Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

Hi everyone, I need a handhold! My mum moved close to us recently and I knew it would be challenging as we have never had family around. My marriage is now feeling the strain and with 3 days left until Xmas I’m not sure we are going to get through it. We have a child so we are going to have to find a way through. Today, I am just ready to burst 🙈

Phonecall from DF care agency today, carer raised a concern that his COPD is progressing. I know!!! This condition does worsen over time. The respiratory team knows, the GP knows, he is also on new medication for fluid retention due to pulmonary hypertension and has a follow up blood test booked with the GP just after Christmas. On Friday he refused to go to hospital on the advice of the respiratory team and cancelled the ambulance.

Carer also didn't call me directly like they usually do or an ambulance if they were that concerned. DH went up there to check on him, he was absolutely fine sitting on the sofa watching TV. 🤷

He then said to DH that he felt he deserved for him to come back up later and put him to bed. He has just phoned to demand he comes as soon as possible.

@unsync That's so good that he has happily settled in there. Big change but he's safer now hopefully.
@Choconuttolata so very demanding and unfair. What happens if you say no? And I appreciate that is really hard.
@Newmum738 Solidarité, it's so hard. A good friend's marriage nearly broke up over the demands her mother placed upon her.
@SleafordSods sorry to hear that. My FIL died last week. I thought last Christmas that he was suddenly very frail but I wasn't at all prepared for this final year. I hope things go peacefully for you all.
We spent all of yesterday sorting paperwork and reduced a mountain (a very well organised one as he was mentally sharp until the end) to two essential files. One file will come with us to the solicitors and registrar so I feel that we are prepared for that now. DH and I just ploughed through the sorting all day and he feels relieved that it is done. Shredded kept overheating and cutting out so still shredding to do....

@unsync I am glad your DF is settling in. It sounds like he is in the right place.

Visited DM yesterday. She seemed quite cheerful but is now refusing to eat. Quite happy drinking but doesnt want food. I wonder if this is another dementia progression, loss of all appetite.

DD showed DM her latest scan pictures. I dont think she could actually see them but is so happy about DD's pregnancy.

DM is so suggestible. She will latch onto a name, place, idea and it will get absorbed into her story. She told us yesterday that she, DM, is pregnant!

Thanks @Mumbles12there is nothing like Christmas to add a bit of stress 🙈

I’m sorry your mum is adding lots of extra stress. I saw that as a child with my dad resenting how much time my mum spent on her mum who lived a mile away. As a child I thought dad was being mean but now as an adult I can see that grandma was actually only a couple of years older than I am now, perfectly healthy and capable but had my mum doing her cleaning, laundry and shopping as she was a widow. And dad saw perfectly well how unreasonable Grandma was and much stress she put on mum.

of course that meant as Grandma aged and did genuinely need help, mum was already primed to be her on call carer.

Mum is going for her surgery soon. There’s a 1 in 20 chance of something serious going wrong so we have both been in tears. I’ve spoken to the surgeon and he’s happy to go ahead and the risk physically is less than last time. It’s because she’s now got a known heart problem. The cardiologist thinks she’s had it for years so she may well have had it when she had the last surgery as it’s something that comes and goes. The surgeon has said he’ll phone me after the surgery. She’s says she’s not had a bad life if anything happens. I’m a mess.

Hugs Dormit. How stressful.
I'll be thinking of you.

Oh Dormit what an awful wait for you.

Gnome my DM isn’t as advanced in her Dementia but there is a little incorporating of information going on all the same.

I had to smile at your DM saying she was PG, did you offer to do some knitting for her?

Thank you. I’ve not stopped crying.

Have a very unMN hug Dormit. It sounds as though you could do with one

Thank you. The surgeon just rang and it went well and she’s back on the ward so I’ll go and see her soon. Im
ao relieved. He asked if she was staying with me over Christmas but she’d rather not. I’ll see how she is and plan accordingly but he’s hoping to have her home for Christmas which is great and saves on the uber fare to the hospital with a sleigh full of presents 🤣

Good news @Dormit you must have been so stressed 💐

Fantastic that she’ll be out of hospital @Dormit as that was one of the things you were sad about - good news!

Now that's lovely news Dormit.

So glad she’s back on the ward safely

That is great news @Dormit .

I’ve been to see mum and she was uncomfortable but ok. She held my hand and was a bit emotional after this morning. She’s been through a lot in the last 3 years.
Thanks for the handhold. This Christmas is hitting me hard after holding it together so much this year. I broke yesterday over a song that came on that made me think of ds’s dad who died suddenly last year. Poor lad never knew him because he didn’t want another child so that was that. Saw him once as a toddler when we travelled 3.5 hours on the train and furled out for a hotel to see him. Ds is amazing and so full of love and affection that his dad truly missed something wonderful. It makes me really angry so I don’t think about it too much. Tough time of year.

I am feeling very sorry for DB tonight. DM has been very abusive towards him and I think he is badly upset by it. He has left DM to the carers to sort out.

In some ways it has hit him hard because he has always been DM's favourite. He is now finding that this counts for nothing when the geriatric toddler rage is upon her.

Gnome your mother's rage towards your brother may be a blessing in disguise.
He'll be better able to see the dementia diagnosis in all its hideous glory, and he will also have to admit (to himself anyway) that she is clearly deteriorating mentally.
With that in mind, you'll hopefully find it easier to issue a variation of a virtual "cease and desist" on the subject of e.g. treating your DM for infections.
Are you still jointly on the health POA with your DB? Did your mother express her wishes regarding medical treatment, while she still had capacity?

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne H&W LPA in place with DB & I on it jointly and severally. There is a letter which states that DM no longer has capacity. I will contact her GP to make sure they know about the LPA. DM has a DNR in place as well.

I think you are right about DB. The scales slipped from his eyes last night. Dementia is claiming DM.

DM doesnt want to eat now. My view is that we dont push it.

You right not to push to get her to eat. At this stage they have so little control of their life, not eating is a decision that can be safely left to her.

@GnomeDePlumeas awful as it is having to make the decision i do agree wirh you on not encouraging her to eat.

If she doesn’t want to eat she may be well be losing the capability to chew and swallow food safely which poses both risks of choking and chest infections developing. Not eating is also a natural stage of Dementia, even if it’s horrible to experience.

DH has been given the all clear to start driving again which is great news. Just in time to do o the late night run to the airport last Friday to pick up DS2 and DIL 😁.
I had a lovely day in the Peak District with them yesterday revisiting Mam Tor where they got engaged.
Been up to see mum today and found a couple issues that I won't be able to deal with until after Christmas so I'm trying not to get too stressed about them. Having to argue the toss about the most important one because it will cost £250 to £300 to sort properly and he's trying to argue it isn't necessary. Except it's a massive safety issue and took up about 90 minutes of my time today getting an emergency engineer out to check.

DM doesnt want to eat now. My view is that we dont push it

You're instinct is right.

People with advanced dementia do not seem to feel hunger.
Trying to persuade them to eat (by offering food all the time) is counter-intuitive to our instincts - we naturally try to encourage ill people to eat.

But of course, sometimes there's no real hope of recovery, and that's when it's not a good idea to do this.