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Elderly parents
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10
countrygirl99 · 16/12/2025 20:36

When I read posts like these I'm really glad mum never phones. I just wish she'd answer it though, I'm the nearest and I'm still an hour away so I can't check on her between the morning and evening visits or let her know any important information. They all seem one extreme or the other, don't they.

PermanentTemporary · 16/12/2025 20:56

@bigbootsweather I think you’d have to have a conversation with your aunt too - she might not understand or approve but if she’s going to be the next call she needs to be informed I guess.

NDornotND · 16/12/2025 22:05

DM is currently in a care home with delirium and phones at all hours for various reasons. Recently she phoned at 6 am to ask me to take in her big bottle of moisturiser that I had seen that day in her bathroom at the care home. Last night she phoned at 10 pm distraught because she thought that DF was splitting up with her (he isn't, it's something the malevolent voices told her) so I had to reassure her that was not the case. DF is at home and wears a falls alarm for which I am the first contact, so for the last couple of weeks I have been blocking mum's phone number when I go to sleep and unblocking it when I wake up - so that I would still get the call for the falls alarm if needs be - although DB came to stay with DF again at the weekend and will be there for the next few weeks at least, so I guess I could just put it completely on mute overnight now...

I was particularly pissed off last weekend as I wend to a christmas lights trail with DS1, DDIL and DGS. I was only there for about 2 h. Within the first half hour DF called twice (he couldn't open the garage door and DB had not arrived, despite initially saying he would be there from the previous evening), DS2 called because DF had tried him, but he hadn't picked up immediately, then didn't answer (because he was talking to me) when he tried to call him back, and DM called to ask if anyone was going to visit her (I had taken DF the previous 2 days and had assumed that DB would take him that day). I mean (FFS!) I barely ever get to do things like that! Anyway, I had a lovely time in the end, but it was somewhat irritating.

GnomeDePlume · 17/12/2025 10:46

DM is sleeping more and more now. Around 20/24. She is getting weaker as a result which I think is contributing to various pains she has especially in her back. It's a vicious circle because she then spends more time in/on her bed.

No more has been said about moving DM to the secure wing but the CH has the relevant paperwork for a DOLS if it becomes necessary. However I dont see DM recovering so we have solved another 'yesterday's problem'.

DB is finding the whole thing difficult. Staff were thin on the ground yesterday. I pointed out this was likely sickness so all CH will have the same problem given the flu going round. They cant just magic extra staff out of nowhere. I pointed out to him that better a CH with skeleton staff than being stuck at home with no carer coming in.

I'm sure he knows this but I do worry sometimes that his passive aggressiveness in interactions with staff may result in worse care for DM.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 17/12/2025 17:07

I'm sure he knows this but I do worry sometimes that his passive aggressiveness in interactions with staff may result in worse care for DM

@GnomeDePlume it might be worth having a word with a sympathetic member of staff, and telling them that you're sorry if your brother sometimes says tactless or rude things.

MysterOfwomanY · 17/12/2025 17:24

@GnomeDePlume I imagine the experienced staff have seen EVERYTHING and have hides of Kevlar. But no harm in reassuring the staff that he's always like that, I guess.

We have delivered clothes & fruit, cleared dodgy stuff out of the fridge, removed cat poo from the litter tray, bribed treated the cat (who the sainted neighbours are feeding), topped up the water, cleared away the rubbish from the paramedics' visit, and are now in the hospital Costa before braving the shitty traffic home.
I was told that the 2 wrapped presents on the table were for the neighbours. There were, however, 3 presents, so thank the lord for phone cameras; I now know which ones go to whom.
And there is a backup plan for renewing the house insurance if she's not turned out soon.

Had half a bit of cake too & missing an exercise class to do this ... No surprise why most of us get fatter when we're doing all this.

FiniteSagacity · 17/12/2025 23:34

Just popping in, needed a gin. Thanks all for sharing here so I feel less alone and not the only one expected to fix everything even though I can’t do anything right. Solidarité!

