Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

Hi @bigbootsweather it's Contented Dementia by Oliver James.

Amazon Link

You can get it on Ebay second hand.

I have got to about chapter 3 of Contented Dementia, but then realised whilst DM and DF are living together they seem to be making each other worse and there is very little I can do to counterbalance it. Plus it’s depressing and I would rather read crime novels.

I am hoping the HRT kicks in soon.

I rang up the ambulance service to confirm that DMs ambulance for her hospital appointment was ok and get a rough eta. Turns out either she or DF somehow managed to cancel it - I suspect when DM rang to double check it last week and her speech is so poor they thought she was having a stroke on the line. The lady said it was too late to get it reinstated for tomorrow, at which point I promptly burst into tears and she worked wonders and managed to speak to the other department and work miracles and sort it out.

Thankfully there are no more hospital appointments for a bit as I am well and truly done at this point. I phoned DM to let her know what time to be ready and my irritation and despair leaked through on the phone.

Thankfully there are no more hospital appointments for a bit as I am well and truly done at this point.

Does anything really useful result from the appointments? I mean, to improve your mother's quality of life - never mind your own @rookiemere

If the answer is "nothing" or "nothing much" then it may be time to think about cancelling them yourself anyway.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOnevery good question. This one is important I think. She had a clear CT scan pre fall, and it would be good to understand if there is anything now that indicates if she has had a stroke/strokes and if there are any signs of dementia, also what the prognosis is. I am aware though that a) the neurologist may not have seen the scan as they had to rush it through because they had forgotten it was required or b) the outcome may not be terribly conclusive.

To be honest the hospital visits are easier than the home visits. At least there is a clear start and end point and I am performing a useful function by being there for the relevant DP, as opposed to pointing out and sorting out rotting food or fly invasions when at their home Plus they seem to rally round a bit when out of the house. But hopefully this flurry is abating for now. Plus DH is finishing work come January so says he will share the load.

@rookiemere @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne I think you are both right. There is a fear for DB that he will suffer the same fate. Except it will be worse because of the life choices he has made. He has no friends, never married or had children. He has no life outside of DM.

He annoys me intensely but I do also feel sorry for him. He spends 6/7 hours with DM every day. But ultimately it makes no difference. DM is slipping away from us. She has already slipped away from me. At some point she will slip away from DB.

@GnomeDePlume Even I feel sorry for your DB after your description - it must be terribly difficult for you both
@rookiemere Hope you find HRT helpful. I tried it for a bit, but then stopped because I was putting on weight. Stopping didn't help the weight gain, unfortunately...

DM was moved to a different ward in the hospital last night 'ready for discharge'. I am very, very worried they are going to push for her to go home. At least DF agrees with me now that he wouldn't be able to cope with her. How do I convince the hospital discharge team that it's not safe? They are self-funders, so I guess we should just start looking for somewhere with 24 h care that she can be discharged to - is that how it works, or will they recommend/suggest somewhere?

@NDornotNDI am terrified of putting on more weight but I had to try something.

That sounds tough about your DM - at least your DF agrees he can’t cope with her coming home which should force the changes that have to happen for everyone’s benefit. Sorry no help on the practical side.

@NDornotND when DM was ready for discharge from hospital we (DB and I) said it would be to a care home as DM not in any fit state to go home.

I had researched the local care homes and made a visit to check suitability. Checked they had space. They said they wanted to assess DM. The CH person liaised with the ward to go in and do the assessment.

Once the hospital could see we were making arrangements all the pressure from them came off. DM was discharged to the CH within a few days.

As DM was self funding the hospital had no input into where DM was being discharged to. They did book the hospital transport so I suppose if we had said the destination was the corporation dump they might have raised an eyebrow but not otherwise.

They did book the hospital transport so I suppose if we had said the destination was the corporation dump they might have raised an eyebrow but not otherwise

DM did end up back in hospital a couple of months later with an infection/diabetes collapse. That time DM was pushed out of the door the second she was out of her bed and into a chair. Fortunately the CH were on the ball and able to do an assessment so that DM was moved to the nursing home section of the CH.

