Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

That sounds tough. My DM relies on her mobile phone for all communications (we've set it up with pictures of people she likes to call, so she just has to press who she wants to speak to to call them). I live in fear of it stopping working and having to try to get her to use a different model that works even slightly differently. She already can't use the landline as she can't remember numbers and she believes that the process for pressing a number to dial a saved contact (which she used for many years) has changed and become too complicated. For various reasons Mum can't use her oven now and loads of people have suggested an air fryer but I can't even begin to think how we would teach her to use an entirely new gadget.

@bigbootsweather I feel the same when people suggest setting up an Alexa for mum. She has a habit of unplugging items she doesn't recognise and putting them in a cupboard. That's what happened with the phone. Even a change of design for her debit card a couple of years ago prompted tearful calls to say she'd lost it and hadn't got any cash left. Every time it was in her purse.

For various reasons Mum can't use her oven now and loads of people have suggested an air fryer but I can't even begin to think how we would teach her to use an entirely new gadget

You wouldn't be able to, you're right.

A friend of mine had a lift installed at her DM's because of her mother's mobility problems. It obviously cost thousands of pounds.

Her mother was highly suspicious of the lift and refused point blank to get into it. She couldn't remember what it was for, or why it was in her house.

Another friend had a shower installed for her DM.

It was only ever used by the live-in carers.

We have more or less successfully managed to teach MIL to use Alexa. I say more or less because she does sometimes asks it to do mad things like asking for it to go and get something for her and she has managed to set an alarm that she couldn't turn off.

She can put the radio on with it and ask questions about the weather.

I suspect she thinks it works by witchcraft.

Lurker on here but have read all posts on this thread so far….this really resonates with me. I looked after one of elderly neighbours during covid; ordered and delivered online weekly shopping and helped to put away, arranged medical appointments and took him and accompanied him. I contacted his GP raising concerns that he was depressed and neglecting himself and he had a weekly check in chat with a support line. One day his check in friend contacted me to say no answer on his landline and I went round with his spare key. Sadly he had passed away and I found him, arranged emergency services, etc. Then a long lost niece arrived on the scene and I was no longer needed. There was a huge sense of sadness but a hint of relief too.i was terrified he may have got to the point of needing personal care which I wouldn’t have been able to do but it was a sad experience to go through. I do feel for you 💐

DM doesn’t seem to recognise her new bedroom furniture as places that hold clothes.

I could scream today. Mum's terrified again today. She believes that 'They' are in her house, saying nasty things to her and meaning to harm her. Today 'They' have phoned her and said nasty things down the phone to her. She is worried that 'They' will come in disguise (as emergency services) and take her away to do her harm. She has been having similar concerns for a while, getting gradually worse until over the last few days it's basically any time that she is on her own.
I have just had a ranty phone call from DB, who lives near her and has gone to her to calm her down this morning. He is annoyed at me for 'going on' about dementia when clearly Mum is just having bad dreams, as she has done all her life (true) but now her memory is just going a bit due to her age so it's harder for her to remember it's just a dream. Apparently the hallucinations she is having are not the sort that dementia patients get. In fact, they aren't really auditory hallucinations but remembered dreams and mistaking sounds from outside as inside. I am clearly mistaken in thinking that she has told me she can hear people when I have been in the house with her and can confirm there was no noise- there probably was but I was not in the right place to hear it. My view is that even if what he says is correct, and she is remembering bad dreams/mishearing things etc, the fact that she is totally convinced that she is being followed by 'Them' and They really mean her harm is not normal.

I'm just pleased that Mum is keen to go to the memory clinic once we get an appointment (apparently the wait will be at least 6 months) and so far DB is not trying to stop her.

@bigbootsweather DB really is deluded isn't he.

I think deluded and arrogant- the jist of today's rant was basically that if he doesn't think she has dementia then she doesn't and I should stop agreeing with her that she does (Mum asked me for help with speaking to the doctors about his before I had to suggest it to her). Apparently by 'pushing' for a diagnosis I risk medicalising what is really just a bit of a bad dream and forgetfulness.
At some level I think he's also afraid- if she definitely has dementia she won't get any better but if he can persuade himself it's something else (anything else) there's a chance it will all be fine this time next year.
My real concern is that she might start to agree with him and not want to have proper assessments, which clearly we can't force her to do.

@bigbootsweather That is what happens to my ER (who also has functional MH problems) when she has an infection. We can always tell her physical health by how frightening the delusions are.

@bigbootsweather If there is another cause eg infection, diabetes, heart problems, vitamin deficiency etc these will be checked for. They dont leap straight to dementia. However the doctor needs to be running tests.

