sometimes you can guess why after meeting the patient, other times its not clear but as a health care professional I completely respect it and its fine. The only think I find weired is when a no contact child still sends cards every month ( or similar) but then refuses to visit or phone .
Do not let relatives guilt you into getting back in contact. Let them think bad of you of they want to, but hold your head up high and be proud of making it out of such a difficult situation.
From work you are definitely not alone and it is not your job to care for anyone if you don't want to !

ForCraftyWriter · 19/11/2025 07:40

No you owe them nothing.
Only ask yourself for your own sake, if you don’t care and she dies without having received your care, would you regret. If so which is worse, doing the caring now, or feeling the emotional regret later.

Gentlydoesit2 · 19/11/2025 07:40

You owe them nothing and you could always just block the other relatives from ringing you?!