Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

Since mum’s mixed dementia diagnosis this autumn she’s gone downhill. There are signs all over the house reminding her of this and that, and she just ignores them. Next job is to hide the walking sticks so she always uses her rollator.

Will she use the rollator though?

You may find that she won't recognise it, and will just set off to look for her sticks without using any kind of walking aid.

If that happened she'd be more likely to fall. Maybe her using the sticks is the least worst option.

That was my experience too @FriendlyGreenAlien , mum looked at her walking frames as if to say what the heck is that and wobbled off in search of her sticks. Her brain just did not compute that it was a walking aid if no one was there to guide her to use it. Her dementia logic was that her increasing number of falls was fine because she bumped a different part of her body each time and she could always get herself back up (until the time she didn’t and the carer found her and rang 999).

@FriendlyGreenAlien it is the horrible thing with dementia that it just keeps on progressing.

We are now at the angry/aggressive stage.

@Dormit sounds like you did a bang up job and your Mum has a good chance of getting the treatment she needs soonish (I know... famous last words). Christmas in hospital doesn't seem bad from what I've seen, they try quite hard to make it jolly.

Got rung up by Discharge - this is the thing, they write my number on the notes but not that I am two counties away - she was fine, it's just the patient transport is crawling round in their god-awful traffic and she's more likely to be home for, well, bedtime. Carers are all primed and ready, she just wanted to see if there was anyone around who could give her a lift.

Sadly I don't think either Discharge Lady or me managed to persuade her to get a disabled-friendly (accessible?) taxi to get home faster - it's not the money, I think she'd rather wait for the known than risk the unknown. It is up to her after all.

Good she's well enough (and I do think so!) to go home though!

...work was full time but at least once you were off you really were off, I think I got rung up a very few times in well over ten years.

How is your DM doing @GnomeDePlume?

I am feeling frustrated today. DF was worse with his breathing last night and this morning so DH went up there. I swapped with him and phoned his respiratory team for advice who said call an ambulance. They said 6 hour wait and could I get him to A&E myself. DF refusing to go via taxi even if I put him in his wheelchair from the front door to the taxi and again at the other end. Left ambulance in place as typically once a doctor or paramedic tells him he has to go to hospital he does go, waited 3 hours just in case they turned up, he then phoned and cancelled the ambulance when I was in the loo. After he cancelled it I said well if you are feeling better I will go home and DH will come up later to check on you. He then asked is DH coming up now because he feels he needs someone to be with him all the time. At this point I put my foot down and said if that is how unwell he feels he needs to go to hospital because noone can be there all the time. The kids are now on holiday and I am working tomorrow, it is not feasible or reasonable. So I made sure his careline is working properly just in case and left.

That sounds so frustrating @Choconuttolata . I think you were right to put your foot down.

DM's breathing is a bit better, thank you for asking. She hasnt had further ABs or a chest xray. I have said to DB that I am not keen for her to go to the hospital.

DM now seems to be entering an angry/aggressive stage. Throwing punches, shouting etc.

Have you asked if she could be given a mild sedative @GnomeDePlume

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne when DB suggested it in the past he was looked at in horror. Though that was when DM was in hospital.

The CH wont administer anything which hasnt been prescribed by the GP. The GP is as responsive as a house brick. DB would be in prime position to administer a nightly phenergans but that would mean breaking the rules in his head.

Everything I have read about the anger/aggression says that it is in response to an unmet need. But what the hell are we supposed to do if that 'need' is to go and meet her DF (who died 45 years ago) off the train?

It depends on her memory duration. I suppose you could set up a fake train station, maybe walk her outside into the garden to a bench and have some tickets ready, get a member of staff to punch them then sit waiting. The train could be delayed and you could suggest getting a cup of tea in the waiting room (dining room) whilst you wait. That might distract her a bit. It is hard.

@Choconuttolata I get what you are saying but it's her DPs she wants. In her mind her DParents are still alive and just away somewhere. Before her latest chest infection she would often be found crying at the end of a corridor because she couldnt find her parents. She doesnt remember that they have been gone for decades.

Dementia is such a cruel disease. We are robbed of DM and DM is robbed of the comfort of her family.

It is very, very cruel your poor DM 😞

@GnomeDePlume IME phenergan (and all the antihistamines) usually make things worse, so maybe it's a good thing that your brother is unwilling.

If the GP is unhelpful can you ask for a referral to the palliative care team? They're much more likely to understand the issues and 100% more likely to prescribe something like lorazepam.

Dont worry @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne I wasnt going to suggest DB give DM phenergans! DM takes so many different tablets, god knows what reaction an antihistamine would provoke.