Rare non-medical appointment outing (from nursing home) in the spirit of complying with DF wishes expressed during DoLS for more freedom… thankfully there was a team of us because it is no longer possible to leave DF unattended for a minute! Every outing needs planning and flexibility and low expectations. I’m exhausted but grateful this wasn’t a hospital emergency and we can drop him back to where he is safe and warm.

Dormit · 18/12/2025 07:28

I could do with gin too, but making do with a cup of tea. Mum told me yesterday that my delightful brother has told her that I should get a job and she should go in a home. He’s seen her three times in 12 months and has no idea whatsoever about any of it. I’ve not seen him in 11 years. My sister is apparently off work with stress so nothing can be expected of her. I’ve been signed off since September but a couple of weeks ago the DWP declared me fit for work. Mum fell this week and has had two trips to A&E. I’m waiting to hear what’s happening after she was taken in last night. Her social condition has worsened and I’m hoping they’ll do the surgery sooner than planned but then worried she’ll die from the surgery. I know it’s a risk for all surgeries involving a GA but in my heightened state of anxiety I’m more worried. A CT scan has shown some white matter blood vessel damage which supports my theory of vascular dementia. I need to try and be more patient with mum. Now that I know what’s going on with her brain it’s no longer a worry if it’s dementia, it seems that it is so I can learn how to manage that better. I’ll see what the outcome of her spinal scan is and whether happens next before making any decisions about increasing her care. Mum wants to stay at home and apart from the mobility issues is self caring with personal hygiene, eating and drinking, sorts the washing off the maiden and puts it away, can hang out small items in the line, can make very simple meals independently and if she could walk and stand better she’d be doing most of her own things. With help but she could do it herself. She doesn’t need to be in a home but if she did I would be saying it and making that happen. Her home is fully adapted to her mobility issues. The cognitive changes are relatively mild and only went much worse lately because of the UTI then reversed. I’m not overly worried about her cognition, it’s just hard work due to my own emotional limitations at the moment. Her mobility is the main issue. Don’t you just love how those who have no fucking clue about their own parent think they know best. Especially men. Delightful brother absolved himself of any responsibility a couple of years back when the PoA was done and said he wanted nothing to do with it. My two oldest siblings were put down with me as a back up (without consulting me) until I spoke with mum and she realised that they wouldn’t be able to actually do anything. For all I’ve been very stressed with it all I actually enjoy looking after my mum and we are very close. They wouldn’t have a clue what to tell paramedics or doctors if something happened when they were with her rather than me. They don’t know her likes and dislikes. They still don’t get why I went NC with them after they told me I could be their sister if I was no longer me. I needed to change who I was to meet their unknown criteria. That me is autistic with ADHD so I don’t have much choice there on the me that I am. So insulting. My 10 year old Ds is great with his grandmother and rarely complains about going to help her. He enjoys spending time with her and they are really close. I have told my dc that I wouldn’t want them to look after me though if I needed care. They’ve done enough for grandma, especially the youngest because I’ve got nobody to look after him while I look after mum although I’m normally only there while he’s at school then we go and see her at the weekends. Unless there’s something urgent.
Social services were due to come today to do a review of mum’s care (which is still really good although they aren’t very good at washing up). I’ve postponed it but am going to ask about respite care options for if things get too much and I need a proper break. Just to have as a back up in my mind.
In other news I had my PIP assessment yesterday and the woman was so lovely. She said if the DWP decline my application that I should definitely appeal. I’d use the money for a cleaner to do my own home and physio for my poor back.
Roll on school finishing tomorrow. Ds has struggled so much this term with illness and some school staff being utter bastards to him. Some children too. He’s exhausted and needs a good rest. He’s excited for Christmas and we go on holiday in February half term so something to look forward to.
Thanks for the brain dump. I’d be completely alone if not for this thread. Thanks for listening. I’ve made a cake, would you all like a generous slice with a cup of tea or coffee?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 18/12/2025 09:07

Oh Dormit that all sounds so stressful.

Most people on this thread seem to have difficult, obstructive brothers.

Don't raise your hopes with PIP.
THEY ARE COMPLETE BASTARDS.