@NDornotND when looking at CHs have an eye on 'continuing care'. Your DM may go in needing one level of care but as her condition progresses (they do), having the next level of support available within the same home will save on disruption to your DM.

When my DM was moved to the nursing section of the CH, the CH managed the move. The room she was moved to was pretty much identical to the previous one. Her next move is likely to be to the dementia section where I expect it will be managed in the same way though hopefully without the extended hospital stay beforehand.

Any advice for me, I'm admitting my Dad to a nursing home this weekend and just can't picture how to do it? Do I stay for a while orleave and let the staff take over? He has dementia so really isn't aware of any of this, so it's not like I can advance warn him, he's going to be horrified if he does realise. Any practical things I can do to prepare us for this next step.

@Zucker 💐
Is your DF moving from home or hospital?

Practical things:

• label everything. I even labelled DM's glasses. I also added a labels on the other arm that say 'distance' and 'reading'. Since doing that DM has not been in the wrong glasses.
• does your DF have anything like a cushion, blanket, cardigan, other comfort item? If so make sure that goes with him
• dont be surprised if things go missing, they can reappear a while later but dont leave anything valuable
• does he have a dementia clock? Some people find that useful. If nothing else it will give you a clock to look at
• be prepared to stay but dont be surprised if you get ushered out
• expect your DF to be more disrupted than normal. The change of routine and environment will upset him
• dont feel guilty, he is moving to the best place to meet his needs
• make sure any medication goes with your DF. Is he keeping the same GP or changing?

Oh he likes to hold a cushion so that's something I can bring. Hes going to have a new gp, Id completely forgotten he's obviously going to need his meds, never even crossed my mind with everything going on. He's going from home, it's not safe for him to be cared for there anymore unfortunately. Thanks so much for your tips and advice, I guess be ready for almost anything.

@Zucker I do feel that all too often we get stuck trying to solve yesterday's problem.

Be prepared over time to try things and just accept if they dont work. My DM is in a wheelchair and frequently complains that it is uncomfortable. I have tried no end of cushions etc.

Take some time to think about any particular likes or dislikes your DF has. Make sure to let the Nursing Home know these.

@zucker a good home will be very used to this and be able to guide you in the best way of setting a new resident. My mum used to think she was in a rehabilitation unit attached to the hospital and every time I visited she thought I was there to take her home.

What I like about mums home is how the carers interact with the residents. They genuinely seem to care - it’s a small home with a low turnover of staff and a manager and owner that encourage staff development and I think that shows.

Brilliant thank you both. I'll be guided by the staff that are overseeing events on Saturday and watch their cues. I think that him thinking he's going home at every visit is going to be very hard. We did have this recently when he was in hospital. But with the nature of alzheimers within a few minutes he won't remember.

@Zucker you can tell him that the car is in the garage, and you'll be taking him home in a few days.
He will be satisfied that you've got a plan, then forget all about it.

You can repeat this forevermore.

I do agree with the 'going along with it' approach. When my DM is tired she will start to say that she wants to go home and will start looking around for coat, handbag etc.

Having read the Contented Dementia book, rather than placating DM I have started to say 'okay, let's go upstairs and get your coat'. Getting moving, going in the lift etc seems to be what she wants.

If just moving isnt enough I have the option of putting an outdoor fleece on DM and heading out of the front door. If it is cold and wet all the better. I did this with DM the other day and she was keen to get back indoors.

Morning everyone was deliberately staying off for a few days as felt I was moaning too much.

I have started on HRT and I have lost my appetite completely! This is a good thing as I could do with losing 1-2 stones and if it does nothing else, makes me feel a bit happier.

Non conclusive hospital visit on Wednesday. Consultant looked bemused that DM was back - well I didn’t set the appointment up did I? - and the CT scan showed nothing. I did my own googling afterwards and discovered that CT scans often don’t show if the patient has had a series of mini strokes, so it would have been nice if consultant had shared that information. He suggested that maybe DM could do daily exercises and seemed surprised I didn’t live with her. He then asked if I had siblings or anyone else who could help, to which he got a flat No. We mutually agreed that DM didn’t need to see him again.

