Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

Glad the new carers are working out Dormit

@rookiemere thank you. It has been a very hard week and we don't know how much longer it will last. Outcome is bleak. NHS carers start tomorrow and paid live in carer from Monday. His wishes on that have had to be over ruled as it's impossibly stressful to do it with just family. He's not lucid all the time now, it's really sad.

@Mumbles12 I'm so sorry it's come to this.
I hope he doesn't linger for too long, and that he is persuaded to take even more medication for symptom control.

He's quite right to avoid hospital. If you could all reassure him that this is off the table, he might be okay with having sufficient pain relief.

He does fully understand that he's not going to hospital. He has always been very determined!

Does he believe that having strong medication via syringe driver = imminent death?

Don't know, he won't explain, just refuses.

@Mumbles12 that does sound incredibly hard for you and your family. I hope that he isn't in too much pain.

Great news @Dormit about the carers and your Mum's pain relief working.

DF is definitely sliding here, emergency trip to hospital for his breathing earlier this week, he has been over using his inhaler and made his atrial fibrillation worse. I fear this will only continue with his anxiety and memory issues as he doesn't seem to take any advice about breathing exercises on board. Also calling multiple times a day wanting us to come there and wanting to be put into bed as he refuses to go up to bed with his carers.

@Mumbles12how awful for you all. I hope he will allow the pain relief and be comfortable. It’s so very sad.

I’ve received a Christmas card from a friend’s wife, saying he’s got dementia and she couldn’t manage to care for him at home so he has had to go into a care home. It must have been a sudden decline, as last Christmas he was writing himself. The wife sounds so apologetic
about him having to go into a home.

I will write back to her, but I’m not sure what to say. Obviously I’m so sorry to hear their news. He was a wonderful man and so inspiring at a key point in my career. But is she likely to want to know that now, it feels like the sort of thing I’d write in a sorry for your loss card?

I also want to ask whether visiting him might be appreciated. I live in a different part of the country now but could manage it if it was wanted. But he might not want someone who was a work colleague seeing him?

My previous experience of dementia has been with very elderly relatives so I’m a bit floored by someone so much younger and whom I knew in a different way developing it. He would be about 70
now, so not elderly. I don’t want to create extra work for his wife either, we all know how much she must have on her plate at the moment!

@EmotionalBlackmail i think all you can do is write the truth, that his diagnosis is sad news, that you hope the care home placement is working out well and allowing them both to spend time together in comfort. And that you are thinking of them both.

Also I wouldn’t ask her to make too many decisions about visiting. Plan a trip to the area for some other reason, tell her you will be nearby on dates Xx and would it be ok to visit him then? See what she says.

I've avoided joining in so , but these past few days have pushed me close to the edge. I've been live in with father in his 90s since lock down. Vascular dementia diagnosis in Jan 2020.

He's been manageable until fairly recently, but sudden decline this past week - wandering at night, fecal incontinence, lack of comprehension and then two falls today (Sunday), second of which needed ambulance to get him up. We're currently sleeping (sort of) in the sitting room as he can't stand long enough to even make it to the stairs, let alone go up them.

I've finally managed to get the memory service to come out (first time since diagnosis) and they're here Monday.

I'm thinking it's time for residential care as I believe he's not safe at home anymore and I'm near breaking point - WWYD? Maybe a few weeks and see how it goes?

Hello. It does sound like residential nursing home care is needed now.
I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation with your dad.
You must be exhausted.

Can you arrange respite care for now as an emergency measure, with a view to it becoming permanent?

By the way @unsync have you managed to look at any care homes yet?

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne He went for respite into a lovely care home in September. Once settled, he did really well and joined in with everything. I think it's the speed that has surprised me. I had hoped that by the time we got to this stage his cognition would be less so he wouldn't miss home so much. It's a bit of a shit that it's just before Christmas, but I'm not sure that he even knows it's just around the corner. I'm going to ring the home in the morning and hope they have a place. 🤞

Every sympathy from me @unsync .

My DM was diagnosed with vascular dementia a couple of weeks ago. From what I have seen vascular dementia seems to have a more 'stepped' progression than other forms of dementia.

It does sound like it is time for residential care for your DF. Is your DF likely to be self-funding? If so, that does make things more straightforward.

At no point have any 'authorities' been involved in sorting my DM's care. We are only involving them now because DM needs to move to a secure part of the CH which requires DOLS.

💐to you because dementia is a total barstard.

@unsync good luck, I hope they have a place straight away, it sounds like the time.

Thank you @GnomeDePlume and @PermanentTemporary He is self funding. We have all the legal stuff in place too.

We also have had no help from anyone at all since diagnosis in 2020. I get sporadic texts from the GP about a dementia cafe, but there has been no practical help given. When I spoke to SS, they didn't want to know as he's self funding and they refused to even assess his needs or give me a Carer's Assessment.

So no care training or advice, no assessments, no dietary help, no physio to help mobility, no cognitive exercises - nothing. It's actually quite shocking to think about how you are just abandoned to fend for yourself. I think it is cruel and abusive. I find it upsetting that so many of us are in the same boat. It is scandalous and disgraceful.

@unsync from my experience you constantly find yourself solving yesterday's problem.

DM's GP is pretty much useless. The CH pushed them to get a capacity assessment and diagnosis for DM as her behaviour deteriorated several months ago and it started to become clear she needed more secure accomodation. This assessment has only just happened.

We are now in the position to be able to move DM. Except that DM is now spending more and more time in bed. So I'm not sure if the move will be taking place.

So another 'yesterday's problem' has been solved.

My experience for DM (and my own experience in a different GP practice) is that healthcare is totally siloed. Even the GP service is siloed. No one puts it together.

Probably fairly typically, my DM has multiple health problems: hip, diabetes, heart, stroke. Each has been dealt with separately. Given her problems, vascular dementia was always a strong possibility but that diagnosis has come along too late to be of much use.

@unsyncsadly welcome.

I can’t add much practical advice but your last sentence about waiting a few weeks was so sad. He isn’t going to get any better and you aren’t going to get any less overwhelmed, in fact both things are likely to get worse. You have done an amazing job looking after him for so long but now is definitely the time to hand over to the professionals. If your DF wasn’t suffering from dementia he would want you to do this for the sake of your own welfare.

Well the guy from the memory service has been. It was what we should have had six years ago, but there was still some useful information. I've spoken to my father, he understands the need for respite, but will obviously forget soon. He really wants to stay at home long term and he's worried he'll never see me again if he's in a home. I've told him I'll visit every day whilst he's there.

Is it worth looking at live-in and more adaptations to enable staying at home? I'm really torn, it feels like I'm abandoning him.

Wondered if the symptoms are very suddenly bad could it be a urine infection or even a chest infection? My dad has had a few and they present as being awful but antibiotics (in hospital) do help. Do think a home would be better for you both long term. Don't feel guilty about it.

Thank you @bestbefore the paramedics did say a chest infection could cause issues, but when this episode started, his chest was clear. I think respite to give me a break and then make a decision once I'm in a better mental state.

💕Take care unsync.

I do think moving is disruptive - and there’s that to be considered if thinking about going backwards and forwards between your home and the nursing home.

Do give yourself a real chunk of time to recover - a month maybe - before thinking seriously about the future?