Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

@bigbootsweather @StillNiceCardigan Thank you - I have just had an absolute lightbulb moment of clarity - this is exactly my male sibling. Faffs about, talks too much, waffles, monologues how amazing he is and by his own admission even his own wife thinks he as BS’d his way through a (very erratic) career in education - apparently according to him he is an ‘experienced educator’.

He is also ‘big in his community’….his words. I have some friends in said community who I really value and are decent people who are very dubious about him but far too kind and polite to say what they truly think.

He never replies to any emails from the home our father is in or GP or social services regarding our parents but he uses email to ‘tell’ me what arrangements he requires to go on his annual cruise. I am awaiting this years demand.

He has lied outright to Social Services. Malcom Tucker was marginally better than the one I have. Oh mine has also told any one who will listen that my sister and I do not support our parents. Lies. When you try to reason with him he just shouts at you. He is awful. But also way out of his depth. Looks at his toxic parents through rose tinted glasses.

@bigbootsweather I'd slam the phone down on him.
In fact I wouldn't pick it up in the first place.

This is all making me realise that while my DB can be a pain, he is a dream by comparison with others.

This latest chest infection has taken its toll on DM. She is constantly tired and in pain in both hip and back. Spending more and more time in bed. Her dementia has moved on a notch as well.

Mum has an appointment with the GP this morning to discuss her tendency to get muddled. I’m going with her. She’s been much better since the UTI cleared so I’m really hoping it was that. There’s no doubt there’s cognitive decline and a lot of anxiety about her health but having seen the change in her yesterday I’m no longer as worried about dementia. She’s much more like my lovely mum. The physio was really impressed with her yesterday and her mobility is much better. She’s having spinal surgery in the new year and that should resolve most of her issues. She’s in so much pain and the surgery will erase most of that and she’ll be safer mobilising. Hopefully! She’s in much better spirits anyway and the new carers started yesterday. I don’t know how that went but they’d sent an email introducing themselves and saying who was in charge and who to contact for anything. No other agency has done that.

Someone up thread mentioned a care agency where visits are minimum one hour. I can't find it now. Can anyone remember the name? I wanted to suggest it to a friend.

I think its called Home Instead.

It was me who mentioned it. As @NattyKnitter116 says, it's Home Instead.

Thank you both.

It's worth asking around your local agencies, many offer longer minimums. The 15 minute visit is for funding purposes and is based on the need assessment.

@Isitsticky My DF's is Helping Hands they have been in the main very good, he has 4 calls a day. They do 30 minute minimum calls, which has been fine for the lunch call and bedtime call, he has 1hr 15 mins in the morning and 45 minutes at dinner time because of the need for a wash and/or medication at those times. Good care agencies will flex the time allocated for calls according to the assessment of needs.

@bigbootsweather and @BlueLegume your brother's sound very difficult to deal with. My Uncle was similar when my DM was trying to look after my DGM's needs before she died and it is just so hard dealing with it all plus battling against that mindset. I am impressed by your diplomacy I would have lost my shit long ago if DB was doing that given that he swans in and visits for a few minutes every six months or so, while we are at the coal face.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne The only reason I answer calls from DB is because I need to communicate with him for mum's care. I'd had minimal contact with him for years (didn't make a big thing of it, and I doubt he is even aware that it was intentional as he had no interest in spending time with me either) but now it's unavoidable. I have learned that responding to his outbursts makes them go on for longer so I try to just say something bland or ignore him and go on with doing things the way I planned to anyway.