Due to having to rebook the ambulance transport hastily DM was very late for the appointment. I may have ended up in tears with the lovely nurse as every tiny little thing sets me on edge, she gave me a nice cup of tea.

Thankfully flurry of appointments is over for now. DH and I should- fingers crossed- be going on holiday on Monday. I have vaguely mentioned it to DPs but DF will have forgotten and if I give DM details I suspect an anxiety attack, so I will not mention it on the phone and email DF on Monday ( he may or may not pick up his emails and he may or may not tell DM, frankly I don’t much care anymore).

@rookiemereSurely there is just a terrible problem with... Your phone battery... For a few days. Ahem.

I had managed, with grim persistence, to shed the weight early last year.
Then it all kicked off with my elderly relative and not only has all the weight (if not more) gone back on, but I've picked up some other bad habits which affect my appearance. Trying to get back into healthy habits, at least, but I'm sure you all know that this sort of time is the last time you want to be dieting:(

@MysterOfwomanYfunny you should say that, we need esims for where we are going so my telephone and probably DHs will be out of action a lot of the time.
I am going to say to them to contact DS in an emergency, but I don’t want him embroiled into all this so I am hoping nothing comes to pass. TBH if I email DF there’s probably only a slight chance the message will get through to them anyway. Fingers crossed nothing will happen - we really need this break.

BTW I have started to use my second phone for scrolling/time wasting after a certain time of night.
I should however point out that as a good 70 mins drive away I'm the third person in line to be called in emergency - after 999 and the neighbours. Would be different tbh if it was a 10 mins drive (and she was in the middle of an unfolding crisis).
Please lord let there be no more unfolding crises...

@rookiemere I am glad the HRT is helping, I have lost weight since starting it. Don't feel like you can't come on and moan when you need to. I hope you have a lovely and well deserved break away without disruption.

Luckily my DF is stable again for the moment after the latest hospital admission and his respiratory nurse was happy at his appointment this week so he is being discharged back to GP care.

I have however totally lost my appetite due to stress caused by the still ongoing saga of my late Aunt's estate. Alongside yet again fighting the council who have broken their legal duty to fund and provide my child's SEND provision. It will only take one more thing and I may end up at burn out stage again.

@Choconuttolatasympathies - I was out with a friend for coffee yesterday and in addition to challenge of elderly DPs, she has other major family and work issues. I sometimes forget how lucky I am that the other plates are spinning well. DS19 is home this weekend and I am so glad he is well at uni with a nice circle of friends and a lovely DGF that we met.

DH is going to phone the DPs today - he is a lot more soothing than I am, plus DM less likely to air complaints and concerns. I know I sound like an utterly heartless bitch, but airing concerns and then directly stopping any additional support I try and put in for them, means it’s a fruitless conversation.

I sometimes think when/if DPs or any combination thereof are in a nursing home all my troubles will be over. This thread is a salutary reminder that this may not be the case!

I'm back again...hope everyone is doing ok. 😊

DM has had another stumble/fall and bruised her ribs on the sideboard. So that's a minimum of three falls in less than a year.
She's had two incidents where she just seems to loose her balance in her house/garden and the other was her being daft and instead of stepping over something or walking around it she stood on it and slipped.

I certainly don't think we're at carer help stage, but how do fall bracelets work? Do I need to be the responder - I work 1hr30 away most of the week.

I'm not sure what to do or suggest...she just brushes off my concerns.

My thoughts are

1. I'm going to buy her a new lamp to improve lighting she's decided the big light is going to blow a fuse and she is using a table lamp 🙄
2. Slippers? Any thoughts? she has some mules from M&S with decent soles, but they're not ideal if she's a bit wobbly (she will not have the old lady velcro ones!).
3. Can I leave a note with her GP to ask a couple of additional anonymous questions to probe a bit deeper when she next speaks to him?