I just remembered that the dosage on the bottle used to have an amount for elderly people. To be used as a sedative. This was 30+ years ago when I suspect sedating elderly people was more common.

This was 30+ years ago when I suspect sedating elderly people was more common

You're not wrong!
Probably over-sedating a lot of people.

But there's a definite place for sedation, and there's been a revolt against using it, to the detriment of patients who would benefit from the judicious use of something.

I emailed social services on Friday to say that mum will likely need more care when she is discharged to help her recover and that I would not be doing it. It’s the Christmas holidays and I want a rest and time with my children. I’ll still help but I want the responsibility on social services rather than me. Mum will pay the current agency privately for extra care if need be. She might be fine after the surgery and the existing two calls a day might be enough but I like to have a back up plan. I’m sat here having a cup of tea despairing about the state of my house 😩 I brought all my mum’s washing home with me because she said she’d not got enough things. Yet when I got to the hospital yesterday her suitcase hadn’t been unpacked and she had plenty. She’s back on the really shit ward she was on in September but this stay should only be short. Proposed discharge date is two days after Christmas. My eldest is ill and I don’t know if she’ll be here for Christmas either. My middle child has a bad cough and will be going to her dad’s on Christmas Day evening. I hate having to share my children at Christmas in particular. ExH always gets a chilled out Boxing Day with them leaning me and Ds to a sort of non-day on our own (his father died last year). We will have lots of new Lego to build and will watch tv and have a nice day but it always feels a bit meh. No family get togethers of my childhood. Speaking of family my sister has said she will visit mum on Christmas morning. We were surprised. We didn’t think she’d have time. I’ve told my mum this is an extreme way of getting out of helping peel the veg for Christmas dinner 😂 I feel like not bothering with anything and need to give myself a slap.

How's your mum's pain control at the moment @Dormit

And @GnomeDePlume any news on your mum's possible x-ray? How is she?

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne thank you for asking, going to see DM today so I will be able to judge for myself rather than going off DB's reports. DD is comibg with which always makes it more enjoyable.

Xray now booked for the new year.

Xray now booked for the new year

Is your mum likely to cooperate with having it taken? It sounds like a big upheaval for her.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne TBH I'm not sure and DB and I are wondering whether to decline it which we could via the GP.

I'm not sure what the point of it is. If DM has a chest infection then it's a bit late. Anything else and there probably isnt a lot which can be done.

I'm in agreement with this.
I'd ask them to cancel it if that's a possibility.
Your mother would have an awful time, getting to the hospital and back, and having to hold her breath for the x-ray etc. I also doubt if it would be of any clinical benefit.

Hello everyone. I’ve not been around for a while. Just popping back to say that it looks as though DFIL is getting near the end. He’s managing to take his Morphine orally at the moment but nothing else.

Unfortunately I have the ‘flu so can’t visit and can’t offer DH much in the way of support.

We’ve known this is coming for so long but somehow it’s always different when it’s here isn’t is?

@GnomeDePlume They don't need to do a chest x-ray to diagnose a chest infection or pneumonia. They can treat as if she has one based on symptoms and chest auscultation and give antibiotics anyway. The chest x-ray just confirms whether it is either a chest infection or pneumonia. If you do not feel moving your DM to take her to hospital and putting her through the stress will change treatment then voice your concerns to the GP.

If she becomes more unwell then considering whether hospital admission and IV antibiotics are in her best interests is another discussion that needs to be had. If you and DB are on the same page it will be easier.

When my MIL had sepsis he was the only sibling that agreed to stop treatment in line with his mother's wishes. She had a DNAR, his siblings wanted to override her wish to not be resuscitated or have further treatment if her quality of life would be even more severely limited. She would have likely had limb loss if she had survived and been bed bound which she didn't want. She knew her wishes having already survived sepsis and six months in ITU after major life changing surgery. The doctors agreed and with his permission respected the DNAR. It became very difficult for him after her death as his siblings bore resentment towards him, he still doesn't have a good relationship with his sisters now.

https://cks.nice.org.uk/topics/chest-infections-adult/diagnosis/assessment/

I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the support you have given this past week.

When I went to visit Dad yesterday, he told me that he'd really quite like to stay at the Home if it was OK with me. He's been doing lots of activities and I think he actually enjoys all the attention, and the comings and goings. There's also (decaf) tea every half hour. It was lovely to just be able to watch a film together whilst holding his hand and not be worrying about him.

I'm still a bit wobbly emotionally as it's a big change, but I'm getting there. As my sibling pointed out, had my mother still been here, she would probably have thrown in the towel way back. So thank you all. 😊 💐

Ah that is lovely to hear @unsync I am glad he likes it there and you get to enjoy quality time just being his daughter now.