Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

@oldtime, if I had a sister I'd ask if it was you 😆

My ER is just the same. Can achieve feats of administration that we can barely believe, but cannot maintain a conversation......

It’s amazing what they can do at times. DM rang our local MP’s office about something last year (bin collection I think). Fair play to our MP, she rang back (even if bins are nothing to do with her).

Mum managed to set up three boiler service contracts this year. Renewed the usual BG one and set up 2 new ones with local companies. Took DB a while to track them down and cancel. If only they knew what they would be they have been subjected to🤣

Don't, just don't! ER has managed to get her car fixed (pretty sure her driving licence is cancelled, and it's definitely not insured!) and possibly some dodgy electrical work done on a house which is already a high fire risk. It's a mystery.....

Oh good grief @roundaboutthehillsareshining!

@roundaboutthehillsareshining occasionally mum talks about booking a cruise but thankfully she hasn't (yet). The last cruise they did was from Southampton to the Canaries November 2019 November and my dad was sleeping in a chair because he'd broken his ribs in a fall a few days before and found laying down painful. But there was no way mum was cancelling a holiday. He couldn't stay upright in a bungalow in the Fens so I couldn't imagine how he was going to cope with the Bay of Biscay in November. I kept a grab bag with a wash kit, phone charger and passport ready that just needed the appropriate clothes for wherever I needed to rescue him from adding as I was totally convinced he was going to end up in a foreign hospital. I was on a knife edge until they got back.

Memories of my late grandmother booking herself on a coach tour to Norway. DM and aunt were on pins like you @countrygirl99 , ready to fly to Oslo at the drop of a hat. It was only when she got back and asked DF to change her francs back to Sterling that they discovered she’d in fact been to Normandy.

DM is starting to get more tricky with her behaviour. Has refused meals a couple of times. Basically tantruming.

DB has been cross that she has on occasion been left alone when she has been in mid spat. He doesnt get that she isnt paying for 1 to 1 care. They havent the staff to spend potentially hours trying to soothe her.

But DB being cross about something is normal.

Still waiting to see if there is going to be a formal diagnosis for DM. If it comes I wouldnt be surprised if her care home want to move DM to the dementia section. I suppose it will depend on where her needs can best be met. She is wheelchair based so needs carers who know how to do transfers.

Morning all. Still mulling over a troubling parental visit from yesterday. DM 86 is bed bound with 4 carers a day ( Scotland) and DF 92 is losing his memory. Things are getting worse, DF was complaining of sore legs and saying that it was all too much for him, but point blank refused my offer to get any additional support in. He had wanted me to sort something out with his phone but it sounded nonsensical and he couldn’t remember what it was when I got there, plus DM kept interrupting with something non relevant so it was impossible to try and figure it out. DF was putting mouldy cream cheese on DMs bread and got angry with me when I tried to stop him - I feel so guilty that I didn’t just throw it away.

DH was there, he is usually relentlessly optimistic but even he was shocked by DFs decline.

It’s now time for me to speak to the doctors about DFs memory. I have been putting it off because he was just about managing, but he clearly isn’t. It will have to be Tuesday as they do the 8am bun fight for appointments. I just feel so sad, both for them and for me. They have loads of money, they could easily get in more care to prepare meals and keep the house cleaner, but at the minute they each appear to be a barrier for the other getting the care they need. I wish they were both in a care home, or the inevitable crisis hurries up and happens.

That sounds very difficult @rookiemere. You want them to make the right decisions for themselves, but when they don't or can't, you feel cornered into a situation where you have to push things on them for their own safety. It's such a lot of responsibility.

There are a lot of parallels between your situation and mine, I think. My DM (86) is still in hospital and vacillating wildly between completely delirious and incoherent one day, to almost herself the next. On a good day, the assessment team at the hospital are talking about sending her home, which DF (89) is very cheery about, but they weren't managing before - I really don't think it's safe! DF has also just got a date for major surgery on an unhealed broken arm in mid December. I am glad he's going to get it done, but very apprehensive about how we'll cope afterwards. Like you, I wish they were in a care home where I knew they were safe. I'm trying to get DF to realise that something needs to change. It's not easy.

@NDornotNDthank you, it’s reassuring- although crap - to know at least one other person in same situation.

I have partly spoiled a nice weekend away with DH because of it as we stopped off en route. I really struggled on our walk this morning and just feel so exhausted with slight chest pains although that could just be psychosomatic as I just want some other adult to do the adulting. We did have a lovely Sunday lunch and rookie dog benefited from my lack of appetite.

I have decided I need to be the priority so I will make an appointment with GP next week, I had previously turned down HRT but I am thinking it might be worth a go if it helps me feel less anxious, although I feel most people menopausal or not would be a bit stressed in my situation.

I have DMs appointment with the neurologist on Wednesday ( do hope the CT scan I had to remind them to schedule makes its way through or it will be a wasted journey) and see what they’re saying at that. DH reckons they are happiest at home so maybe I just need to let them shoogle along until DF starts setting fire to things he’s cooking.

My nearly 90 year old mil , has been a pain this weekend although not to me .
She has capacity ( just ) and won't budge from her house inspite of everyone else being put upon to facilitate her remaining in her own home .
Her deceased husband's daughter lives close by and gets her shopping in for her but this weekend she has phoned her about 20 times each day saying she is out of food , the house is cold or some other ploy to get her around .
When others have phoned / called in house is ok and food is plentiful .
She seems to think when her visitors have gone , the step daughter has to be around 24/7 .

