Parents retired early…

[WeepingAngelInTheTardis]

I dont know where this fits, my parents are in their early 60s so kind of fits? So sorry if this is the wrong board!

Both my parents took early retirement in their early 50s, they were warned by many family members not to do this but they had savings & assets and future proofed their home by moving to a bungalow. Fair enough.
However, since the COL I get constant weekly phone calls from them moaning about the prices of everything, politics and the state of the country & how they are struggling. (Will not touch their savings. Both will get large inheritances)
I am struggling to have any sympathy for them, Ive told them they could go back to work even part time but they wont consider it.
Other than ignoring the phone I have no idea what to do, Ive tried steering the conversation away but it always go back to that.
On paper they are quite well off but I feel like they want some kind of magic solution from me & its stressing me out.

I think they've just reached that age where it's the done thing to moan about everything. If they were still working they'd be moaning about that. You can't win.

Try not to take it personally - think of it as they're talking at you, venting their spleen, getting it off their chest, a talking point, topic of conversation, rather than expecting you to magic up some solution out of thin air. It was their life choice to retire early (and I don't blame them, I would too, if I could) but I don't think you can pin this on that - in that - if they went back to work they'd stop moaning.

"I feel like they want some kind of magic solution from me & its stressing me out."

Trust me, they aren't expecting a magic solution from you. Don't burden yourself with that train of thought. You're just somebody who tolerates their moaning ... "they'll moan to anybody who'll listen". Just switch off and make appropriate mmmm, uhuh, and I know sounds.

Or do like my cousin did with her mum and say "right, I'm off now, you're boring me with your whinging and I feel quite depressed". Then started singing 'always look on the bright side of life' as she walked out the door.

I disagree with some of the posters here. You know your parents and your gut feeling is right. I think they do want you to step in financially, even if it’s a small token amount. At the very least, they want you to permanently alleviate their worry by saying ‘don’t worry. We’ll step in if it comes to it’. If you permanently alleviate their worry, regularly confirming this by paying their gas bill or the odd repair of the roof, then they will have what they truly desired, the reason they retired early in the first place: a permanent holiday free from obligations and stresses. For this generation, there is, I believe a very strong culture of the right to a particular kind of retirement. ‘Ive paid my dues’. It doesn’t exist for younger generations.

At the point of retirement, would-be retirees have a choice around how to draw down their private pension. For example, whether to choose a fixed income or one that increases over time with inflation. Using the same example, they might have been offered 30k a year forever, or 20k a year with a guarantee of increase with official inflation figures. In my experience, many retirees go for the former because they believe in a sort of right to future preserved in aspic (which is why retired people get annoyed by housing development ‘we just want a quiet life’). They also tend to choose the tax free lump sum, too, to have a splurge. Retired people are reading all sorts of things in the run up to the budget.

It may be dawning on your parents that their income isn’t enough. They will be hearing about dwindling projected inheritance from friends whose parents are in nursing homes. They will have run the calculations on their savings. I suspect they are itching to use their savings but just need your blessing in a way.

Obviously, don’t do what they want. I would recommend instead that you steer them in the direction of a financial adviser, particularly if you paid the financial adviser’s fee. The financial adviser will help. Very likely to also recommend they set up LPA.

Btw fixations on worries-that-need-to-be-resolved-right-now, indicated by repeat phone calls about said worry, can be sign of cognitive decline. It stems from an awareness that things aren’t quite right, a sense of vulnerability. It’s why people with dementia will ring relentlessly because the TV is ‘broken’. Something to be alert to.

My parents know I cannot afford to help them out financially. I helped my in laws and it was a very bad period of my life. My brother has more money than me, yet they do not complain to him or his wife.
And no offence to my parents, but I wouldn’t want to help them neither like I said they are due large inheritances at some point in the future. I will mention the financial advisor to them.

Ah, so you set the precedent, in their view.

Yup, always seems to be the daughter who is called upon for support and care.

Do set up the financial adviser. And then you have the perfect answer when they start talking about COL. ‘Remember what the financial adviser said’.

Yes I wouldn’t pay or give them anything OP. I will warrant you will not be in the position to retire early 50s like they have chosen to do. They can draw down their savings until state pension kicks in and gives them an extra £20k between them each year ( that is if they have made full contributions).

It is scary using up savings rather than adding to them - I am 55 and currently not working as due to elderly DPs health I am looking for part time work only and it’s hard to find - but I comfort myself with the knowledge that’s what the money is there for and we have done the sums so know we can afford it. If they didn’t do their sums it’s not up to a young working family to bail them out - though doubtless they think differently because you have helped ILs.

Oh and actually, another sign of cognitive decline is the inability to comprehend the consequences of their expectations, or others’ needs. The elderly get, erm, how to put this, a bit selfish. Maybe it’s a survival instinct. It’s the reason my FIL thought it was a perfectly normal idea for my husband to permanently move in with him to be his carer (in addition to the enormous team of carers and helpers he had already). In your parents’ minds, you’re fine, and besides, all these people driving around in new cars means the younger generation is super wealthy.

