Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

@unsync I have a couple of friends who work/have worked in care homes. When discussing mum they have both said to me that short respite breaks are very disruptive where dementia is an issue and it needs to be 2 weeks at the very minimum, preferably 4 or more to allow someone to settle in. Short respite breaks often cause unsettled behaviour and distress for weeks after returning home putting relatives off trying again.

@unsync It’s a horrible choice to know when it’s the right time. FWIW, although my mum never wanted to go in a home, once she was there it was so clear that it was the best place for her. The staff there have far more knowledge and skills and equipment (and patience!) for looking after her than I could manage.

Once I realised that even if I lived with mum, I couldn’t provide her with the 24hr care/supervision that she needs, it helped offset the guilt quite a lot.

Oh, and mums GP was of the opinion that it’s better to move people too early than too late to give them a better chance of settling in. Obviously not when they’re perfectly capable(!), but when you’re in the grey area of sometimes ok, sometimes not. If you’re asking yourself “is it time”, then you’re pretty close IMHO.

The lovely lady from the home he went to for respite before has just been. We are "off for afternoon tea" shortly and he is happy to go. Luckily he remembers being there before. He currently understands that I'm unwell and is OK to stay whilst I recover. Thank you all for the input, it is much appreciated. 🙏

Glad that they had space @unsync it does sound as if the current home living situation was unsafe and unsustainable for you. Now you can visit and have energy to spend quality time with him. Is this as respite or are you thinking it will transition to long term.

@unsync very sound advice from @funnelfan . The CH my DM is in is far better equiped for caring for her than we could have ever achieved in her own home.

Something which has happened with my DM is that her memory of 'home' is now a rose-tinted memory of her childhood home. Her parents are alive there. She would be horrified & terrified if we took her back to her bungalow.

FWIW I think you're doing the right thing in considering keeping him in the care home me.
Please don't feel guilty. You've done an amazing job and the care home staff will also do an amazing job.
You're not abandoning your dad. You're letting him experience a better quality of life than you can give him now.

Also, if he's in his nineties, you're presumably in your late sixties or seventies. I'm 69 and for years, I was matron of a nursing home for dementia patients. I couldn't imagine doing full on care for someone at my age now.

Don't forget @unsync that women of our age who are carers definitely experience extreme health problems of their own, as a result of endless caring. It isn't good for us, and it's been shown to shorten our lives.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne My parents were late bloomers for their era, I'm late 50s. I know that as much as he wants to be at home, it's just not the right environment for him. He's past knowing what is best for himself sadly. I just need to remind myself that what he wants and what he needs are not currently the same thing.

We did have a conversation years ago when talking about care options when he was still able to think rationally. We agreed that if it got to the point where I couldn't cope or it was unsafe for either or both of us, he wouldn't be able to stay home. We reached that point this weekend. Doesn't make it easier though. 😕

They say moving house is the most stressful thing you ever do. However I've decided moving a parent the week before Christmas is far far more stressful 😂 If we all survive this week without anyone falling out or coming to harm will be a Christmas Miracle. If we make it Christmas day I will be shocked 🤣

My mum sometimes says she'd like to be in a home she finds doing the housework too much bother. She has a cleaner do all the cleaning and laundry. Her main problem is loneliness although she insists she has a busy social life meeting up for coffee/lunch with friends who are either dead or housebound or going to activities that stopped running over 2 years ago. As far as I can tell her only regular activity is a church run weekly lunch club. I think with the right care home she would be happier, too late for extra care, but she won't consider moving from the small town she lives in - so those dead and housebound friends can visit every week. But the town is so small there are only two homes, one of which will only take early stage dementia and the other is beyond grim and she would be climbing the walls with boredom. I tried showing her a lovely home near me, with a good range of activities and being close I could take her for outings to nice cafés, a pub lunch, nice garden centre every couple of weeks for as long as she is up to it. But those dead and housebound friends wouldn't be able to visit every week. And so we plough on.

I've always known that the timing of a move is critical but I've found it surprisingly hard to judge when you're living it.

Moving my parent currently has made me realise I'd totally underestimated exactly how much support they've needed to achieve it. Cognitively they are reasonably good currently but physically and emotionally they've found it tough and the organisation and logistics have needed to be done entirely by my dsis and I. Luckily it was their idea to move (and we just ran with it!!) but it has dawned on me that we nearly missed the boat - i genuinely dont think theyd have managed the upheaval if we had left it any longer.

And it will be lovely - I just need to get through this week without losing the plot 😂

My mum and dad’s current provider for their emergency contact in case of falls etc is ceasing trading.
Who do you all use, they wear bracelets that can be pressed if they need help.

thank you

My DF's is linked to the local council, I found it by looking at the local NHS falls prevention service website.

DMs is also linked to the local council and I found them through the council website.

Ye my parents was linked to the local council but they are stopping providing this next year.
Does anyone use Tunstall, they state they are a national provider but are local to us too

Anyway hopefully she's going to be ok until Xmas Day.
Feel so much better at the prospect of her getting out a bit and things being on a more stable footing.

Balls. Spoke too early. Just got an email from her saying she rang 111 yesterday and she's in hospital now. (No idea why not a text or call). Round here they do something called, iirc, Virtual Ward? Where DNs whizz round keeping people out of hospital, pity they don't do that where she is.

@NotTheMrMenAgain it's still hard even when it's a "good" death. It's not unusual to be numb/relieved/dry eyed, by the way. I was. Don't worry.

Another relative - but a long way from here - is also in hospital. Everyone going down like nine pins...

Oh well. I am grateful for my DH, who's a rock, and also, that my DB cut ties with everyone and so at least is not winding anyone up!