It's a bit early for gin but I'll have a small slice of cake.

Gin
bigbootsweather · 18/12/2025 09:21

@Dormit Thank you for the (virtual) cake. You're right, this thread is a lifeline for many of us. I don't know who started it, but we're all glad they did. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with even without an elderly parent to care for- I know it's easier said than done but it sounds like you do need to try to let your siblings look after your mum sometimes so you can have a break and some weekends free to spend with your DC. Could you perhaps keep a note book at your mum's place with important information about health/likes/dislikes etc that siblings/medics could have access too if they needed it? Just a thought, I know real life isn't as easy as that.

Today I have had to take (another) last minute day off work to take Mum to a medical appointment. DB has decided that she definitely does not have dementia and has involved himself in her medical assessments etc to make sure that I don't give people the 'wrong impression'. Which means that he took her for an appointment, didn't make any note of the outcome/follow up etc, asked them to send the next appointment info to mum's mobile and not mine (which is the usual arrangement). So last night he told me he remembered she has an important follow up appointment today and I need to take her, but he had no idea what time or even where (there are several local clinics she said she could be seen at). I've just had to travel over to mum at the crack of dawn (in case her appointment was early) and call her Dr to get the details. I feel trapped, because if I don't do this it will push her assessments back, which won't be good for mum and will allow DB to bury his head in the sand for longer. DM thinks DB is wonderful so won't tell him no if he wants to take her but it always ends in confusion as he assumes she remembers everything said in the appointment. My DB is another who is aggressive/unpleasant to HCP if they don't tell him what he wants to hear so whenever he's been involved I also find myself trying to explain that he worries about mum and finds it hard to come to terms with her not being as strong as she was.
On top of this, we now have (younger, very independent) MIL getting jealous that I am spending all this time with DM but DH has not increased his time with her. DH does explain that this is not pleasant, fun time together.

ThunderFog · 18/12/2025 13:13

Popping in to send love and hugs.

I get to take Aged Relative to his cataract op, which he gets free on NHS. This is a blessing.

I'm supported by wonderful thoughtful siblings and cousins who all pitch in when they can. I'm so blessed.

Gonna dress up in my party clothes and boogie in the waiting room.

Christmas greetings to you all.

GnomeDePlume · 18/12/2025 18:30

DM has taken another turn for the worse. Possibly it is the chest infection back again. Talk of getting her an xray but I'm not sure how practical that actually is but no ABs will be prescribed until after the xray.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 18/12/2025 18:40

GnomeDePlume · 18/12/2025 18:30

DM has taken another turn for the worse. Possibly it is the chest infection back again. Talk of getting her an xray but I'm not sure how practical that actually is but no ABs will be prescribed until after the xray.

I'm very sorry to hear that. It's one thing after another for your mother at the moment.

What's your own view on treating your mum?
Are you okay with the possibility that ABs might be prescribed?

Mumbles12 · 18/12/2025 19:07

FIL has died. His sons were with him at the end. Now dealing with funeral planning. This thread has been so helpful to me over the past year. Thank you for all the kindness.

GnomeDePlume · 18/12/2025 19:20

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 18/12/2025 18:40

I'm very sorry to hear that. It's one thing after another for your mother at the moment.

What's your own view on treating your mum?
Are you okay with the possibility that ABs might be prescribed?

Thank you.

I don't honestly see the purpose in giving ABs now. I do wonder if the xray is a way of getting an 'out' of treating DM.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 18/12/2025 19:23

DB isnt ready though. He still wants every effort to be put into treating DM.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 18/12/2025 19:25

@Mumbles12sorry for your loss.

MysterOfwomanY · 18/12/2025 19:52

@Mumbles12 sorry. Good luck with the funeral. Be prepared for it to bring out the weird side in someone....

@Dormit I wonder if that was code for "they always deny PiP the first time, then you appeal, then most people do get awarded it on appeal".
Afraid I don't have any useful experience, the friend who gets PiP has 2 nonfunctioning limbs and can't see, so they couldn't really deny it in that case.