Just to pick up on this, my pension pot, assuming I work to 68, is worth about £32k/yr (on a civil service “good” pension in a £45k/yr job) so it doesn’t sound to me like your dad did too bad! Especially considering he will also be getting state pension which will ever likely have disappeared by the time I get to retirement age…

The problem is like you they did the sums too and could afford it but things change.
How do you know the budget on the 26th won't derail your long term plans?
I think the fact that OP helped her in laws may be scewing things a bit for her parents if they're aware. They could be wondering why her in laws were worthy of help but not them. Rather like having two kids and giving one a house deposit and then telling the other you can't afford it for them.
Not saying OP should help but maybe a bit more complicated than the original post implies.

Just let the calls go to voicemail
I help an elderly friend
But her demands were getting ridiculous
I stated letting all calls go to voicemail
My heart was beating like a drum the first time, but after a while the demands stopped
i would of course respond to any emergencies.

I'd keep pointing out they could go back to work if they are struggling
Even if they did some self employed stuff like dog walking/babysitting . Or things like leaflet delivery.

Or other good sources of a bit of a cash injection are things like exam invigilation or work for the elections.

Working will keep them busy and active and mean they don't have as much time to sit around feeling sorry for themselves

Another option you could suggest is they rent a spare room to a lodger?

I'd find a list of solutions and keep rotating them on a loop

Maybe her in-laws didn't have several hundred thousand pounds in savings though?

Ask them straight, “what is it you want me to do with this information”.
You have empathised, suggested a few things (get a part time job / draw down some savings) and now just going around in circles.

I agree. He did well. But given it’s not what he was getting and with cost of living, plus age related anxiety, he does go on a lot about it. My point was that if OPs parents are unhappy with their lot in their early 60s…. It will only get worse.

My in laws didnt own their own home, didnt have any savings, lived offf ESA and when I stepped in had a terminal illness I helped them with things that made their life easier it wasnt just giving them money to live off it was buying disability aids & things like that that they couldnt afford and it was to stop me having to give up work to basically care for them so it was a win, win. My parents do not need any care right now, and if and when the time comes they do - I will help them with my time. I have helped them a few times with few bits & bobs. They can have my time, but they cannot have money.
My mother was extremely resentful that I helped my in laws though, my dad had to tell her to behave mutiple times about it.

You sound kind and also sensible. It's good you can set healthy boundaries.
Your parents have money and health and could work if they chose to.

(my parents both carried on working in high pressure jobs till they were 70, and still plan to do some part time consulting post retirement)

And thats fine - i just wondered if that was part of the problem in how they were perceiving things.

OPs parents are in their early 60’s. Working age. Not likely to be struggling with age related cognitive decline and a generation who grew up knowing they had to fund their own private pension if they wanted more than the absolute basics. They are being miserable and self centred and my advice to op is to up the firmness, not to pander to them.

I would ask your mum "What's the solution?" If she replies none..then you can say "well no point discussing it, it's just a case of accepting where you are"

I assume the 300k is earning them an additional income?

What of you said...mum you have loads of money, compared to many people?

I have noticed that people who are retired often end up in a bit of a bubble. They are no longer meeting lots of new people from different walks of life and different stages in life so they can end up with a narrower view. I am saying this as a retired woman in her mid sixties and of course it does not apply to everyone. Your DPs seem to have lost a bit of perspective. There is nothing wrong with saying ‘Mum/Dad please stop talking about money .We are struggling and we are all victims of the global financial situation .’
I would hope that at some point they would be able to empathise.
I can remember when inflation was sky high in the 70s I had several friends whose parents had retired early following financial success in their careers;several of these parents had to find work eg in shops or cafes. It was an adaptation to circumstances .

Is it mainly your mum again with the calls? Would your dad be able to stop her again?

Otherwise you can try drowning them out - yes, I'm so worried, I think we won't ever buy a house and will be working to 70, we won't even get an inheritance it'll be lost in tax and inheritance...

Or if they still don't get the hint burst into tears and say you find them incredibly insensitive when you don't know how you will pay the gas bill and hang up.

Your parents will get their state pension too in a few years time (assuming they’ve paid enough contributions) so I wouldn’t get drawn in OP. It’s ridiculous.

X

I have absolutely zero sympathy with people like this- what did they think they would live on retiring early 50s - it’s clear they are going to to have to live on savings and pension draw downs for at least 10 or 12 years or so minumum - it’s what happens with too much time on your hands, GB News and not prepared to spend cash - you can get a month in Italy or Spain in the winter /early spring for a good apartment plus two flights for £1600 - and then live as you would at home ( minus GB news) - suggest it - it’s the same with people who moaned on about WFA whilst sat in fully paid for houses getting state plus private pensions . If it’s that tight draw down a bit of equity release - all kinds available these days including types where it’s like a large overdraft and you just draw down as you need it - hence only paying interest on what you have drawn down - even drawing down an extra £4K a year would make a nice difference to plenty of people-my son at 27 doesn’t get WFA and will be lucky to get a home of his own before 35 - even earning just above average wage- problem is the country is stuffed full of people with your parents attitude , moaning about stuff but haven’t been contributing or contributing very little indeed for years and years. And wonder why the country has issues-