Just so fed up of the awful awful traffic round my elderly relative's town....
Rang up and had we had to bellow at each other over a VERY LOUD BEEPING drip, but upshot is I'll bring in some clothes and fresh fruit tomorrow. Sounds like a crappy chest infection so the usual drill, antibiotics in the veins and oxygen up the nose.

Just reading recent threads on here it's hit me how many of us are feeling guilty and/or judged because we have decided that our parents need to move in to a care home (or in my case that I have realised that it's inevitable at some stage). No matter how many people on here tell us that it's the best thing for everyone, I think we're conditioned to think we have somehow failed our ER of that's the outcome. My FIL spend his last few years in a care home (due to complex physical and mental health needs) and the care provided was far better than could possibly have been achieved by family and a visiting carer a few times a day- not to mention giving MIL back a chance to have some time for herself, which meant she was in a better place to enjoy time with him/take him out for a drive etc rather than just dealing with today's crisis. Yet still I feel the weight of knowing that I will at some point need to move mum in to a home. I think as well as feeling we're giving up on her it is the idea of selling the house that she and DF spent years buying, like somehow we are throwing away their hard work. Which I know logically is crazy when the alternative would be family doing a poor job of trying to care for her and losing out on their own lives to do it.

Anyway. I just wondered if anyone has an tips or suggestions for dealing with late night phone calls from elderly parents? Mum does get confused but is aware enough to know that it is not a normal time to be calling. But she phones because to her it is an emergency. It's becoming more frequent (every few days unless she has someone staying with her) and can be any time between about midnight and 5.30am. It's usually because she says she feels dizzy, can hear voices (probably imagined) or something else that she can't explain other than there being a big problem (eg. slippers are not where she thinks she left them therefore someone is in the house and moving them). I feel I need to answer, just in case it's a real emergency like a fall etc but it is waking the whole household and becoming exhausting- particularly because it usually takes at least half an hour to calm her down by which time I'm fully awake so if it's 4am (as it often is) I don't get back to sleep again. It reminds me of when my DC were very young and not sleeping, where even when nothing happens I'm on edge waiting to be woken- except I'm 20+ years older than I was then! For numerous reasons residential care is not going to be accepted as an option at the moment and there isn't a way to share the burden of the calls with other family members because even if I could persuade them, it's me that she will call. I'd love to hear any ideas to calm her more quickly, or encourage her to be more careful when she calls (although I think the latter is unlikely as I'm sure she always thinks it's an exceptional situation). Or anything else that might help

Unplug your phone.

I have the opposite problem that my mum wants to move to a care home but SS are blocking it saying she doesn’t need it and can “manage” with two care calls a day?!
She messages and rings daily about perceived problems that we’re meant to solve immediately but we both work full time and live 30 minutes away (and work an hour away from her) so can’t always get there…..

(She can self fund for about 18 months but would then be at the mercy of SS….)

This is going to sound brutal but I’ve made my peace with having my phone on Do Not Disturb overnight and during working hours. It’s the only way to stop the calls. Yes, I have missed one emergency type call, but that was once in at least a couple of years. And it was dealt with and she was admitted to hospital without me needing to be involved.

Has she got a falls alarm that will call a control centre who can send an ambulance if necessary?

@bigbootsweather, i agree with @Heluvathing

You won’t be able to encourage your mum not to call at silly o’clock in the morning, if you haven’t already managed it.

You know what the best thing to do is, but you feel god awful doing it.

I'm in week 2 of feeling ill. Its only a cold but I feel completely wiped out. I've been struggling on but if I feel this bad tomorrow I'll give up and take a day off work. Meanwhile MIL is in perfect health and complaining as her trip to BILs gets closer.

@ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews @EmotionalBlackmail I think you're probably both right and I'll need to come to terms with switching the phone off. She does have a falls alarm but we're told the contact centre will speak to her then either alert her emergency contacts (me and DB) or call an ambulance depending on their assessment of the circumstances. She's never actually had to use the alarm (other than to test it) but I assume the contact centre would just try to alert me anyway if they didn't think an ambulance was needed but mum said she was in difficulties. I'm pretty sure that at least some of the time if she couldn't get me on the phone she would press the emergency button.

In the past, when she's decided she needs me but my phone is off for work meetings in the day I have come back to tons of missed calls from her and then texts/calls from my aunt (herself older and with physical health problems) telling me that she needs me urgently. I think aunt means to be helpful but does expect that I should be available 24/7.
Mum's recently widowed so I think I feel extra guilty because I know she's not used to being alone at night. Realistically, you're all right and I will need to just turn the phone off at night and deal with any consequences afterwards but I'm not sure I'm ready to do it yet.

@bigbootsweather total sympathy. A few years back when our utter mess began, when my father was hospitalised and subsequently required nursing facility care, my mother would ring me hourly, from 5 am until midnight. Every call she said ‘was a mistake.’ She old then proceed to monologue about the situation. She repeated the same pattern to my adult children. They live abroad and also in the UK at the other end of the country, one north one south. She would ring them they or I would answer and she would just be ranting. She has form doing this.

My partner at the time contacted her to ask her to stop. She has no diagnosis she has always been a difficult person. One sibling saw the text from my then partner, it was ot cruel it simply asked her to stop contacting us at inappropriate times. Sibling went ballistic. Not at the person who sent the actual text, which was needed as it was very intrusive. No they went ballistic at me.

Understand the turning the phone off but the dread in the morning is still there. It really is a important as adults to take responsibility for ourselves and if we are frail or vulnerable appreciate suggestions of others.

My phone is on DND from 9am to 9pm and often more - BUT, to be fair, I'm over an hour's drive away at the best of times so it makes no sense for me to be called first. If it's an emergency call 999, if not, it can wait...

I got a few overwrought calls and texts at needlessly unsociable hours and just couldn't, any more.