Your DB does sound like he is panicking. His carefully laid plan to have your DM's home as a bolt hole may not come to fruition. He may also simply be terrified.

You have my sympathy. 💐

My DB has taken many months to accept that DM has dementia. In that time he has obstructed, cancelled memory appointments, claimed that any difficult behaviour by DM is because carers havent been kind enough. Anything rather than accept the reality.

This is an interesting education into the male psyche. In my case, DB has been relatively sensible, if distant, and we are aligned in what we want for mum. So far so good.

But I have also noticed a very slight shift in our relationship - I’m the oldest by quite a few years, and he’s becoming a bit more sentimental about the “big sister” aspect. Rather than our previous position as equal siblings. Not sure whether that’s because he’s facing the loss of his mum and needs an older “mum” figure. Or just a recognition that I’m the one that actually does all the work around mum. Will have to think on that.

BIL is DH's older brother and treats us as if we are members of his work team thats he's delegated a task to (complete with ridiculous business speak)

Bigboots, sympathies. Your DBs attitude and behaviour is actually a form of neglect I think, given your mum's own thoughts on the subject. He thinks it's about him. It's not.

Thank you all for reading my rants. It really does help to sometimes just have an outlet for the frustration. Mum has had loads of tests for physical illnesses that might explain her symptoms but nothing has been found that explains things. She did have a UTI a while ago that made things worse but she's also exhibited very similar symptoms at times where tests have been done and no infection of any type found.

So I was just checking on the coroners schedule for my elderly PoA's inquest, as was told it had been scheduled and just wanted to check the date. And it has been, in the morning. Then in the afternoon there's an inquest for a one month old baby. For some reason that's knocked me absolutely sideways and for the first time, I'm feeling a bit upset about the whole thing.....

I’m sorry @StillNiceCardigan thats made me snort. Tbh it sounds like a Harry Enfield sketch. Bloke in suit on mobile ‘Need a team to action this waste protocol PDQ’ while backing away in horror from an incontinence pad.

You're not far off @PermanentTemporary there's a lot of nonsense spoken and not alot of doing things. I pity his work colleagues.

@roundaboutthehillsareshining I can see why that's upset you. I remember going to an elderly relative's funeral and getting tearful at the sight of fresh flowers on an old grave for someone who would have been about my age but passed away as a small child. It really puts the things in to perspective and reminds you how bloody unfair sickness and death can be

Thanks @bigbootsweather I was feeling a bit guilty that I had a little cry for this poor baby and her family, who I know absolutely nothing about beyond a name and an age. I've not really cried about my elderly lady, she had advanced dementia and an awful quality of life. But this just felt so, unfair, for some reason.

The business speak sounds very funny, but I bet it's irritating in reality. My DB watches 'The Thick of It' on repeat and I sometimes think he imagines he's a senior politician and the rest of us are interns. He tells me repeatedly that I have to do anything vaguely admin related for mum because he 'doesn't have time for pissing about with paperwork and phone calls'. If anything isn't done as quickly as he'd like he texts me with a deadline and ends the message with 'No excuses!!!#. Periodically he will call me to set me right on all my mistakes and misunderstandings (as he did today). This starts as just patronising then if I challenge him he gets increasingly sarcastic and aggressive. I think he's convinced he sounds very witty (if you've seen The Thick of It, I think he's convinced he sounds like Malcolm Tucker- seemingly unaware that he's not supposed to be an admirable character). These exchanges usually end with him saying a version of 'I'm not going to discuss this any more. I won't debate with the uneducated'. Today I managed to bite my tongue and keep things at the patronising stage as he was with Mum. For the avoidance of doubt, he is not in fact a politician or particularly highly educated.

I understand. As we left the crem after dad's funeral a hearse arrived with a tiny white coffin and that hit me more than my 95yo dad who'd had a full life and, for the last 18 months was in constant pain and would have been bed bound, very deaf and nearly completely blind if he'd survived his last infection.

Good grief @bigbootsweather you must be a saint to put up with that!

@bigbootsweather what a nightmare he sounds.
DH and BIL are still at FILs. He is refusing carers and morphine and is up all night. They are wrecked. This could go on for weeks or longer and it is not sustainable. I have absolutely no idea where to go from here.

@bigbootsweather 😮😮😮

Sometimes I wish we could arrange a relative swap on here. You’re probably so stoic that you just do a slight eye roll and move on? I’d love to be a fly on the wall if he tried that routine on my sister 🌋