After some messing about Mum has now been diagnosed with a UTI, which hopefully will explain why her dillusions were so bad this week. DB is counting this as proof that she definitely does not have dementia. I would love it to be true, and of course will fully support looking for physical illnesses to try to make things better for mum. But the reality is that she's been experiencing lots of symptoms for at least 9 months (I suspect far more, but she has been covering up what's happening) and I know that she's had UTIs etc ruled out previously so I think it would be wrong to stop getting assessments done. Hopefully he won't talk mum out of coming to her appointments. At the moment he has a few days off so is staying with her and playing dutiful son. I'm grateful to him for doing that but bracing myself for him deciding it's too difficult and expecting me to run over to take his place (he's done this before and never made it past 24 hours)

DH is currently up visiting my DPs. I am wondering if I am the mad one here.
They are at the stage ( in Scotland) where DM has 4 x carers per day to change her catheter, do her meds, ensure she is eating/prepare meals and clean her. DF now has two per day to give him his insulin and check his bloods and try to check for out of date food in the fridge and that he is eating adequately. As they are both resistant to simply getting Wiltshire foods the food ordering online and cooking is unnecessarily complicated. Meds are locked up so that DF doesn’t overdose himself or DM. DF has undiagnosed dementia- going through the process, and DM is more or less bed bound and can’t really speak any more, so it’s almost impossible to do anything over the phone and DF can sometimes email and sometimes not so that’s not reliable.
There is a weekly cleaner, gardener and either DH or I has to go up once a week to sort out the food order, any paperwork, take DF out now because he no longer drives ( this is new job) and lots of other random tasks. Plus the other online stuff oh and hairdresser visits to sort out.Oh and additional visits for any hospital appointments as DF can’t be trusted to get himself there and back and DM can’t communicate very mich.

It seems to me that it’s getting to a ridiculous level of care and support. Effectively we are running two households. I feel it’s time they start thinking about a home, but neither Dps nor DH seem to agree. I know social care want them to maintain their independence ( apparently mine doesn’t matter so much) for as long as possible even bizarrely when it’s costing the state more as they would be self funded in care. When do they say enough is enough, I have definitely had enough.

@rookiemere its such a slippery slope from helping out to the situation you find yourself in. Bluntly nothing about their life leans towards anything resembling independence.

Tough as the conversation is now is frankly the time for full time care in a home. You may find they improve somewhat in a home and then family can do family visits and chat and reminiscing as opposed to what you are doing now. Good luck

I sympathise, it really is a creeping process where you start off doing reasonable things (e.g. ringing up to get her shopping list then making the online supermarket shop order on her behalf) then the little extras gradually add in until you find yourself where you are. Asking where your life has gone.

ideally I’d say you need you and DH to be on the same page. We often talk of waiting for a crisis to force the issue, but usually we mean crisis with the elderlies. However too many people on this board get to a crisis point themselves before their elderlies do. I hope you manage to avoid that situation.

@rookiemere it's insane and you must feel like the only one who can see the insanity.

Do you think your DH needs you to be the 'bad guy' and say 'enough's enough'?

There is a lot of emotive language used around moving parents into a CH. Too many times I have seen (including on MN) it expressed as 'shoving them in a home'.

The reality is that it can be the best (or least worst) of some very crap options.

As things are, there is a real risk that one or other of your DPs is going to end up in hospital with an infection/fall/other crisis. Hospital in my experience is horrible for the elderly.

My DM ended up in hospital for 3 months after the fall which broke her hip. One thing triggered another as she lurched from one thing to the next. The person who left hospital was a fraction of the person who went in. The conversation I had with DM in A&E after her fall was the last properly sane conversation I had with her.

I know you know all this so I'm not lecturing you! Good luck.

Thanks @funnelfanand @BlueLegume.

DH seems quite perky after his visit and is going up next Friday and so they creak on. My concern is that he isn’t well known for his staying power and will get them used to a level of support that isn’t really compatible with all his other retirement plans.

But there is little point trying to make long term plans these days, and I have spoken to a local care home that does respite care and is opening soon so doesn’t have a waiting list, so I can use that when/if the crisis happens. Without DHs support I can’t really push for a home, all I can really do is try to keep to my own boundaries.

FIL is slipping away slowly. Still at home and cared for by his sons as he has adamantly refused hospital for the last seven days. Finally accepting oramorph today. I'm three hours away with DD2 and with SIL and DNs a couple of miles from here. This is very hard for FIL and for DH and BILs.
Solidarity to all going through something similar.

Sorry @GnomeDePlume crossposted.