Had a nice catch up today with another older relative - he's 80 now but not really that "elderly" yet. I have PoA for him too so I'm hoping he'll be like his Dad, who went on fairly well until his 90s. Sadly I don't have those genes.

Dormit · 18/12/2025 21:41

@Mumbles12I'm so sorry to hear about your FIL. It must be a comfort his sons being there with him.

@GnomeDePlumethat’s a tough one. I hope she’s made comfortable, wherever the plan is.

My mum came home last night and I got an ambulance out to take her back to A&E. She shouldn’t have been discharged and wasn’t safe at all to be on her own. She had red flag symptoms for cauda equina again. I spoke to the orthopaedic doctor in A&E this morning and told him that I wanted her spinal team to review her and spoke to her consultant’s secretary who sent an urgent message to him to alert him she was in A&E. Within an hour she’d had an MRI scan and admitted to orthopaedics where she will now stay until she has the surgery she was having in January. They are hoping to do it next week so of course that means she’ll be in hospital over Christmas. I’ve been fighting tears all day because I think I’ve only ever had two or three Christmases without being with my mum. She’s very stoic about it but I know she’s upset. I’ll get an uber and take her presents. Since my dad died I admittedly spoil her. We never had much growing up but she always made an effort to get me a little something extra. I’m definitely her favourite 😂 my siblings are much older and had left home by the time I was 5. Now she’s on her own I like to do the same. She tells me off for buying her too much but she deserves nice things. Nothing extravagant really but books by favourite authors and favourite chocolates and things for the house or garden. Father Christmas always leaves her something under our tree too. I was hoping to watch Mass from Knock on Christmas Eve with her but won’t be able to now. Maybe I’ll go to church instead in her honour. Ah it’s so shit. This crap should be banned at Christmas.

Theres plenty of cake left for anyone who wants it. I actually went out for a meal with Ds tonight and ate a proper meal for the first time in ages. Girl can’t live on pink wafer biscuits and tea alone apparently. So the stomach cramps say 😩

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 18/12/2025 22:32

GnomeDePlume · 18/12/2025 19:20

Thank you.

I don't honestly see the purpose in giving ABs now. I do wonder if the xray is a way of getting an 'out' of treating DM.

It'll be very difficult and a great upheaval for her, to get your mum X-Rayed.

I'd be inclined to say that you don't believe it's of any benefit, and will likely cause great distress.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 18/12/2025 22:35

@Mumbles12 I'm very sorry to see that your FIL has died.
Flowers

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 18/12/2025 22:37

@Dormit that's so sad, both for you and for your dear mum.

Mind you, at least she's being properly cared for now.

Do go to Mass in her honour. I'm sure you'll get a lot of comfort from it.

Choconuttolata · 18/12/2025 23:28

Sorry for your loss @Mumbles12 how are your DH and BIL bearing up?

@Dormit sorry to hear your Mum is back in hospital, it sounds like you did a good job of fighting her corner to get her the care she needed. Maybe there is a way you can bring some Christmas traditions to the hospital to share with her?

DF is bad again today, breathing worse and seems quite vacant, DH has gone up there to check on him tonight. I forsee another admission if he carries on like this.

MotherOfCatBoy · 19/12/2025 07:13

Sorry to hear that @Mumbles12 , hope your DH is ok.

@Dormit I think you should give yourself a massive pat on the back for all the hustling you did to get your Mum the correct treatment, way to go! Look on the bright side - she will now get the surgery she needs and in the meantime you get a bit of a break and can spend more time with your DS as you know she is looked after in hospital. I’m sure they’ll let you go to see her on Christmas Day.

Some small victories this week - I can finally access Dad’s bank account with Barclays online which will make things easier now all their surrounding branches have closed, and Talk Talk have recognised my POA so I can continue to give them merry hell about leaving my Dad without phone service for a week 🤬

ThunderFog · 19/12/2025 07:42

@Mumbles12 , sorry for your loss.

@Dormit your poor mum, so uncomfortable. I'm sure she needs presents and fun now more than ever.

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