@rookiemere even though you think your chest pain was psychosomatic, you should have gone to A and E to be checked.
Never ignore chest pain.
I'm sorry you're having such an awful time at the moment. It sounds incredibly stressful.
HRT absolutely helped me with anxiety so do consider it.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOnethank you. I am going to make an appointment this week hopefully. I will ask for HRT. I am pretty sure there’s nothing seriously wrong with me except menopause and elderly DPs.

Some I wish I was in a care home with my meals made, sheets changed and no paperwork to sort out. I mean I do know it’s different when it’s gods waiting room, but it’s so painful watching DPs trying to stay in their own home as it gradually becomes dirtier and untidier and more of DMs medical apparatus strewn round the place.

@Adooree I sympathise with your MIL's step-daughter (and you of course). My DM steadfastly refuses to even consider any change in her living arrangements despite not driving and living somewhere with no public transport and no amenities in walking distance. She is lucky enough to have a few members of her extended family living fairly close by who visit her and will take her places/run errands occasionally if needed. But they are also not young, have health problems of their own and want to live their own lives so I fear she is close to exhausting their good will with her increasing demands. This would be a disaster for me because she is of the opinion that I should be available 24/7 if she wants anything that she has not lined someone else up to do. In this week alone she has become very annoyed with me 3 times because I didn't answer my phone immediately when she wanted to tell/ask me something. Once I was in a work meeting, once driving and once in the bath- which was when she decided I must be ignoring her and asked her SIL to call me to say she needed to speak to me urgently (urgent = can I check what time Coronation Street is on tomorrow).
I have managed to persuade mum to have groceries delivered, which involves a lengthy phone call for her to tell me what she wants and for me to place an order, but at least it's one thing she isn't asking her SIL to do and doesn't expect me to make a 4 hour round trip to deliver. She can't be persuaded to do the same with medication etc yet, or even to take up the offer to have a selection of library books brought to her. Her answer at the moment is that [relative] is retired so has plenty of time!
I find it really sad how such an independent, capable woman has become so set against any sort of change and almost intentionally reliant on others. Only a few years ago she complained about a friend doing similar and how unfair it was on her daughter. Friend ended up moving to assisted living closer to her daughter to make it easier for her and Mum was the first to say she should have done it sooner. I have tried to gently remind her of this but she maintains it is completely different as Friend was very needy and her daughter was very busy whereas clearly neither applies to us.

@rookiemere you need to look after yourself, ask GP about HRT and mention the chest pains. If you get them again do go to A&E and get an ECG done just to be sure. HRT has been great for me, I only started on it a few months ago and the anxiety, palpitations and feelings of low mood are so much better already.

@rookiemere look after yourself. If you need to justify it to yourself, you'll be no good to man not beast crocked.
Sympathy to everyone dealing with obstinate parents who are convinced they manage fine and don't need outside help.

Visited DM on Sunday. Now pretty sure DM doesnt know what relationship I am to her. If asked I think she would get my name right but no more than that. I think she enjoys my visits. At least she likes the things I bring her. I try to bring her something each week, flowers or something I have made for her.

It feels transactional or even dishonest, I'm bribing her with gifts in the hope of 'good' behaviour in return. The gifts placate her and are a distraction from whatever complaint she is in the middle of when I arrive.

DB turned up so had a brief chat. He is still not convinced DM has dementia (which he insists on calling 'age related dementia'). Would much rather believe that what she is suffering from is some sort of long term depression/PTSD.

I think there are two reasons for this:

1. Intellectual snobbery, dementia is a sign of mental weakness/laziness. In his world view only stupid people get dementia.
2. The need for DM's condition to be somebody's fault. PTSD/depression would mean that somebody had fallen short in their care of DM. DB desperately needs someone to blame.

Thanks everyone, I managed to get an appointment for one of the nice lady doctors this morning and she has prescribed HRT for me. I was kind of surprised as she asked me to choose between antidepressants and HRT. She said the interim situation where you’re waiting for a crisis to force the elderly DPs to the next stage is often the hardest for families.

I hope the HRT helps as I am conscious i am moaning so much on here and so many have it harder and for longer. This thread is so helpful.

@GnomeDePlumeyour B really is a grade A knob isn’t he.
I wonder if he’s also trying to convince himself that this could never happen to him. It’s rather unsettling to see your potential dismal future laid bare in front of you.

Very insightful post.

Yes, knowing what may lie ahead can be unsettling.

I'm glad you've seen your doctor @rookiemere

HRT works wonders. I just think it's amazing stuff. You'll be amazed at your new lease of life.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne @GnomeDePlume Reading through the thread, I can see mention of a book relating to dealing with elderly parents with cognitive decline but can't seem to find more details. Would you possibly be able to post the name- I'm trying to understand more about what's coming and how to deal with it and I'd be really interested to read something others have found useful.

GnomeDePlume- you have my sympathy having a brother who refuses to accept what's happening. Mine is also trying to pretend that mum's got nothing other than general slowing down in old age plus a bit of tiredness/stress/physical illness. I think for him it's partly that by putting off accepting what's happening he can also put off having to talk about the uncomfortable reality that he is going to have to either consider residential care for mum (which she has always said she doesn't want, but which recently she's come close to suggesting herself may be a nicer option for her at some stage) or make some huge changes to his own lifestyle to provide the care at home by family the way we know she'd prefer. He's always been a procrastinator and terrible at planning. So far our parents have always been around to sort things out for him when this approach results in crisis and I can't help thinking that in a weird way he's extra reluctant to make plans because that means accepting that his safety net is no longer there. But I may be feeling unusually charitable towards him and it could be as simple as knowing that by refusing to accept that plans need to be made he knows I'll end up doing it all.

It's called Contented Dementia by Oliver James I believe@bigbootsweather