I think DH is coming from the viewpoint that he never wants to go into a care home himself so has a lot of empathy with DF who definitely wants to stay at home and I agree would probably be miserable in a home. There is another less noble part of him counting the £1800 x 2 per week of money not spent every week DPs aren’t in a care home. I should add that we don’t need any inheritance but it would be nice for DS to have something towards a house deposit and less nobly I will be taking us all on a huge and expensive holiday if we do inherit anything .

I feel every week DPs living at home becomes less tenable but I guess I am waiting for tipping point - ideally their social worker would say it was no longer feasible for them to live at home, then it’s not me making the decision. It was the call from the health professional saying we needed a third lock box for DFs insulin to keep it locked in the fridge so he doesn’t over inject himself that gave me pause for thought about what is being called independent living, when really there is very little either of them can do of their own accord any more.

I think with all the different carers and people coming in and out of the house every day, they are prime candidates for catching winter viruses so it’s probably inevitable that one of them will end up in hospital. Then it’s end game as DM definitely couldn’t manage alone and DF would try but not manage for more than a week or so I would think.

@rookiemere finding out about DM's finances and how she has left her estate is one of the things I have had to come to terms with over the last year.

There wont be a lot left after CH fees. And what is left goes to DGCs in a stupid and complicated way which DBs and I will have to manage. Unfortunately older DB had some part to play in the will which just adds to my annoyance with him.

Your DH is looking at going into a care home as an independent adult. Your DPs arent independent. The alternative is waiting for the crisis. When it comes there will be hours spent in A&E hoping that a bed in a ward will come free.

While galling to see how much CHs cost, at least by paying you get a choice. Has your DH visited a private CH? My DM's one makes me think of a 4 star golf and spa hotel just without the golf course or swimming pool.

Honestly @GnomeDePlumeat this stage of the game I would happily go into a care home myself if it meant I was no longer involved in this situation. At least the new one down the road from them will definitely have space when/if the time comes and I can move them fast.

I can’t force DPs into one and DH won’t change his mind about them regardless of how much they look like the set of the Thursday Murder Club. Therefore with three against one I can’t do much until the crisis comes - experience so far with local hospital has all been positive so I don’t think the area is as stretched as some. Knowing my luck the crisis will be just when I have started my new part time job in February which I am looking forward to as an escape from all this and I will end up having to quit as boundaries only work when DPs are stable.

Meanwhile DF has handed his car over to DS as a present which is great except he can’t afford the insurance as he is a student so DH and I to pay for it. At least once we have removed it from their drive there is no residual danger DF drives it and kills people.

NB I have removed the car keys, but DM has a spare set. DF doesn’t know where this is and DM is unable to articulate clearly where they are so DH could understand, hopefully I will figure it out at next visit.

Sorry @rookiemere I wasnt trying to have a dig at you. You are right, you cannot force your DPs. It is just so frustrsting when people wont face the reality of the situation. This is the battle I have been having with DB.

That's good(ish) about the car. Hopefully out of sight is out of mind for your DF. I was so relieved when DM stopped driving. We needed a spare key for our own car and were able to get it from Timpsons for a reasonable price.

Finally some good news here. The new care agency is great so far. Really lovely carers who have a chat and a laugh with mum and have initiative and a willingness to figure things out if they don’t know how. The communication is great and I feel much happier with things. The new tablet is working for the pain and mum is no longer confused. DB is over today so she’ll enjoy his visit.

@Mumbles12 I don’t know what to say other than sympathies for all concerned. It’s so hard as of course nothing trumps the wishes of a dying person, but practically it sounds hard to enact

@Dormit great news on the carers. Fingers crossed they continue to impress!

@GnomeDePlume I didn’t think you were having a go at me at all. Sometimes the situations we are in are so far removed from the obvious and sensible solution it’s good to face reality and gives me more persuasive reasons if I feel there is any point in having the discussion ( usually not). I am fairly resigned to a crisis driving things now and if that involves one of them spending a lot of time in less than satisfactory conditions in hospital, so be it.