mid 80s difficult dm - I tried everything

[frenchpharmacy]

I wrote here few times before and got valuable responses. I read recommended books, I am in therapy, I practice FOG, grey rock and JADE. I set firm boundaries by not calling everyday but only 2x a week now. Just when I had my therapy session yesterday and I cried to the point even my therapist was moved, I received a call today from my DM reprimending me for not calling her. The twist: we usually speak at around 8pm, she did not call at 8pm, no no no, she waited till 10.30pm called and reprimanded me. No matter what I do, how hard I try to set boundaries, protect myself, she has the power. I had to explain myself (that was expected) and I said I will call tomorrow eveing but now I am already stressed 24h ahead. Over 25y ago I moved out from what was a home full of rigour, I moved abroad to distance myself but here we are all these years later still controlled. Two failed marraiges, no children, just trying to keep my head above water.

You cannot make her stop.

But you can choose to cut her out of your life.

I did feel the same. Which is why I told her to stop
Whether they are/were deliberate doesn't matter, you can still ask her to stop.

Yes, it’s deliberate. Possibly not thought through as a process but it’s a manipulative technique. Coupled with that generation of women were often brought up not to directly express their needs (or be able to identify them), so they learnt manipulation as a tactic to manage things.

I find the bingo technique others have mentioned helpful when dealing with it. Or muttering something like “Hmm, that must be hard” so you’ve acknowledged the moaning but not offered a solution. Sometimes I’ve gone for “goodness, how does she find the time, I could never manage that” in relation to the other daughter comments.

You can pretty much guarantee that even if all these other daughters exist, they’re probably being moaned about by their own mothers for not doing enough. Because nothing is ever enough. I did discover that one of the daughters I was being compared to is twenty years older
than me, retired and has no children!

And yet, literally just had a convo about so-and-so's family who all live near by 😂😭😂

A lot of this is his choice though. The older people I know who seem to age the best are the ones who’ve made the effort to cultivate a range of friendships and interests across the ages, not just with their own age group.

One of my friends is almost twice my age. I have a coffee with her periodically. She’s funny, clever, gives excellent life advice but is also a brilliant listener.

Oh I do totally agree- and yes he never did that , nor cultivated any interests outside of work - Im in same position as you except I’m the person in their60s with friends in their 40s!!

@frenchpharmacy oh I do that too already, I’m the person who sorted his move out, found his bungalow, found him a great stay between houses, sorted his removals - I do feel sorry that he’s lost a lot of his friends due to them popping off , but do also agree that some of the choices he made led to this, no interests outside of work, not ever interested in a mixed age friendship group etc , won’t go out his way to join ‘anything’